Sammy's Little Problem, Chapter 28
Sammy barely stirred as Allie changed her diaper, somewhere between awake and asleep. A serene, contented smile peeking behind her pacifier.
Morning sun trickles into the nursery, enveloping the room in a comforting golden glow. Birds chirp their happy songs in the distance. The world at peace.
Even Kaya, their usually rowdy golden retriever puppy, basked quietly in the sun, lying on her back, paws stretched out.
Allie treasured these moments most of all—these intimate, tender moments between a Caregiver and her Little when the outside world faded away.
There is no shame or embarrassment in Sammy’s eyes. Only love and comfort. She’s free from her fears about the future for a few beautiful minutes, not even fussing about having her diaper changed.
These fleeting moments are more rewarding for Allie than Sammy could ever understand. No matter what the future might hold, Allie hopes Sammy can be as happy and relaxed as she is right now.
Allie finishes taping on Sammy’s diaper, watching the morning grogginess fade from her eyes.
“Good morning, Sammy,” Allie cooed, snapping the last button of Sammy’s onesie, “How’d you sleep?”
Sammy stretches, her feet wiggling off the changing table, sending Kaya into frenzied excitement. If Kaya learned anything about the morning routine, it’s that Sammy’s morning wiggles mean it’s time to start the day.
“G-good morning,” Sammy yawns, “I’m coming, I’m coming, Kaya!”
Allie lowers Sammy off the changing table. Sammy sits on the floor, letting the golden floof hurricane jump all over her, licking her face. Sammy erupts into laughter.
“You two are just so stinking cute. Ready for breakfast?”
Kaya immediately bounces up and down. Based on their reactions, Allie can’t tell who is more excited for breakfast.
“Yes, please, Allie!”
Ten minutes later, Sammy is happily—if not messily—eating her plate of waffles, strawberries, and whipped cream.
“Slow down, silly. It’s breakfast, not a race with Kaya!”
“What? It’s yummy!”
Allie smiles, wiping strawberry syrup from Sammy’s cheek. “I can see that! Are you excited to play with Hannah and Jane today?”
Still blushing from having her cheeks wiped clean, Sammy hesitates. “I-I think so.”
Allie wasn’t surprised at Sammy’s hesitation. It wasn’t that Sammy couldn’t make friends; it was just the first time she’d be doing it as a Little.
If it were up to Sammy, Allie was sure she’d prefer to keep her old friends, Lindsay especially. But Allie knew, and was sure Sammy did, too, that her friendship with Lindsay was forever altered.
It wasn’t that Sammy and Lindsay couldn’t be friends, of course. They’d always be friends. Family, even. And Allie would always encourage them to spend time together.
But the unmistakable truth is that Sammy is a Little, not a Caregiver like Lindsay. In a few weeks, Lindsay will head off to college. She’s starting her journey to adulthood. She’ll graduate, get a job, and maybe even start a family.
The social chasm between Sammy and Lindsay will only grow over time.
Sammy will never have those same experiences. At least not the way Lindsay will. Even if Sammy makes it through the daycare program, her college experience will vastly differ from Lindsay’s.
Unlike Lindsay, Sammy will never stay in a dorm and is unlikely to attend a single lecture in person. Littles don’t get such freedoms. Sammy will only take online courses at home under Allie’s watchful eye.
Besides, Stanford’s lecture halls don’t come with changing tables and a place for Sammy to sleep for her afternoon nap.
“It’s okay to be nervous, Sammy. I know it’s not the same as spending time with Lindsay, but making new friends isn’t a bad thing, right?”
“Well, no. But…it’s just…I don’t want to end up like Hannah, that’s all…”
Allie rubs Sammy’s back. “Oh, honey, is that what this is about? Just because she didn’t pass the daycare program doesn’t mean you won’t.”
Tears welled in Sammy’s eyes. “She…she didn’t want to be a Little, either. She wanted to go to college like me. And now…now she’s just a Little!”
Allie took a deep, steadying breath. “Sammy, look at me. Hannah is not just a Little. And there is nothing wrong with accepting things as they are. Besides, she’s not some smart rocket scientist like you. If anyone can make it to college, it’s you.”
“Yes, she is! What else does she do? That’s right, nothing! All she is is a Little!”
“She’s also happy, Sammy. Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you just have to make some lemonade. That’s all I want for you, Sammy. To be happy. Because like it or not, you’re a Little, too.”
“Easy for you to say,” Sammy retorts. “You don’t have to wear diapers. You just change them. Must be nice!”
Allie thinks back to the peaceful morning diaper change. It’s funny how fast things change.
“Sammy, I understand. I get it. It’s not fair. But there’s nothing you can do but move forward.”
