Um, hi.
Even before the term “safe space” was used to describe an intangible platform that made you feel seen without being judged, Tumblr was my safe space. But this safe space has definitely changed. The writing box has become too small–is it because no one really writes blog posts anymore (had to zoom in on the webpage twice)? I should know because the longest piece I’ve written over the past several years occupied a page on my journal and comprised 200 words plus I’ve been writing 75-85-word “snippets” for a living for over a year now, so there’s that. This does not feel as natural as it used to, but I’m still giving it a try, in the hope that processing my thoughts and emotions this way would help me better understand this season in my life, just the way it always has over a decade ago.
It’s been two weeks since 2022 began, yet I find myself processing the past year every now and then. Looking back at what has been always made figuring out what will be easier.
I broke down way too many times last year, which I’d like to think is normal, considering I went through the heart-wrenching process of closing two businesses that I poured my heart and soul into for over six years.
As I write this though, my heart is healed and only this feeling of being free remains. Six years of running a business felt like a lifetime of running and trying to catch my breath. It felt like having to always be on even if you posted a holiday “break” schedule and even if you had full control of your time and had the option to rest whenever you needed. Comments, likes, and shares validated the assumption that we were contributing something to the world, becoming catalysts of change, and creating something bigger than ourselves. The numbers fueled sleepless nights, anxiety-inducing messages, and labor-law-defying work hours.
There is nothing more fulfilling than being your own employer, yes, but nothing else also burned me out the way it did. I did not want to keep running despite the blisters and bad knees and worn out soles anymore. I wanted to stop breathing short breaths and start taking longer, deeper inhales and exhales instead.
Were those six years spent denying that what I did for a living was not good for my mental health? I realize this now weeks after officially closing the second business because I’ve never felt this light and at peace in years.
Entrepreneurship made me do things I never imagined I could. I also have it to thank for teaching me so many things about myself and the world and connecting me to a bunch of wonderful people who will always be sources of inspiration. But in this season of my life, I am seeking peace alongside growth that does not have anything to do with my career. Sure, career milestones look good on paper (or digital resumés) and on Instagram, but in real life, the internal will always outweigh the external. And until the seeds I’ve planted within have strong, stable roots, I will look after myself so I can become better for the people around me and the planet I hope/need/want to protect.
There’s nothing wrong with chasing after what you want the same way it is okay to stay planted, rooted, and grounded in where you are. We’re all where we are supposed to be anyway. ✨