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[abundantlyandy]

I’m so tired of parenting .... of wifing.

God , I feel so alone. This role in life has left me so alone.

I’m so angry for the choices I’ve made ; that have led me here. I knew I wasn’t ready for a child yet I had one. I wasn’t even ready to be a wife but I knew if I had a child with someone, I would marry them. I forced the marriage because I didn’t want to have a bastard kid. And now, I’m resentful.

But I can’t even be mad... I really can’t. Chances are, if I didn’t have my kid . I would have chose the alternative. My husband and I definitely wouldn’t be together. I would probably still be working at the bank job, that I hated . Or the CNA job I didn’t like either. Living with my mom and brother; being their bitch. Letting them manipulate me and walk all over me. So maybe this life is better then the alternative.... but still. This is difficult. My husband is hard to work with / live with. Be married to. And it’s not him honestly, it’s just his personality. We’re not all that similar like I thought. We’re really not compatible at all.... we had a lot in common when we met and now that’s changed.

I should take a step back though & reflect. See what I’m not seeing . Maybe I’m wrong ....

Maybe it’s just my depression

[abundantlyandy]

Is it weird that sometimes I wish I weren’t married ?

Ive been married for 3 years & have now realized, marriage is hard. Like really hard. & I wish I could have gotten a glimpse of what marriage would be like with my husband before I married him.

If I did, I wouldn’t have married him.

If I would have gotten a glimpse of what parenthood would be like, I probably wouldn’t have had my daughter either.

It sounds harsh, I know. But if you don’t have kids or aren’t married. Don’t judge what you don’t know.

I got knocked up before we got married ; we rushed to get married because of my families traditional family values. I didn’t want them judging me harshly or treating my husband - then boyfriend- bad. My husband was a different person back then, so helpful. And wanting to do thing with me and consider me in all his decision making. Now with a kid, mortgage and everything else,,, he’s basically said “ fuck you”. I don’t feel like I’m ever heard or seen . I stay at home with our kid all day ; cook, clean, entertain ... etc etc. it’s exhausting. Plus I live with 6 other people ( my in laws). No one does their part so all the shit gets piled on top of each other. Anyways, my husband knows this. But he doesn’t make it easier for me. Like , he gets up earlier then I do. So it would be helpful if he made breakfast for our daughter. I don’t mind doing the dishes , but if he could knockout breakfast and MAAYYBEE making his lunch. I’ll do the dishes. But our mornings are always rushed . And I’m stuck with the breakfast, dishes, clothes, making sure our daughter eats her breakfast. Then changing her diaper , bathing her ( when needed) then FINALLY GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE to do something fun with her. I’m so tired of this life man..... no one helps! No one ever helps! It’s such a monotonous routine that drains me. I literally want to tap out . Press reset . Drop everything and leave , but I . cAnt. Even though my daughter drives me nuts, I can’t even think about leaving her. I love her so much. Even though her dad is a fuckface asshole. That’s her dad. I wish I was well off financially so I could just get MY OWN place. Separate from my husband for a bit and just recharge. I can’t stand him . I really can’t. Hes asked me before what he can do to help me, but it’s like it goes in 1 ear and out the other . Because he’s so smart, he doesn’t think he needs help. Or needs to work on anything.

I’m just venting....like I really feel this way. But I just needed to vent this out somewhere.

[abundantlyandy]

So , here I go again. Rambling on ....

Here’s a completely honest post about parenthood.

1. Having children is not for everyone & that’s okay,

If you don’t want to have children; if you’ve decided early on in life that becoming a parent is not for you. It’s not selfish of you. In fact, I would argue that it’s brave of you to decide on something that many people deem as wrong.

2. Becoming a parent , is very lonely.

Honestly, a lot of people who you think will be around during your entire pregnancy & after; probably won’t be. People will butter you up during your ENTIRE pregnancy ; they’ll even go as far as saying “omg , I can’t wait to spoil he/she.” “ I’m going to be a aunt/uncle.” - baby is here& bloop they’ve disappeared 💨 even when you have your baby, making mom friends is hard as fuck. For me , as a mother, I’m picky with who I allow around my daughter. If I vibe well with a mom then I’ll consider a play date. PSA to anyone who is considering becoming a parent- be weary of who you allow your kids to be around. Be weary of the parents too.

3. No matter how much you think you’ve mastered one segment of childhood, you didn’t . You’re fooling yourself .

Babies, toddlers and kids are always learning and growing. They adapt quickly too. So just when you think you’ve mastered them being a baby- BOOM 💥 now comes toddlerhood. They’re walking; learning their environment. They’re curious . They want to see and touch everything- it’s honestly fucking annoying but so beautiful at the same time.

4. Tantrums never get easy

Duuuuuuuude, tantrums give me so muuuuuucch anxiety! Fucking-A. When they’re babies , it’s easy to console them. Babies usually want to be held, given milk or wrapped up in a blanket. Toddlers- OMG. They go ape shit crazy for any-fuckingTHING.

