a fresh start.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 15 months ago after a bad/embarrassing/terrifying manic episode. I've just moved to Germany from Virginia and this journal chronicles my attempts at living a meaningful, anxiety-free life overseas. I will also blog about food and exercise as I struggle to lose the 30 pounds I gained on Lithium.

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Swiss alps vacay

I'm exploring Switzerland for a few days with my sister. We just went snow tubing on Mount Titless. The cable cars are slightly scary if you think too much.

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Engelberg, Switzerland

[abipolarbroadabroad]

On Edge, Cutting Back

Thursday, Feb 19, 2015, 10am

I caved and finally took a Klonopin last night (1mg) and slept a full 7 hours or so without getting up — from 10pm - 5:30ish. Then I got back in bed until just now. Setting an alarm for 8am everyday (I wake up around 5am anyway, dead tired, and can’t get back to sleep…), the stresses of preparing the Power Point for my class, and lack of sleep had put me on edge.

Another crappy thing sort of added to my worries. A few nights ago I watched SVU at Annalise’s and weighed myself on her scale: 180 devastating pounds! My 5 miles a day walking averaged has made no dent in my fatness!

I called in sick yesterday and today for my German class. I LOVE that class, I love the teacher, but getting up so early and feeling tired all the time SUCKS. Plus, what if it sent me into a manic episode? That just can’t happen. I cancelled this week because I honestly just needed the time to do my Power Point and finish reading Whitman’s _Democratic Vistas_. Next week I will do the reading and make the lecture slides by Monday latest to avoid last-minute stress! We’ll see how it goes…..

[abipolarbroadabroad]

What I ate the day I decided to post pictures of what I eat. This is good for accountability.

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Settling in

Monday, Feb 16, 2015, 2pm

I have found it hard to carve out time for blogging. This will change. I have finally gotten settled. And I made a great friend here, also a Ph.D. student from the U.S. who is bad at foreign languages. We have lots in common and have been watching the new SVUs together. We went to Carnival yesterday — there was a parade in the streets, everyone was in costume, and I was pushing little kids out of the way to grab at the candy they were throwing out at the crowds. They gave away the most delicious Turkish delight I’ve ever had! Strawberry flavored….

Needless to say I am eating sugar again. I was doing so well — my plan was to take pictures of everything I ate and post them to this blog. I’m bummed I had to triple the dose of Lithium I take (from 150 to 450mg!) to prevent that manic episode I thought I felt coming on…. But once I get in a routine and can sleep better again, I will cut that out completely and just take 75mg of Lamotrigine. What sucks is having to wake up at 8am for my German language class! I need to get in bed by 8 the night before to secure at least 8-9 hours of solid sleep, what with all my waking up in the middle of the night and lying awake in a half-dream state. My cortisol level must still be super high — I wish I knew how to turn it down. But there is always something to worry about! The future is a storehouse of endless fodder for worry.

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Freak out

Tuesday, Feb 3, 2015

So, for the first time since my manic episode, I had a few scary symptoms — like waking up really early in the morning wired with lots of anxious thoughts, etc. Maybe it’s the excitement of starting this blog and all my new activities and opportunities (e.g., in two minutes I have to leave for job training to teach English), but when I woke up for the second day in a row — TBC

[iamsmilingatyou]

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Yesssss

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Changed my picture

Sunday, Feb 1, 2015, 10am

To inspire me even more to thinness and beauty (always side projects in my life!!), I have replaced my photo with that of Irene Dunne, with whom I share a birthday (and, now, eye and hair color — at least in this photo!). She was super religious, and I’ve really fallen away since my manic episode (the perennial: Why did it happen to me? For what purpose? What the hell can one learn from it besides how to be freaked out it will happen again??) — a source of slight guilt — but she is still a model for the kind of person I’d like to be(come). Strong, witty, motherly and kind but not matronly or gullible in any way — an icon of beauty, humor, and class.

[abipolarbroadabroad]

Day One.

Sunday, Feb 1, 2015, 8am

Woke up early with this blog idea. Since I try to get 10 hours of sleep a night, I’m going to return to bed! Today I get the keys to my new place! I also must finish a job application and conference proposal. Lots on the mind! Must relax.