best imitation of myself

I know what I'm not and I'm trying to figure out what I am. Zoe. Nebraska.

[czechthecount]

San Bernardino Pass

[calsnape]

The ice cracked beneath my feet as I edged closer and closer to the water, my breath clouding my vision with every exhale in the chilly morning air http://ift.tt/2lqeoT9

[thenordroom]

Small grey Scandinavian apartment

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[ageofeternalliving]

Just some thoughts

I think the Sunrise movement is incredibly important. Young people need to be making moves within the social justice resistance that is focused on climate change. Climate justice can intersect perfectly with all other social justice movements. The issue I find with it, is the farmers, the people working in plants, for corporations are not interested in this. How are they planning to reach out and work with them? 

Using momentum as a framework for IfNotNow makes sense. It speaks across class divides, and works throughout the country. I see the Sunrise movementa s something that only targets people in urban areas. But what about our farmers. What about the people in middle america. They need to be heard. How are they planning on reaching out to them?

This is why we lost the last election.

[ageofeternalliving]

http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/361315-female-snl-staffers-show-support-for-franken?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=female%C2%A0SNL%20staffers%20wrote%20a%20letter%20in%20support%20of%20Senator%20Al%20Franken&utm_campaign=OOR%20-%2011.22.17 I think this is incredibly fucked up. In a way, it puts the survivors in an incredibly shitty place. It leads to ‘well what’s the difference between how those women acted versus the women that were assaulted by Him.’ This does not help anyone. The argument is men are using their power that the system of patriarchy has allowed them and are using women. It’s not a matter of which women they respect, he should respect all women.

[ageofeternalliving]

The transcription of a voice memo I just found on my phone dated 2/23/2017

I don’t think you understand to go from one up high to one that is perceived as down low but you perceive it as higher. 

I don’t think you understand from your perspective I went from the brand name cheetos to ya know the non-brand name.

But I didn’t.

I went from cheetos to flaming hots.

And it’s because I get to wear glitter and it’s because I get to kiss whomever I want, and it’s because I finally get to label myself as me.

And the labels you see, the labels are the thing that I have an issue with, the labels are the thing that make you comfortable and I’m not here to make you comfortable, I’m here to make me comfortable and I’m comfortable with no labels. I’m comfortable with being the person to hold a coke bottle and tear the label off because who gives a fuck what the inside is called.

What I do care about is you tearing that top off and tasting me, and tasting me again. 

And maybe I taste different the first time, and maybe I taste different the second time because I’m in a different context. And that’s ok because I’m still the same person. I’m still that same bottle, with the same top screwed on wayyy too tight. 

But it’s loosening, slowly and slowly and slowly it’s loosening. And sometimes I want to fall down a rabbit hole and get lost until I can say curiouser and curiouser with as much conviction as alice did. 

And sometimes I just want to stay in bed and cry.

But it’s funny because I haven’t cried in a while.

But I don’t expect the ocean to cry, and I don’t expect mother earth to cry.

Because there is no pity for the weak.

[ageofeternalliving]

It reminds me of...

And as I think about Rihanna having to see her abuser continue to have a successful career,

And as I read about trans womyn of color’s work being co-opted,

And as I read about another university (with a large jewish student population) allowing richard spencer to speak,

And as I notice that when white womyn stand up and finally ‘out’ their abusers, are womyn as a whole finally listened to,

I think about Martin Miemöller and his words, his warning.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

And when mother nature swallows us up, it won’t have mattered anyway.

[ageofeternalliving]

Hello, my name is Zoe. My preferred pronouns are they/them. I am v queer. Happy national coming out day!! I hope you have a great day! Don’t forget to drink water, take your meds and call your people.

[ageofeternalliving]

Every day is my mental health awareness day and my coming out day.

My name is Zoe. In January of 2017 I came out as queer and non-binary. I am still in the process of becoming comfortable with telling people that, because announcement and explanation come hand in hand. I have yet to be able to comfortably explain my sexuality and my gender identity to those who have not fully been surrounded by other queer or trans people. I have a privilege from being femme presenting. It allows me to be immediately welcomed into spaces. I struggle with my femme presentation because I am not a girl or a woman. I have feminine qualities and masculine qualities and I do not identify as male or female. I identify as non-binary. I have so much respect to those who came before me, who had to fight to explain themselves every day. It is exhausting and it’s harder for me (and I’m sure I’m not alone in this) to be a beneficial member of society when I feel I have to constantly explain myself.

My name is Zoe and when I was in middle school, my therapist explained to me that I deal with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. My brain chemistry and thought processes are different. I am constantly questioning myself and have to work hard to feel confident in my work and relationships. This has varied over the years and every day looks different in these battles.

To sum up, I’m tired (exhausted even) of having to explain why I am uncomfortable being called a girl. I am tired of having to explain my anxiety to people I work closely with every day who I do not consider friends. I am tired of feeling attacked for my identity and my lifestyle choices. 

Cheers to my fellow queers and other humans who deal with mental health on a day to day basis. We are worthy of love. We are able. We are strong. 

