agraphobic

୨♡୧ trauma blog ୨♡୧ ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ sexual assault survivor ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ *°:⋆ₓₒ 16 ୨୧ ♀ ₓₒ⋆:°* °✧° PTSD/MDD/GAD/PMDD °✧° °✧° dni: MAP, TERF, MGTOW, kink °✧° ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ask about my triggers ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ୨♡୧ green witch ୨♡୧

[userboxer]

[agraphobic]

woohoo I love tearing my fucking skin open because I saw a tiny imperfection on my arm and decided that picking at it wld make it disappear but LOOK WHOS A CLOWN NOW ITS ALL INFLAMED

[cobwebkitten-deactivated2020101]

reblog if you’d like one of these in your inbox

- ask me things you want to know about me

- why you follow me

- what’s on your mind/what you’re thinking about

- a compliment

- make me choose between two things

- ask for advice

- tell me a secret

- things you associate me with

- anything!!!!

[agraphobic]

asky asky!!!

[illectura]

imagine someone actually giving a fuck ?? about your day??? and your feelings?? imagine someone giving a fuck about you ????

[agraphobic]

hey there :) do you wanna talk about your triggers? what triggers you have and how you cope with them? only if you want to, of course. have a nice day 🌺

Thank you for the question! <3

My triggers seem very, very, VERY fucking random with no context. I will be censoring some letters in the triggers I’m naming for my own sanity.

My Triggers:

R*ck and M**ty (tv show; can be triggered via sound, visual, mentions of it, etc)

T*mppab@!ts (stupid fucking music; triggered by seeing it/hearing it being mentioned, hearing the music itself, seeing an album cover)

Cl*ckw*rk 0r*nge (movie; triggered by mentions, reading about it, seeing posters, hearing its name or the story being referenced)

Being cornered in a bathroom/being in a bathroom with another person with the door closed (self-explanatory)

The name J*rd*n (self-explanatory)

the entire month of August, specifically August 28th

DJ K*al*d (mentions, hearing the music [shitty music anyways so I'm not missing out], seeing his face and/or album covers)

certain parts of B*verly H*lls + a specific hotel (being there, it being mentioned, seeing it)

I haven’t found a way to cope. My current default “coping” mechanism is dissociation which is triggered by my fight/flight/freeze reflexes.

To those reading: please don’t use this list of triggers to attack me or purposefully trigger a flashback/breakdown. That would be a really gross and shitty thing to do.

[sanifairbon-bande]

when everything is going fine but suddenly someone says or does something minor and totally unimportant and you burst into intensive emotions and get flashbacks

[agraphobic]

ask me about my triggers PLEASE

[sanifairbon-bande]

when you're getting bad again and wanna contact A Bad Person but apparently you lost their contact info so you just lie to yourself about how you don't even want contact bc you're getting healthy and smarter

[just-words-right]

“Scared step daughter gets fucked while wife sleeps”

24.7 million views, Pornhub

[girlonline]

The porn industry is actually disgusting. And it’s disturbing how easily I was able to stumble upon it (at 11 ffs) and brainwash myself into thinking that that’s normal sexual behavior or something 🤢 it makes people nasty. Like I grew up thinking that fucking assaulting “innocent” young girls was attractive or some shit,, it’s dangerous af not only for creating disgusting men but deluding girls into thinking this is normal sexuality.

[girlonline]

you didn’t love me, you just wanted to be loved. And I didn’t love you, because I just wanted to be loved. so you did whatever you could to forge a connection with me, to get me to love you, but that isn’t love that’s lying. I made excuses after excuses for you and lied to myself, pushed off your abuse so you could love me, but that wasn’t love that was denial. I did what you wanted, sent what you wanted. I know ur dirty vile and disgusting but deep down you’re just lonely. But I won’t be used as ur emotional “pick me up” anymore. And there won’t be any excuses this time

[agraphobic]

fuck.

[masturb4rse]

fuck a sugar daddy, i need a narco boyfriend

[spookytransgirl]

Advice for Triggers/Trauma

People have different sets of traumas and triggers. Some people are triggered by showers. Some by hospitals. Some by certain things like jello or bikes or buttons or certain sounds or many other things.

This is not funny. This is serious. Take these things seriously. 

When someone tells you that this certain thing triggers them or caused them trauma or is part of their trauma. They are trusting you enough to tell you so they make sure you know and can help them when they are dealing with certain things. 

Listen to them. Ask them how to help. Don’t be an asshole and tease them or I and many others will kick you in your fucking teeth.

[agraphobic]

holy shit i cannot stress this enough

[agraphobic]

you were so careful not to leave bruises

you knew exactly what you were doing

so careful not to leave a mark but so insistent 

on handling me roughly and reducing me to nothing

you called me such horrible things that day

“slut” you said

“whore” you said

despite the fact that you forced your grimy hands on me

you FORCED ME TO DO EVERYTHING

FUCK YOU

I HATE YOU

[girlonline]

don’t underestimate online trauma. I think there’s just a certain shame and self hatred in feeling like you could’ve “easily stopped” ur experience before it happened (“you should’ve just blocked them?? you weren’t safe enough online”..”you didn’t report them??”) it makes me feel disgusting feeling like it’s all my fault. I did disgusting things , i took pictures and videos and sent them, i logged on and talked to you for hours each night... I think, I wasn’t forcibly pinned down or threatened with violence.. but it’s those kinda thoughts, feeling unjustified, is what fucks me up the most. Sometimes I just wish I was held down, and physically forced, so I could just say.. that wasn’t me.,, there was nothing I could have done.. instead of feeling like that naive slut who got herself in too deep.

[attainablerecovery]

"Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves."

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

[dognightmqre]

for a long time, i missed who i was before the trauma. i hoped and pleaded one day i would magically "be me again". but that day never came.

i wanted me back. the me i thought i was. but who i am changed since then, and that's okay. at the time it hurt so bad to realize id never be the same. i just want to give younger me a hug, and tell myself its not my fault and that what happened to me doesn't make me broken. different =/= broken. it still hurts.. but ive gotten stronger, for better or for worse, and ill do everything in my power to make sure we dont get hurt again.

i want to speak to all of the versions of myself. the ones i hardly remember. age 9-10, when the trauma began, being exposed to nsfw content long before i should've been. 11, where i spent so much time being used for sexual purposes online by people much older than me. age 12, desperate for love and approval, i was in a toxic relationship with someone who stalked me and cut me off from my friends, but it turned out they were the wrong crowd who ended up retraumatizing me a lot anyway. as well as this, i had my only occurrence of physical contact csa. 13, where i went through an all too familiar process of being stalked, insulted, and bullied, but this time by a friend and not a partner.

and now, remembering everything and realizing how horrible it really was. sometimes i wonder if id be better off never realizing, but staying oblivious to how awful everything really was. i was in less pain, but so much more vulnerable. i didnt know it, but it still hurt me deep down.

now, looking back on everything.. would i change it all to be who i was before the trauma? i dont know. but im able to love myself as i am now, and not dwell on who i used to be. i think ill be okay.

[agraphobic]

i feel like im reading my own story and that scares me

this shouldn’t be common

[fucktdoll]

[agraphobic]

just throw me out

i often feel like im used goods

[agraphobic]

i just found the nccsa community

i’ve been blaming myself all this time

i’ve felt so alone all this time

and im just now seeing that there are others like me...

with this addictive and traumatic cycle...

i finally feel understood

i finally realize why it’s so triggering to think about

the downside is i now realize that i had a 2nd ongoing traumatic experience from the age of 8 to 16... plus the physical contact traumatic experience i had at 14

why do i feel like i shouldnt be allowed to be angry