Waiting for a diagnosis - my thoughts
UPDATE: It was BPD with emotional deprivation... Interesting!
I am waiting for my diagnosis and I am firmly convinced that I have schizoid personality disorder.
However, I do not typically portray all the characteristics of this disorder. Here's how I feel:
First of all, I'm consumed by maladaptive daydreaming - I imagine myself talking to someone, or I create fictional characters that I imagine myself interacting with;
I have friends and colleagues, however, there are two scenarios: 1) the people I choose to be close to are unavailable (logistically and/or emotionally), so we see each other infrequently; 2) I feel an emptiness around the people I meet regularly, as if I have nothing to talk to them about;
I feel a deep sense of emptiness;
I feel no pleasure, most of my activities are pass time activities;
I mask my emptiness and boredom in social situations - I have mastered to perfection smiles and the ability to sustain a conversation, even though I am not interested in it;
I prefer to talk about intellectual topics rather than share emotions;
I am incapable of reacting emotionally in the face of tragedy or crisis;
I have a well-ordered life;
When I am off medication (sertraline + aripiprazole) during periods of heightened stress, I experience severe generalized anxiety, resulting in magical and paranoid thinking;
I do not feel sexual tension. In general. I masturbate only when I need to relieve stress;
I tend to fill my emptiness with cigarettes and alcohol (they stimulate my maladaptive daydreaming).
I first noticed some of the symptoms when I was 17. Now I'm 25, and I'm noticing more and more symptoms as a regular part of my behavior. There have been suspicions that I have ASD, but I and the specialists reject the idea due to the lack of problems such as sensory integration disorder or lack of cognitive empathy.
As a child, I was a victim of abuse from one parent and absence from the other parent.
Symptoms that are part of schizoid personality disorder, which I do NOT have:
lack of response to criticism and praise - for me, these are normal feedback on, for example, my work.
Specialists have never suggested that I have schizoid personality disorder. I understand that, given that it is one of the rarer disorders. We'll see what the diagnostician says…
Has anyone had a similar experience?
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