A Chameleon's Soul

Grace . 28 . California . Poland . Dog Lover . Writer . Poet . Tea Addict . Masters in Justice Studies . Country Girl At Heart .

[achameleonssoul]

Teeth:

I think motherhood, and womanhood, for that matter, is just a never-ending clenching of your teeth.

In girlhood, we clench our teeth to stay quiet, be polite, be pretty, and swallow anger.

In adolescence, we are clenching through catcalls, expectations, body changes, and pressure.

In motherhood, there is clenching through labor, sleepless nights, worry for your child, and the elusive balance of what was and what will be.

All before the last chapter, which I call generational echoes, where we realize “your mother probably clenched her teeth too, and so did your grandmother”.

But when I look at my daughter, sleeping soft-mouthed in the dark, I make a small promise to the future.

I hope she never learns how to do it.

-GNK-

[jean-doe]

[daydreaming-of-course]

[achameleonssoul]

““Having OCD is like having your brain under siege by every thought and worry you’ve ever had. When I say OCD I mean the real bastard, not simply liking that the throw pillows be fluffed a certain way. I’m referring to the cold sweats, anxiety, shaking, weird antics, that obsession with faucets and turning off ovens, self-harming, and the circle of thoughts that won’t leave you alone no matter what you do. You space out (a lot), trying to deal with all of the clutter and only end up frustrating everyone around you because they ‘can’t read you’. Little do people know, most of the time you frustrate the hell out of yourself because you just want quiet in your head. I can’t remember the last quiet moment I had; it has been that long.“”

—

OCD confessional

-Grace Nicole Kobylinski

[achameleonssoul]

I've always been the girl with  a heart too big to be much good.  A heart not equipped to understand this world  and all the cruelty it tosses out so liberally. I'm the girl that will jump from a canoe to save a bee on the brink of death. I'm the girl that will risk getting stung  when there is nothing to use as a buffer between my waterlogged fingers and the bees stinger. I all too often put my faith in dangerous animals and people when I shouldn't.  Call it a stupid habit at this point.  I place the bee on the edge of the canoe and watch it  squirm with joy, or is it relief? All of this only to have someone flick it back into the water because they're afraid of the possibility  of getting stung.  Tell me why?  Why? Why? WHY?  Why after saving it from near death did Mother Nature/God - whatever allow for that to happen?  Because if that doesn't shake your belief in a higher power then I don't know.  It's events like this that shake me; tremble my foundation.  I yelled when I saw it happen.  Yelled at the person. Yelled for the bee. Yelled at the river current for carrying it away. I yelled for a decade of unanswered questions and wrongs.  I yelled for myself, my family, my ancestors, and those not yet on this plain.  I've always been the girl who cared too much, felt too much, carried too much pain.  Nothing changed that day. And if we're being frank I don't think it will anytime soon.

GNK

[achameleonssoul]

And she wanted nothing more than to just sink into the wet grass and disappear. With the sunlight traipsing in it would feel nothing short of heaven. And all she wanted was heaven. After all, that’s where all those dear to her heart were, and those left behind close to joining as well. ❤️🐕

[suitupweird]

[lacesandsiren]

this is from the other day at the sea with @mieshphotography // its not a Halloween costume, but I felt like the carmen san diego of the desert, so we’ll just pretend it IS my costume ;) happy halloweening kids-make good choices 🌵🎃😜 (at Salton Sea)

[juliamstarr]

Instagram

[achameleonssoul]

Someone compared me to a dragon today. Because they feel the words I spit burn like fire. But little do they know, ever since I was a little girl I was taught to set fire to the world around me.  Being soft didn't bode well for survival; not when your pack is comprised of five.  Sometimes I feel like I'm burning up from the inside out.  Like the Hell I've raised could swallow an entire city, and leave only embers in its wake.

GNK 

[achameleonssoul]

One. Two. Three. I’m coming... wait up....

[achameleonssoul]

Sitting in the sand, knees bent, feet buried, face forward to feel the wet breeze lift off the water I stare at my second home - the pacific. The waves lick at my legs hungrily, and pull me just slightly in with them as they return to the sea. I sit there, not realizing I’m counting the waves until I hear my voice out loud. One. Two. Three. That little number. Three. This number haunts me when I’m awake and asleep. A trilogy, the points of a triangle, the holy trinity, and the number of times I’d have to tap the water faucet to convince myself it was off before settling down for sleep. One tap. Two tap. Three tap. Repeat three times - makes nine. Mother Nature, she knows what she’s doing, she knows how to pull me in. I’m coming... one... two... three... wait up...

GNK

[achameleonssoul]

still around? 🌴

Nah, sadly. Flew back to the mainland a week ago

[achameleonssoul]

Hawaii stole my heart years ago, and every time I visit now I feel whole.

[achameleonssoul]

Maybe I miss this place so much because I’m born from it. I am ‘Aina.  My hair is the sun. My eyes the earth, with green flecks of life. My tears are traces of the ocean this soul calls home. My skin is kissed with freckles like rocks along the shoreline. Every time I am homesick, I just need to look in the mirror.

GNK

[stufffromtheoutside-deactivated]

[3-olives-and-a-pickle]

Pocket beer

[prettystuff]