I hope this isnât overstepping boundaries, but I would like to ask you, how to learn to defend yourself as a woman without feeling any guilt/fear? I just entered college (im a adult), and I prepared myself to change and to grow and to bloom into a woman already but Iâm being so disrespected and by a specific person. Heâs always demeaning me, making fun of things I say, and even started making hints at my appearance in a âjoking mannerâ. At first, he was genuinely a good friend, helpful, a good listener, gave me things and favors. I donât know how to simply tell him to stop disrespecting me and heâs from my friend circle and my girl friends really like him. I have called my mom and told her I wanted to move classrooms and she told me I was just allowing him to interfere in my life. Many, many times I tried telling him âhey, youâre not going to talk about me like thisâ but I simply go blank. I feel like the biggest loser by allowing a man to make feel like this (and one that I donât even feel romantic interest in) or even for believing that i could have a healthy friendship with a man. Iâm asking you this because youâre like, so fierce and confident and the most womanly I known but again I donât want to overstep any boundary with you
First I want to say that I hear you and I am not dismissing what you are going through but I also want to be honest with you. You are in college now. You are an adult. And the most important thing I can tell you is that this specific situation, as uncomfortable as it feels right now, is genuinely one of the smaller versions of what life will ask you to handle. This is an opportunity to build the muscle you are going to need for much harder rooms than this one.
Now. The practical part. It is possible, genuinely possible, that he has no idea he is doing it. I have been on both sides of this. I have a personality that runs sharp and I have had people tell me that something I said hurt them when I believed entirely that I was just being playful. When that was pointed out to me I stopped immediately because I am not actually trying to wound people I care about. He may be the same. You do not know yet because you have not told him clearly enough for it to land.
What you have been doing (going blank, trailing off, hoping he picks up on it) is not telling him. That is hinting and hinting does not work on people who are not already paying close attention to your comfort levels which clearly he is not. You do not have to do it to his face if that feels impossible right now. A message is fine. Short, direct, no anger, no lengthy explanation. Something that says this specific thing you do makes me uncomfortable and I need it to stop. You do not need his understanding or his apology or even his acknowledgment. You need him to stop and you need to have said it clearly enough that if he continues you know exactly what that means about him.
Your mother is right by the way. The only person giving him this much real estate in your life is you, and you have the ability to reclaim it at any point. I am not going to dismiss you or tell you this is normal because it is not and you already know that. But I also need you to understand that if you cannot stand up for yourself in a situation this straightforward, a friend group, a college classroom, one mildly disrespectful boy, what happens when the stakes are actually high? This is not me being harsh, this is me telling you that knowing how to defend your own dignity is a basic survival skill and not an optional one. You are going to need it for the rest of your life in rooms far more intimidating than this one. Start here.