Today and every day, don’t forget to drink water, take your meds, and call your people (shout out to Tracy from Another Round for introducing me to this sign off).

[ageofeternalliving]

I believe very strongly in starting over.

I have been able to survive in this world because I believe inherently in starting over. I love hitting reset, or going through the process of restarting. It allows me to welcome failure as a friend and not an enemy. It allows me to process the previous chapter, and change actions, or routines, or ways of outreach to reach a different outcome.

I see each sunrise, each new email, each new partnership as a way of starting over.

I have a friend who says my comfort in starting over lets me get away without fully completing tasks or projects or programs. I disagree. I see starting over as a way to reform, to increase my chances of getting further along next time. I do not see retracing my steps, or repeating steps one, two and three to be able to change step four as a waste of time. I see it as a strengthening exercise.

I finally bought new running shoes. And although I have restarted my half marathon training a couple of times due to time lags, each time has increased my stamina. And each ‘do over’ has increased my ability to push my mind to be able to run as well.

Failure and our ability to process and critically think through our choices is a beautiful trait to have.

[ageofeternalliving]

t h e w o r l d i s o n f i r e

What happened in Las Vegas is horrific. What a news item to wake up to. What a way to start a day, with a freshly broken heart.

Gun Control is not a partisan issue. Mental health is not a partisan issue. Until our institutions and our society is able to discuss mental health issues and provide proper unbiased support to those who suffer from mental health issues, we’re going to have to pump up our gun control. 

If you haven’t seen this video, you should watch and donate; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfZvSS_f254

After watching this I am left wondering why this wasn’t the response to the Hurricane destruction in Puerto Rico. Is it because we think we understand people and therefore have someone/something to blame? Because it has a face and there can be explanable justice? Houston is still drying out and even when the city is dry, many will still be dealing with post-hurricane mental health issues. Puerto Rico won’t have any food, or infrastructure for their economy. 

Keep donating to organizations on the ground in Puerto Rico; here https://www.gofundme.com/raise-funds/hurricanemaria or here http://time.com/4964178/how-to-help-puerto-rico-donate-volunteer/

Also, donate to relief funds for Houston: http://noredcross.org/

[ageofeternalliving]

My best friend told me to take care of myself so I did and I will continue to do so.

Her gchat to me at 4:00 pm inspired this lovely evening I’ve had.

I had a long day. I had a meeting at 7:30 am in a city 40 minutes away from my house. I hydroplaned on the way there and that set a tone for the day. I was productive, but I wasn’t excited about my work. I would describe my day as sluggish yet manic. What a combination.

I was still reeling from Saturday night, which I’ll write about at another time. (shout out to N for letting me put words to my emotions)

I complained A LOT to T over gchat today. Instead of telling me to be happy, they told me that I’m doing great (which all things considered I am) and told me to do something for me. So I went for a run. I stretched afterward. I drank some water. I applied a face mask. I took a bath. And I did most of it while listening to Tiny Desk Concerts.

But I want to talk about my run. And why it meant a lot for me to run 3/4 of a mile this evening.

When I was in college, I regularly attended Crossfit classes. I loved lifting heavy weights. I loved my bulky, strong and often sore body. Lifting weights, and drinking with the gym crew was my way of showing my masculinity. And since college, really since my breakup in college I haven’t really taken care of my body. That being said, I have taken care of my mind and my soul.

I am impatient, I am very hard on myself, I suffer from anxiety and depression, so anytime I make a decision I question it over and over. This also means I hate working out. I enjoy immediate responses, and with the body, it takes time.

I am, however, incredibly emotionally intelligent and that is the muscle I have been working since that college breakup. Truly, the most wonderful thing to come out of that relationship. 

I am in a place where I have to, (and am being forced to) finally find balance. I am physically living in a place that does not give me the same access to food as I had in New York. I am surrounded by food that is heavily processed, and deep-fried and what I ingest is starting to affect my mental health. In New York, I was walking at least 4 miles a day, or biking 8 miles a day, and had all day access to fresh greens. A very different lifestyle than what I am adjusting to now. I drive everywhere, and because of my spike of depression due to my move/transition (which I think is normal), I have been eating everything in site. Seriously, one day I ate basically a full bbq’d chicken... not good.

This month, I shall balance. I will run. I will go for walks during lunch, and I will try to get my body back to a place where I feel like it is mine. 

I’m terrified and excited.

[wnq-writers]

Don’t leave me alone at night with my thoughts.

this velvet sky makes it hard to breathe, scribblingaway  (via wnq-writers)

[helloancolie]

A little less stressed than two weeks ago! 😌✨

[ageofeternalliving]

One month in. Doin ok. (at Nebraska)

[ageofeternalliving]

"It is incumbent upon us to be reflective, to be complex, to be subtle, to be nuanced, to take our time in societies which are none of these things and which encourage none of these things. Because after all, there is nothing more critical than to be misaligned with the emotional baseline of any mainstream society. This is a society that encourages everybody to be splenetic. And therefore it's probably valuable, I think it would be an important site of resistance if that was not your first instinct." -Junot Diaz on this weeks episode of On Being. You should listen to it, and then listen to it again.

[melisica]