Allie immediately knew that wasn’t the right thing to say. The tears that had been welling in Sammy’s eyes fell down her cheeks.
“NO! I won’t!” Sammy screamed, “I won’t be some dumb Little who sits around all day pooping their diaper and watching cartoons! Won’t W—. ”
Sammy’s yells devolve into sobs, sinking into her chair. Allie picks her up, carrying her to the couch. She lays Sammy on her lap, resting her head on her shoulder.
Allie lets Sammy cry. This isn’t time for logic—there aren’t any words that would help Sammy right now. All Allie can do is comfort Sammy as she cries.
Minutes pass as Allie rubs Sammy’s back. Eventually, Sammy’s sobs ease, and Sammy readjusts herself, resting her face on Allie’s collarbone.
She couldn’t understand why—her mind argued against it—but, as if compelled by instinct, Allie lowered her top and bra. Somehow, her heart knew Sammy needed it.
She was right.
Without hesitation, Sammy wordlessly latched on, her eyes closed. The tension in her body immediately faded away as she suckled. Sammy’s sobs lessened as Allie rubbed Sammy’s back.
Allie sighed in relief, glad that Sammy never opened her eyes. She didn’t want Sammy to see the tears welling in her eyes—and that she was just as overwhelmed as Sammy. A whirlwind of emotions raged within her, clashing with each other.
Sammy’s fears and anxiety threatened to crush her under the weight of her responsibility. It was her job to be there for Sammy and guide her into this next chapter of her life. She never expected it to be easy, but watching Sammy breakdown felt like having her own heart ripped out.
She couldn’t explain why this moment felt different—this certainly wasn’t Sammy’s first meltdown over her future. Sammy’s comment that Hannah was “just a little” rattled Allie to her core.
To make things more confusing, Allie's feelings of doubt and worry were matched by another, seemingly contradictory feeling. Allie had never felt more like a Caregiver than at this moment. A tidal wave of love and contentment—feelings that only come from finding one’s true purpose and passion—sprung out of her.
Allie watched Sammy continue suckling, tears now falling in earnest. Her Little, the person she chose to devote her life to caring for, needed her. And in that moment of need, when it felt her entire world was crashing down on her, she turned to Allie. It was in Allie’s arms, in this embrace, that Sammy found solace and peace.
Sammy may not be her biological child, but Allie understood this was no longer just a Caregiver/Little relationship. Sammy was her child, blood be damned. She loved Sammy more than anything she had ever loved in her life. She would do anything—anything—for the fragile Little in her lap who needed her.
She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t noticed Sammy had stopped suckling.
“I-I’m…I’m sorry, Allie…D-didn’t mean to make you cry…”
Allie met Sammy’s tearful eyes, so full of concern, sadness, and, most of all, vulnerability. She smiled, wiping her own tears.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Sammy. I love you. I love you more than anyone in the entire world. Sammy, you are my world. These aren’t tears of sadness; these are tears of love.”
A tear spilled from Sammy’s eye as she processed Allie’s words. “P-promise, Allie?”
“Yes, Sammy. I promise. I love you. I will always love you.”
Sammy’s eyes flooded with tears, spilling down her cheeks. Not tears of sadness, Allie knew. She could see it in Sammy’s eyes, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her. Behind those watery eyes, Sammy understood she was safe. She was loved.
She was home. And unlike her parents, Allie would never abandon her—no matter what. The thought buoyed Sammy’s spirit.
“I-I love you too, Allie!” Sammy beamed, hugging Allie so tight she was worried she’d break a rib.
Allie hugged her back, an embrace that lasted minutes, hours, days. Not a word was said, yet the hug was a conversation in itself. Neither needed to speak; the embrace conveyed more than any words could ever hope to achieve.
“Kaya! Kaya! Tickles!” Sammy squealed.
While they hugged, Kaya had sprinted onto the couch, crashing the moment between Sammy and Allie in a way only a needy, loving golden retriever could do. She locked on Sammy, licking her feet.
It was as if the heaviness of the day, of the conversations, of Sammy’s doubts had disappeared. Sammy laughed hysterically as Kaya climbed her way over Sammy, wedging herself between the two of them.
“Such a silly puppy!” Allie laughed, watching Kaya dig her head into Sammy to lick her face.
“Hehehe! Okay, okay, you got me, Kaya!” Sammy squealed in utter delight, her diaper crinkling as she squirmed.
Allie watched the two play on her lap, grinning from ear to ear.
“C-can we take Kaya for a walk before we go play with Hannah, please?”
How could Allie say no?
“Of course, Sammy. Let’s go get you changed.”
Allie wiped the last tear from her face, happier than she had ever been in her entire life.
