This is the last letter I'll send you. I'm going to remove you from Facebook and cease contact with you.
You have no one to blame but yourself for this situation. Your lies, your passive aggressive silence, your cowardice. All of these things are what's to blame for our failed reunion. I've tried to see things from your side (even though I don't have to), and while I think I understand why you do what you do, I can't agree with it and stand by and let it happen to me. I'm worth more than your silence.
When will you grow up? When will you say enough is enough and take back control of your own life? Own up to your mistakes, apologize, and do better? No one made you stop talking to me. You made that choice alone. You chose not to pick up the phone when I would call. You chose to stop going on Facebook. You stood me up when we had a visit arranged last June. You posted a shitty status about not being home on Tyler's birthday weekend (that you invited me to!).
Stop blaming other people - while things may not have been easy for you growing up, this doesn't excuse your behaviour now. Your parents may not have treated you with kindness as a child, but don't you realize you're doing the same thing to others now? You may not have had a choice in regards to me when you were 16, but now that you're an adult and you do the have choice? You should know better, you can chose to do better. You owe it yourself. No one deserves your forgiveness and willingness to do better more than you.
Your choices have caused me a great deal of sadness. I blamed myself at first for not being good enough. I felt ashamed. Every time I'd call and you wouldn't answer, I felt worthless - she can't even be bothered to pick up the phone, what does that say about me? I felt like a failure, like someone no one could love.
Now I feel angry. Angry that you think I'm stupid enough to fade away. Angry that you don't think I know you have a drug problem. (You're not hiding it as well as you think.) Angry that you don't value me and respect me enough as a human being - not to mention your flesh and blood - to be honest about anything.
Mostly, I feel like I should never have been born. My mother doesn't want me. My father died alone. I'll never even see his face. I was brought into this world as a mistake through and through. I should just not have happened. I often feel hopeless and alone.
Unlike you, I know that I am responsible for my reaction to how others treat me. I know that I can work through my feelings and try to accept hurtful situations around me. I am committed to doing the tough work in order to try to have a good life, despite this nagging depression. I may have been a shitty mistake, but I can try to do enough good things for other people and be kind enough to give my life purpose.
But, you should know how your behaviour affects other people. For giving up on this reunion, for your lies, and your silence, you have caused me a great deal of pain. I hope you can live with that.
In order to move on with my life, heal some of my pain, and try to pick up the pieces, I think the best thing for me is to remove you from my Facebook and cease contact with you. I can rest knowing I tried my absolute best to make things work, and against every obstacle you've thrown at me for that matter. At this point, it's unfair for you to get to participate in my life on the sidelines. Why should you see anything about my life if you can't be bothered to contribute? You don't deserve to see photos of your first grandchild if you can't make an effort to be part of our lives.
For me, now, this awful reunion chapter is closed. I'm making peace with the fact that you'll probably always be too much of a coward to own up to your mistakes and your behaviour and the pain you've caused to others. I'm trying, but frankly it breaks my heart. I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping that things had turned out differently, especially when I meet my own children and really know what it means to be a mother.
As a fellow human being, I hope your life gets better. You get off the drugs, find the courage to face your demons, own up to your mistakes, and find happiness.
As your child, I'm sad that day might not come. No, heartbroken. My heart literally aches for you and for the pain you must be in that allows you to treat others and especially your daughter with such little regard.
Mostly, though, I'm sad for me, knowing that I couldn't help you, and that it's time to make the difficult final step to let you go and move on with my life.
PS I'm sad for Tyler, too. She's disappeared like you did. I'm not sure how much of it is her choice, or yours. When I realized that you had cut yourself off and I wouldn't see her on her birthday, I sent a card and a gift by mail that was returned to me. Did you send it back? I emailed and texted to see if she got it and no response. Whatever happens between you and I, I keep her separate. If you have any goodness in your heart, you'll let our relationship be. I'm not going to reach out to her, but if she ever wants to reach out to me I am open.
