Archaeologist Sue Westheimer announced today the discovery of a position previously unknown to modern sexual science. Practiced previously in ancient Mesopotamia, the position was called “Gordinoktu,” in cuneiform script, which translated roughly as “The Tangled Knot”.
The position was discovered by Westheimer in late 2019 on a dig on the site of the Great Sorority of Eridu, which once served as a veritable library of romantic acts. Previously discovered at the same site were early forms of the Kama Sutra and Perfumed Garden, as well as the Ananga Ranga. The site also housed figurines depicting various acts, some of which only became popular in modern culture as recently as the 1990s.
But the Tangled Knot position is unique. Said Westheimer, “The Knot is unusual in that it seems to have been lost even by the time of the Pharaohs. There is no known record of it in the Ancient Egyptian Papyrus of Ronjermi, the Greek Erotonomicon, the Roman Ars Amatoria, or even the 1611 King James Penthouse.” Furthermore, no modern publications nor learned lechers seem to have discovered the position independently. According to renowned and prolific love master C.C. Lothario, “I ain’t never seen this shit.”
The stele depicting the act gave detailed instructions on how to engage in the position, which was reserved only for members of the high priesthood and royalty. The instructions are duplicated here in their entirety, but FIJMU News warns readers not to try the following without first consulting a chiropractor:
Place thy left foot by the tailbone of thy lover.
Place thy right arm upon the lover’s right thigh.
Fold thy right arm backward toward step #2, and crease.
Twist thy pelvis northward, though thou faceth the sun.
Applying generous ointment to thy feet, push them crossways nearest the elbow.
With the tools provided, affix thy legs to the underside of thy lover’s thorax, making a gap between.
Put thine left arm in, take thine left arm out, put thine left arm in, and shaketh it all about.
Tie the end of thy (untranslatable) around the length of the right pinky.
The significant organs should now be in place, conjoin them according to anatomical feasibility.
For best results, thrust in a circular motion counter-clockwise thrice per twelve seconds.
Notes on disconnection may be found on the opposite side of this stele.
Unfortunately no such opposite side has been found, so lovers intending to perform the feat may not be able to disconnect themselves.
Still, the discovery is one of the most significant finds of erotic science since the invention of the dildo by Albert Dildeaux, the vibrator by Ernesto Vibrador, or even the invention of the blow job by B.J. Fellatrix in 1669.
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