Manipulative fake apologies
Some apologies amount to someone asking for permission to keep doing something bad.
These apologies generally shouldnât be accepted.
(But it can be really hard not to, because who want permission to do bad things tend to lash out when they donât get it.)
(If you have to accept a bad apology to protect yourself, itâs not your fault.)
Moe: âIâm sorry, I know this is my privileged male opinion talking butâŚâ
Or, Moe: âIâm sorry, I know Iâm kind of a creeperâŚâ or âIâm sorry, I know Iâm standing too close butâŚâ
At this point, Sarah may feel pressured to say âItâs ok.â
If Sarah says, âActually, itâs not ok. Please back offâ or âYes, youâre mansplaining, please knock it offâ, Moe is likely to get angry.
The thing is, itâs not ok, and Moe has no intention of stopping.Â
Moe is just apologizing in order to feel ok about doing something he knows is wrong.
Sam is a wheelchair user. Heâs trying to get through a door.
Mary sees him and decides that he needs help.
Mary rushes to open the door. As she does so, she says âOh, sorry, I know Iâm supposed to ask firstâ, with an expectant pause.Â
At this point, Sam may feel pressured to say âItâs okâ, even if the âhelpâ is unwanted and unhelpful.Â
If Sam says, âYes, you should have asked first. Youâre in my way. Please moveâ, Mary is likely to get angry and say âI was just trying to help!â.
In this situation, Mary wasnât really apologizing. She was asking Sam to give her permission to do something she knows is wrong.
Fake Apologizer: *does something they know the other person will object to*.
Fake Apologizer: âOh, Iâm sorry. I know Iâm doing The Bad ThingâŚâ or âI guess youâre going to be mad if IâŚâ
Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
The Target is then supposed to feel pressured to say something like âThatâs okâ, or âI know you mean wellâ, or âYouâre a good person, so itâs ok for you to do The Bad Thing.â
If the Target doesnât respond by giving the Fake Apologizer permission/validation, the Fake Apologizer will often lash out. This sometimes escalates in stages, along the lines of:
Fake Apologizer: I *said* I was sorry!
Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
The Target is then supposed to feel pressure to be grateful to the Fake Apologizer for apologizing, and then as a reward, give them permission to do The Bad Thing. (Or apologize for not letting them do The Bad Thing.)
If the Target doesnât respond in the way the Fake Apologizer wants, they will often escalate to intense personal insults, or even overt threats, eg:
Fake Apologizer: I guess youâre just too bitter and broken inside to accept my good intentions. I hope you get the help you need. And/or:
Fake Apologizer: Ok, fine. Iâll never try to do anything for you ever again. And/or
Fake Apologizer: *storms off, and slams the door in a way that causes the person who refused their intrusive help to fall over*.
Tl;dr Sometimes what looks like an apology is really a manipulative demand for validation and permission to do something bad.
