“alright man, i wasn’t here the night of the fire but this is what i think as, you know, one of chuck e’s angels, like off the record. unless you wanna, like tell the people of course, cause that’s totally chill if you do, man, i still love you.” deon says absolutely unprovoked, brow arching for a moment he smiles and continues, “but dude, i think i fuckin’ cracked it, man! like i fuckin got it, bruh, like, okay.” deon puts his hands up as he arches his brows higher, immediately saying, “no one knows how the fire happened right, like it’s a total fuckin’ mystery… like nancy drew. or scooby doo you know? but i fuckin’ do, because right around the same time that we had the fire the fuckin toy store got in those new little ugly things, you know, the furbies!” deon’s eyes are bright with his enthusiasm as he gestures wildly. “bruh, my theory is that at night, those little motherfuckers turned into gremlins, you know from like the movie gremlins, and they fuckin’ came in and tried to burn down the chuck e cheese, cause, get this,” deon leans into them conspiratorially, almost whispering as he says, “they didn’t want the competition. they were jealous of chuck e! they wanted to be the only animatronic motherfuckers in town! and also cause you know, they’re gremlins and those fuckers are nasty.” deon nods in approval at his words, leaning back easily before he’s arching a brow and pointing at them as he says, “and you wanna know how i know i’m right? the next day after the fire,” deon brings his hands together a moment before making an exploding gesture as if to silently say ‘poof’. “…all the fuckin’ furbies were fuckin gone, man! like how do you explain that? they’re evil, dude, i’m fuckin telling you!” deon shakes his head with a sigh as if deeply put out, “they’re gonna fuckin’ kill us in our sleep…”
kit is nodding along with deon; he is always down for some conspiracy theories about the chuck e. cheese burning down. ever since it happened, it had been his very favorite hobby. to have something like that happen right next to him? it was too good to be true. however, kit had to snort at the end. “c’mon, deon, don’t be ridiculous.” he leaned forward, conspiratorially. “now, i have to agree, gremlins are nasty fuckers, and those furbies? even nastier. but. you’re forgetting a very obvious explanation.” he points in the general direction of chuck e. cheese’s, “those furbies? those are already godless abominations, they were created by evangelical christians to sow discord and bring about the apocalypse and the second coming of jesus christ. now, typically, there are a few people, members of a secret satantic cult, that go around to buy up all the furbies to halt this plot. but here’s the thing, those furbies in the chuck e. cheese? they were in a machine, they were nearly unwinnable prizes. they can’t just buy them up. so, what do the cult members do? a robbery of just the furbies would be too easily traceable, far too suspicious. so, they have to burn that entire motherfucker to the ground for the sake of humanity and to prevent the world as we know it from ending.”
