So I’ve been pretty inactive for a while I thought I’d make a proper post about it and why I decided to leave this blog behind. You don’t have to read it because it is really long... but I’d appreciate it if you did.
I first joined Tumblr and the Voltage community a few years back because I wanted to make friends and connect with people, and honestly just wanted to feel loved and like I belong, but I personally struggle with making friends so it isn’t something that I succeeded with.
I don’t regret joining because even if I didn’t feel any close connection or make any good friends I still felt pretty welcomed and involved in a kind of fly on the wall way.
I am by no means a well known blog, I only have a handful of followers, and when I first joined I thought having a lot of followers and being friends with a lot of people and getting gifts was a sign of being loved, and this caused me to act in some not nice ways.
My thoughts have obviously changed.
I think it was my own selfish reasons for having a Tumblr that made it so hard for me to be a “successful” blogger. I needed to be showered with gifts, art, followers and asks to feel good about myself, and then when I wasn’t I didn’t feel good at all.
I tried to make friends and honestly some people weren’t that friendly or nice to me but I can’t blame them because I didn’t have pure intentions for befriending them anyway. It wasn’t fair of me to want to make friends to feel more accomplished and ignore the fact that there’s a real person there who I could make a true and honest connection with.
In the end I think I tried too hard to be popular. I tried writing and drawing to make myself more popular and I even tried to edit pictures... but none of them really got the big attention that I wanted. I wasn’t happy with the 30 notes that a fanfic would get.
Because I was so selfish in the beginning I don’t think there’s a real chance for me to make any friends here since I honestly blew a lot of opportunities I had, and I wouldn’t feel good about myself trying again with all these people that I wronged (even if they don’t know it).
I used my social anxiety and my own personal problems as an excuse to myself about why I wasn’t being “successful”. I mean all those things may have been a reason but it wasn’t really why.
It’s now been over a year since I was last really active on this account and looking back on it now I understand that I was wrong and I was really terrible and I don’t like the fact that this blog started out like that. I judged a lot of people and didn’t use that same judgement on myself. It wasn’t really until the beginning of this year that I really started to think about all these bad things I’ve done.
I have another blog where I feel a lot happier and more alive. I didn’t have any reason to create that blog, just because I wanted to share the love for the subjects I’m blogging about, and I’m glad that I’m able to be my true self that isn’t cunning or manipulative there.
I want to remake myself, AcetheMadKnight, as someone who isn’t just seeking the attention and gifts of other people but instead as someone who is honest and kind. I titled this Remaking Ace because I’ll be moving blogs, starting anew and leaving this one filled with bad intentions behind.
I wish I could apologise to all the people that I tried to befriend selfishly but I don’t want to call them out and drag them into my own mess because that wouldn’t be fair at all... but I do need to apologise to them so I won’t tag them but instead just leave a comment aimed to all.
Dear Voltage Community,
Even if you didn’t know what my intentions were for joining or for messaging you, I’m truly sorry and regretful for the reasons behind my actions.
I’m glad that it didn’t work out because that would have been really unfair to you and all the hard work that you put into what you do. Your art, writing, dolls, etc., are amazing and I hope you never run into someone who tries to take advantage of you like I did.
Thank you for still being so friendly and welcoming to me.
Ace xx
I feel like this was just a big splurge of words that didn’t make sense and just repeated lots of things... but if you got this far then...
“No matter what happens in the future, I’ll protect you. So please stay with me.”
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