I want to say something and I know it's going to piss a lot of people off, that they're immediately going to call me transphobic etc. but I want to point something out.
Someone raised as a female and someone raised as a male are different. They are raised differently, they grow up with different rights, everyone knows this. Society places value on the male, praises the male, excuses the male and puts sole focus on him.
The female gets used to being spoken over, being passed over, being taken advantage of, given less opportunities.
Now imagine that these people, both raised in this way, come out as trans. A transwoman and a transman. Is the transwoman going to suddenly unlearn all of those behaviors? Of talking over others, of over exaggerating her self importance, of assuming that ciswoman and now transmascs are stupid and can't speak for themselves?
Maybe she'll try hard to "prove herself" as a woman and jump onto "all men should die" bandwagons. Overcompensation because she is insecure in herself, and her identity. If she says all men should die then surely no one could mistake her as a man. And it's easy to put down the people you've put down your entire life already (transmen are just women to these types of transfems).
Before you say "that's transphobic!" Please actually consider what I'm saying. You can't easily unlearn how you were raised. Society is obsessed with men, with CIS men who have penises. Society is also obsessed with transwomen, they're popular in porn, they're a target for hatred, they're used in every single example of transness. And why?
It is because they have penises, it is because they "used to be men". A transwoman is above a transman because one "used to be" a man and "one used to be" a woman. And in this society having a vagina or a penis defines your experience for LIFE.
Society doesn't make a distinction just because you transition. When a transwoman talks over a transman, she is doing exactly what she always did before coming out. Mansplaining doesn't stop being a thing just because someone stops being a man. Does that make sense?
i agree with you, i've been thinking about this for quite a long time. this might be too much nuance for tumblr, but as an intersex person, i need people to understand the way a child is socialized impacts them for life until they actively choose to challenge it or just keep going. before anyone gets mad at anon or us, please consider that they are genuinely right and it doesn't matter how much it bothers you. it doesn't change the fact that this is genuinely what is going on at the moment.
please note that we are talking about specific transfeminine people and not all transfeminine people when we say that there are issues in the community. these are community-wide issues, but it has nothing to do with saying that transfemininity is to blame here. it's the actions people are choosing to take. please consider this before assuming this kind of talk is transphobic. it is not. it is a conversation about toxic behavior that is hurting someone.
the issue here, like stated, is that unfortunately, a lot of transfems have internalized toxic masculinity that they may never end up challenging due to being raised as a boy or man, and being taught that you can only be a man in certain ways. this is a very common issue i've seen with a lot of transfems i've befriended and dated irl. we ALL have to unlearn toxic masculinity, especially people raised to be, perceived to be, and interacted with like they're men. transfems are often interacted with like men even if they no longer identify as one.
as you said it can take forever to unlearn these things. we are ALL taught misogyny, toxic masculinity, transphobia and so on. it's going to take a while for someone to get past that and its okay to show sympathy, but ive noticed an unfortunately hefty number of transfems who make 0 effort to undo their internalized misogyny because they retained the bullheaded "I'm right because I have a penis." mentality that so many penis-having transfems have. others have the superiority complex simply from being raised as a boy/man, thinking they are inherently smarter than everyone around them for no good reason. i've faced the transfeminine superiority complex too many times. too many transfems view themselves as the smartest person in the room due to toxic masculinity & being socialized a man but it's gotta stop.
a lot of transfems have internalized misogyny to work on. a lot of transfems i've met in my life genuinely think people with vaginas are dumb, weak, and useless. i've watched transfems go from treating someone like they're intelligent, competent and on their level to literally saying something like "oh wow nevermind you really are just like the rest of them" rolling their eyes and walking off after they found out someone had a vagina. i've heard a lot of transfems complain about this out loud. literally say the worst things about cis women, vaginas, and people who have/used to have vaginas. even disgust for trans women and transfems who have gotten neovaginas.
i've seen a lot of transfems resort to instantly yelling the second they're so much as questioned or even ask to clarify themselves. i've noticed a lot of transfems have this issue, and it's from internalized toxic masculinity. they've been taught that men raise their voices, and women stay quiet. they benefit from this still, s they keep doing it. i've also seen a lot of transfems default to throwing things or hitting people, screaming at someone unrelated, insulting people, literally making up lies and accusing people of things they haven't done, misgendering people, and so on
there is a massive penis fixation, correct. my trans ex-girl friend, her friends, partners, and other people who lived with us and came to visit had penis fixations hardcore. my ex trans gf literally stopped liking me and treating me like a person the second she found out i didn't have one. i was constantly made to feel bad for not having one. i was reminded that penis = man. she told me that as a swer, her clients that were men were just "secretly gay" because they were attracted to her penis. she started treating me like a stupid cishet woman the second she found out i had a vag.
there's also a huge misgendering fascination in a lot of transfems circles. some of the transfems i lived with were literally in misgendering kink discord servers and talked about it openly. they were misgendering trans men and transmascs mostly, and no, it was not with their consent. they did it constantly, out loud, to transmascs and trans men in their lives. they did not care how it affected anyone. this is a huge problem right now i am serious. it's okay to have a misgendering kink, but the recipient HAS TO BE A CONSENTING ADULT. consent was violated a lot there
she suddenly became super misogynistic the second she found out i had a vag and i'm tired of pretending like all trans women are instantly enlightened the second we come out as trans women.
we're not. we're really fucking not.
we have so much patriarchal bullshit we have to unlearn. we treat each other with it. we are so misogynistic to one another. transfems bully the shit out of other transfems who dont pass. transfems love trying to call each other ugly men it's not good. it's really vicious. and a lot of conversations end up becoming yelling matches because that's the only way some transfems were taught to communicate due to toxic masculinity & patriarchal conditioning. it's not being transmisogynistic to point this out. it's really not.
if transmascs need to sit for hours and unlearn transmisogyny, which is fine, transfems must do the same about internalized misogyny and toxic masculinity. some transfems do not change any of their behaviors after coming out and this unfortunately has consequences.
take care anon. these are hard pills to swallow, but its the truth. trans men and mascs can't be the only ones getting dogged on here for having cishet patriarchal bullshit to undo. we all have this struggle. trans women are not fucking enlightened the second we come out as trans women. we have hard fucking work to do, too. boot up. your sisters are depending on you to not treat them with misogyny and toxic masculinity. you owe them more than that.
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