It's time that I apologize to all of the people I've hurt.
My name is Christopher Niosi; also known as Kirbopher. I am 30 years old and for about half of my lifetime, I have horribly mistreated and abused friends, colleagues and even my significant others. It is time that I addressed each and every one of those people and responded to their feelings with individual apologies for what I’ve done to hurt them. This will be a masterpost containing all of the appropriate posts in one location, so that the people they have been written for, along with anyone else who wishes to read them, can easily access the information.
I will provide a foreword about everything.
My most recent ex-girlfriend, Amy, and I broke up in April of this year. She decided to cut ties in May, shortly after. Finally, on Saturday of this past weekend, she decided to create a callout post detailing the emotionally abusive things I did to her throughout our relationship. I decided that the right thing to do was to take responsibility for my actions and respond publicly. I took two full days to write an apology to Amy for all of the things I’ve done and posted it on Monday night. The following morning, I was beseeched by Amy, many concerned people who left comments of their own, as well as several of the victims of my abusive behavior in the past, to come clean and apologize to everyone I’ve hurt. I have finally decided to do so.
Before reading any of these, I ask that to anyone and everyone who sees this, including those I am apologizing to, to please allow me to put some things out here that are likely to come off as selfish, I feel are very important. I know that my decision to do this is inherently going to come off as a PR stunt or some form of damage control. While I can understand why people will think this, I want to assure you that it is not. This is not an attempt to preserve my career, or livelihood or my social standings with anybody. I have accepted that by talking about all of these things, my life is going to change and there will be consequences. More importantly, this is not in expectance of any form of forgiveness either, as I will be stating many times in several of these apologies, that I do not expect any of the following people TO forgive me for all I’ve done.
This is about finally, for possibly the first time in my life, doing the right thing. It may also, for the first time in my life, be the first real step I’m taking to change; to become a better person. Most of the people I have written these apologies to have had callout posts regarding their personal negative experiences with me for the last several years and they have gone publicly unaddressed by me. I also state multiple times in these apologies that I understand full well, my choosing to respond to them now, as opposed to when they were first posted, is far too late and long overdue. There is no denying or excusing that fact. But here, now, I genuinely want to make amends for all of the horrible things I have done.
I am going to share something sensitive, that is related to my decision to do this. Just as this is not intended to be a PR stunt, what I’m about to say is not in any way fabricated nor is it meant to manipulate readers or instill any kind of bias. It is simply the truth and I feel is relevant:
I have only in my life ever experienced two times where I felt legitimately suicidal. The first time was 5 years ago, the week I moved to California, not knowing how to handle the shock of seeing callout posts directed towards me, thinking my life was over and that there would be no way to survive and that I should die as penance. I survived it, with the support of friends, but then I chose never to address the things that were said about me. They were people that were once my friends, significant others, people I looked up to, people who looked up to me…and all this time, I stayed silent. However, the second time I felt suicidal was this past Monday night, a few hours before posting my apology to Amy. I had become so internally conflicted about if it was really the right thing to do or not; this time not because of concern for it ruining my life, but because I wanted so badly to make amends and I didn’t know if this would even be good enough; that if it was truly sign of me wanting to actually change for real. The pressure was a feeling I have never experienced in my entire life and I will never forget it. I overcame this feeling and solidified my decision with 100% certainty. I needed to speak from my heart, so I seized this newfound resolve and I went ahead and posted it.
Please understand, the reason I am sharing this information about my mental state is NOT in any way to garner sympathy or pity or appear as a victim. I am not the victim, I am the offender. I am sharing this information about the two moments I felt suicidal to illustrate that, while I haven’t changed enough and it will absolutely not happen overnight, that the experience left a lasting impression on me that I am choosing to use in a positive way to REALLY begin the change.
I have wanted to become a better person for what feels like my entire life; it’s not something that should be such a struggle, but somehow I’ve made it the most difficult thing in the world. I may have learned and developed and improved in some aspects, but not enough. The damage I’ve caused and the abusive acts I’ve committed towards people that I cared about is evidence of that. If I want to be a decent human being, this is all only part of the first step. I have a lot more work to do that I plan on diving into after I finish moving to a new house, but that’s not the focus of this point. The point is, this is it. Taking responsibility for all of the things I’ve done is only the beginning. If this entire thing is still just part of the first step, I want to do it right, no matter what it takes.