True story- my daughter woke up from a nap. I knew she would be hungry so I made her a sandwich, she smacked it out of my hand. So I thought, hmm.. maybe she’s thirsty. Gave her a water cup- smacked it out of my hand again! ( all the while she’s crying- like bloody murder ) . So I thought again, maYYYYYBEE she’s still tired. So I took her back to bed to lay down & I laid down next to her. BAM! Smacks me in the face. We get out of bed - I take her to watch TV- STILL CRYING AND THROWING HERSELF ON THE FLOOR. I get the sandwich that she smacked out of my hand earlier. she ate it & stopped crying🥲

4. Not a single person on this earth knows your life - so if you get criticized about your parenting. Fk them.

Ok ok ok , a bit harsh. But honestly, some parents need to back the fk up. And shut tf up.

See, in my life, I don’t have help with my kid. It’s literally me and my husband. SOME days, when we’re lucky. We have my sister in laws. But they have a life and family of their own, so I don’t ever want to impose on them. Other people, have a go-to person. Like always there, at the drop of a hat. Other people are able to schedule in their much needed date night, pedicure, spa day etc etc. whenever they want. But I don’t . So , most days ... I’m really short tempered and exhausted. It’s not my kids fault either , I just haven’t had a day to myself in a long time,

AGAIN, if you’re thinking about having children. Your me time, is scheduled around your kids life. Not the other way around.

You can’t be selfish when it comes to parenting.

5. Your “ the world revolves around me” days are over

You literally have to plan your life around your kids. Nap time, lunch / snack time. Play dates . Schoool. Sports .

My daughter is only 2 but I have to keep her active, because she’s always full of energy . So I have to work my schedule around her. Her nap times fluctuate all the time so I try to run my errands or go for a aerobic walk when she’s sleeping.

It’s hard . Because when I would go shopping with her and I tried shopping while she was asleeep. She would wake up and just screeeaaam! Her sleep was interrupted- I’m in the store in the middle of shopping . Now I have to leave my grocery items there and walk out of the grocery store to calm a child down.

People stare and give ugly looks, it’s honestly one of the saddest things a parent has to go through. The looks. “ why is your child crying” “ shut that baby up” ....

It’s hard guys. Parenting is so hard .

But from my perspective, I needed to have my daughter. She definitely mellowed me out. Showed me that there’s life outside of my selfishness. She showed me the softer and tender sides that I didn’t know was within me. I met my match the day she was born.

Children don’t fix relationships either , so if you thinking having a baby with someone will make that person “ grow up” . Or make someone “ love you” —- you’re absolutely wrong. And I’m sorry I hAve to tell you this. I’ve seen this many times with girlfriends of mine. Kids don’t fix relationships.

Anyone who is meant for you, will find a way to be with you. Always. No; ifs, ands or buts.

Thanks for coming to my tumblr talk

[abundantlyandy]

So, I am depressed. And I’m probably bipolar too, although I haven’t been diagnosed with that.

Sometimes I’m chill and then all of a sudden - a slight trigger / inconvenience and BOOM. All hell breaks loose... for everyone . ( lol- kinda) .

This shit sucks! Having mental health problems and no one to talk to about it sucks asshole! It’s funny cause I have a therapist, but it’s only temporary. I get 6 free sessions with her and then we’re done . So every time I talk to her , I like word vomit all my thoughts. And I can never focus on 1 of my issues ... ughhh .

I don’t know wtf is wrong with me though. I repel people and friendships . I’m always alone . My therapist says-“ try talking to people... invite them out...” & literally no one ever accepts my invite or cancels on me . Lol ... it’s really fucking pathetic . I can’t make friends . But I could have boyfriends 😂. That was never a problem for me .... ughhhhh

I’m sitting here at the bay and wondering how tf I ended up here. Not physically, but relationally. With life and people. What did I do wrong on life to have girls not want to be my friend and dudes just fucking blow up my phone and dms ...

Did I need to flirt with girls TOO?!?!😂🤦‍♀️

Oh we’ll never know .

To be continued

The messy life of Andy

[abundantlyandy]

For the longest time I put on a facade of having my shit together.

Before marriage: I was going to college, working, working out & dating. I had somewhat of a social life. And I literally thought this was the best it was ever going to get. I didn’t realize at that time though, I was avoiding the ugly truth that I had major issues. At home, ( while living with my mother) , I had issues of leaving the nest. I was attached to my mom. I didn’t have real responsibilities, although I sure pretended to have them. I was half assed in everything that I did & I didn’t realize this till now.

I’m 31 now. I have a kid and I’m trying to makeup for all the stuff that I didn’t know before. But it’s overwhelming. Have a structure. Be disciplined. Be kind and generous. Be GENUINE.

Truthfully, I’m not the prettiest in my family. I’m not really that mature either. I don’t have a flock of cousins who I see regularly because they want to be around me. I don’t have much friends either. Although I’ve tried to make some, none ever stick around.

Shit, throw me in mosh pit of dudes and for sure I’ll have at least half of them wanting to date me.

That’s what sucks sometimes. I always have guys around but never any girls. I’ve never had a problem with dating guys or having guys interested in me.

Just having fucking girls interested in being my friend.

Ugh , super annoying. Just word vomiting everything I’m thinking of .

[abundantlyandy]

Didn’t think i would ever make a tumblr, but here I am. Tumbling along .