oct 12th, 2007 at 3:05am
actually re-reading this made me realize how years of r&b and jay legaspi songs affect just how big of a softy i turned out to be.
i’m having one of those sleepless nights again and i came across this on facebook. i forgot i wrote this note and reading it again reminded me that I still don’t claim to know how to fix whatever it is. (lies. im pretty sure i know how i can fix this but enjoy the read.)
oct 12th, 2007
“If you’re gonna settle down [bro], you gotta make sure that’s the right girl. You’d get that feeling that you can’t mess around with anyone else because that girl is the right girl & if not, just don’t commit for the hell of it.” i swear, we’ve had this talk before. no it’s not deja vu, its more like we’d bring it up, wanna settle and then go through a whole other set of girls. now i’m not saying me and my boys are players, no..far from it. Maybe it’s that time of the year again where i look around and everyones settling down, maybe it’s that the weathers changing again that it makes me realize summer fun’s over without the beginning or end of a summer fling or maybe it’s a realization that it’s finally time to grow up that this whole thing is getting TOO OLD or maybe, just maybe it’s that..i miss it. now this isn’t a cry or a plee for salvation from what some may call loneliness but more of a desire to find that right person who’d fit snug under my shoulder on a cold winter night. im throwing everything out there. my fears, my hopes, my number (jk). but mostly, i’m throwing my experience out there and maybe along the way i’ll realize where’ve i’ve went wrong and maybe take some advise for once. but don’t let this just be a form of me venting, let this also be advise to those who’re going through this as well. Maybe someone on that massive friend’s list is going to read this and go..”wow, that guy fucked up..but he seems to know what he’s talking about” or at least go “hmm, that makes sense. this guy IS DEEP!” i don’t do this often so, for everyone that thinks guys can’t be deep, strap yourselves in, GRAB A LIFEVEST, cuz I’ve Got DEPTH. pt/ 1 - FOR THE HELL OF IT. “We’ve been here before bro. I remember the mistakes i’ve made and you know where it led me? $80 down the drain and calls sent straight to voicemail.” -Myself. youve been there before. don’t lie. maybe not in recent memory, but you’ve been there..or at least thought about it. you know, settling down because everyone else has. For those that haven’t, it’s something like this. meet a girl. think she’s cute. go on a date. RUSH THINGS. go on another date. let 2 weeks pass. tell her you’ve fallen for her. kiss (important step #1). ask her to be yours (important step #2). 1 week passes. you get tired of the calls. one of your boys breaks up w/ their girl. you get BORED WITH HER. 2 days pass. you’re annoyed. you call her (important step #3). tell her you rushed things (important step #4). break up with her. (obviously important step #5). move on with your life. the end. SOUND FAMILIAR? yup. man, you (& myself) are complete assholes. but don’t feel bad. you know why? you knew what you were getting yourself into. you let others get the best of you. YOU DID WHAT ALL THE COOL KIDS WERE DOING. consider it a trend that got old. you weren’t sprung, you were in fact TRYING TO BE COOL. & more importantly, you realized something very, very itrue, probably the truest thing that came out of your 2 week relationship & that’s.. SHE WASN’T THE ONE FOR YOU!..& this leads us too.. pt/ 2 - BABY GIRL, WHAT’S YOUR NAME? “damn yo, that girl was so fine but i’m def feeling her friend. in fact ima get em both nigga!” this is probably the biggest problem i’ve faced and i’m sure any other college freshman faced and that’s THE RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF GIRLS THAT YOU MEET. & you ask yourself. what do i do? you can’t become SPRUNG off the 1st girl you hook up with cuz that’s just gonna result in another facebook group creation of “let’s forget we hooked up last night” & thus eliminating the chance of booty calls. but it’s also fine of you can’t make up your mind. GO AHEAD! make those BOOTY CALLS! GO TO A CLUB! MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS! have fun! i’m not stopping you by any means. in fact, the whole (secret) meaning of this all is to meet the right person for you. there are 2 kinds of people out there that are looking for relationships. there are: -the ones that get too far ahead in the realtionship and regret they didn’t play the field more. -the ones that get frustrated and impatient but are happy in the long run. you’ll feel like your lost, caught in a windstorm of regrets and happiness. you’ll get rejected and realize (fuck her) and move onto the next. yeah, it’s a bitch and you realize that it’s just a vicious circle. but eventually..you’ll find that one person (or maybe a few, it’s up to you to step YOUR game up and SERIOUSLY date around) that’s gonna make you STOP & realize, “maybe i should really get to know this one.” and this wonderfully leads us to my favorite but probably the hardest of it all.. pt/ 3 - THIS MIGHT BE IT (?) i’m vulnerable, i’m not going to lie. i’ve been in this position so many times before that it scares me. it scares me that i’ve settled and that it just crashes from here. but it’s one hell of a feeling & maybe one day it’ll last. this is when i’m at my happiest to be honest with you. i don’t know what it is..maybe it’s the cuddling, the fights you have just so you can make up, the “nah, i don’t feel like going to TRADS tonight, i’m just gonna stay with babygirl.” it’s when you’re just fine with her wearing nothing more than “a T-shirt and Sweats” (thank you jay legaspi for writing that song.) the handholding, the songs you have for each other, the 3 am phonecalls just to tell each other you love each other. & maybe i haven’t come to a state where i’d think it’d be love but i can only imagine. THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT. THIS IS YOUR MEANING TO LIFE. but again, i’ve said it. i’m scared. i can’t help but think what if? i’ve made those mistakes of NOT staying home because i’m scared of commitment. i didn’t pick up those 3 am phonecalls. & i didn’t remember that song i picked just for her. I’M AFRAID OF COMMITMENT. not because i don’t want to settle. but because i’m NOT CONVINCED that SHE’S the ONE. I NEED TO BE CONVINCED. & i’m all for it. pt/ 4 - MAYBE IT’S YOU. “the one that i hold feels the same way about me, tonight.” -Jay Legaspi (jacketlining) i’m not changing who i am. & i don’t think anyone out there has too. i’ve been told that true love comes outta nowhere and you can’t expect it. i believe that. but when it does come i also believe that you better be ready. are you going to open yourself up to this person? what sets this person apart? why are we arguing to see who goes to sleep first? everything just has to fall into place. this is honestly a topic i can’t really write about because i’m yet to live it. i’m writing this one because i hope for a hollywood ending. we all want that, the true happiness that were seeking in another individual. all that bullshit lovey dovey crap. i want it. minus the bull shit and the crap. but we just have to be ready for it. and just stop and.. realize that you just know this is right. & if now is the right time to find her, then sure. if not, that’s cool too. pt/ 5 - WHAT I’M REALLY GETTING AT i miss it. i’m impatient. i’m lost. i’m scared. i’m worried. i’m anxious. i’m EVERYWHERE & everything i want and don’t want to be right now. she’s out there. i know she is. but i’m not quite dying for love right now. & here’s my problem. i have too much fun. i don’t know how to settle. i don’t know where to start, again. so you tell me. i can talk about pt 1, 2, 3 for days because i’ve been there. but pt 3 is getting shady and 1 and 2 seem too repititive. & pt 4 is just unchartered territory. i’m open but closed til it’s right. i’ll take a few less drinks if that’s what it takes. i’m DONE (i hope) with the drunken hookups. that’s a grown up thing to say. & if that’s what it takes, fine. so dear ms. perfect fit under my arm. i know youre out there. maybe you’ll read this. maybe your friends with one of mine. who knows. no more regrets. i’m learning though. just wish me luck.