Here are the following apologies I have written that I would like to share. There are several key individuals who sought for apologies not included here. I have sent them what I’ve written privately and their names are omitted to protect their identities. (Updated on 7/19) Of mention is Shane (previously known as Dii and prior to that, Shannon) who has granted me permission to say that he does not wish to be involved with this matter publicly. His personal apology that I wrote was accepted privately at their request.
Amy - Former Girlfriend and Employed Editor - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186333328301/zeroincorporated-kirbopher-the-following-is-a
Tara Welker - Former Friend (Updated on 7/19 with additional apologies for unaddressed actions by the person’s request.) - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186406400816/kirbopher-to-tara-welker-of-the-apologies-i
Audrey Kare - Former Girlfriend and Employed Animator - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186354826406/to-audrey-kare-we-have-not-spoken-in-many-years
Cailen Denton - Former Friend and Actor - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186354833241/to-cailen-denton-weve-not-spoken-in-a-very-long
Filthyanimal - Former Friend - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186354841431/to-filthyanimal-its-been-the-longest-time-of
John Markel - Fellow Animator and Former Fan (Updated on 7/19 with additional apologies for unaddressed actions by the person’s request.) - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186406398526/mugiwarajm-kirbopher-to-john-markel-you
(Updated on 7/19 to add this apology to whom requested it.) Anthony LoGatto - Former Fan - https://kirbopher.tumblr.com/post/186406402076/to-anthony-logatto-we-havent-seen-each-other
To all of those whom these are meant for, I hope you will see them and read them. I have no expectation of what each of your individual feelings will be, but know that I tried to be as thorough as I possibly could to take responsibility for all of the things I know for certain I had done to hurt each of you. I went through as much of your words from as many accounts I could find and refresh myself on, as well as recounting my own memories, to address as many problems relating to each of you personally as I could. I understand that in addition to probably not accepting these apologies or forgiving me for any of my actions, that these might not be good enough in terms of how much I covered, the general detail of everything, my level of sincerity and much more. I will not make excuses for if they are not to your satisfaction. I am willing to continue improving any and all of them if it will prove that I mean every word. If you wish to speak with me privately, you can feel free to reach out in any way you can. If you wish to comment publicly, you are welcome to do so with any criticisms you may have. I will try to respond as quickly and efficiently as I can. I want to make this right; I will do anything to make that happen.
To my friends, my family, my fans and anyone else who I have disappointed and let down by learning these things about me, I’m sorry. I will not ask for any support; I need to handle this on my own and deal with the consequences. I will not bear any ill will towards anyone who wishes to sever ties with me. To anyone who wishes to give me this chance to finally start a real change in myself, I appreciate it.
In addition, I would like to use this space to cast an open call to anyone else I have yet to address personally with a full apology. I wanted to act on this as soon as possible and cover as many people as I could from the start. I am open to being reached out to personally and publicly. I am willing to keep doing this until I have made amends to anyone I have ever hurt. That is all that matters to me right now. I am not concerned with work, my career, my future, at the moment. This is what is most important to me.
I’ve said this before and will say it again. I don’t need to be wished luck. I’m not looking for forgiveness. I only hope I am finally taking the first true step to being a better person and I will do my best to never let anyone else down, or hurt anyone else I care about ever again.
The users going “dude, don’t bother mentioning your suicidal feelings on an apology post, that’s just manipulative and seeking attention and pity!” obviously missed the part here was Chris states, very clearly:
I am going to share something sensitive, that is related to my decision to do this. Just as this is not intended to be a PR stunt, what I’m about to say is not in any way fabricated nor is it meant to manipulate readers or instill any kind of bias. It is simply the truth and I feel is relevant:
If the suicidal thoughts and urges were an important part of providing CONTEXT for Chris’ decisions and why he feels it so crucial that he start changing his ways and becoming a better person, then they sure as Hell should be made known. Otherwise, there’d be no full understanding of how things have been looking on Chris’ end, and a lack of such an understanding would leave too much room for doubt and skepticism.
I for one am willing to give this Kirbopher Redemption Arc a fair chance.
