The 5 Stages of a Dad Building a Deck
1. Denial
The Dad sets out to replace his old deck. He can do it on his own, he assures his Wife, because while growing up he had done it with his own father. The Dad insists that he knows perfectly well what he's doing, even as his family watches him bumble from inside, dropping planks of wood and hitting his thumb with a hammer. This is stage one.
2. Anger
As one week grows to two, and two weeks slides into four, and four weeks drags on to seven, the Dads patience with himself starts to dwindle. The disbelief of his family only grows as the time spent on the deck does, and the Dad starts to become irritable and unstable. This is stage two.
3. Bargaining
The Dad's Wife confronts him about the deck, sick of the half finished eyesore shambling outside the kitchen window. She tell him he better finish it soon, "or else." The Dad promises the railing will be done in 4 days, the supports in 5, the railings in 3. All empty promises, never fulfilled. This is stage three.
4. Depression
"Or else" comes without warning for the Dad, because one fateful Monday afternoon after a day at the office, he comes home to find strangers working on his deck. The Dad's Wife explains that she needed someone who knew what they were doing to just get it over with, and the Dad can only reply by mumbling something vaguely racist about Hispanics. His pride has been shattered, and he spends the next week moping in the basement. His sorrow is only made worse when the experts outside (only one of whom is actually Hispanic) say they will be there for an extra day because they had to dismantle his previous constructions. This is stage four.
5. Acceptance
Once the deck is completed, the Dad comes to cherish the new deck, and embrace it as his own. It's "just as he imagined," save for the finish which he would have liked a little greener. However, this does not detract from the joy he feels towards his homes new posterior construction. He is rejuvenated by finally having somewhere to grill hamburgers again, and to read the newspaper outdoors. His family greatly appreciates it too, both for being able to make use of their back door and for having their Dad back to the way he used to be. The Dad will now move on to other projects, such as finishing the basement, or remodeling the kitchen.
