#nccsa vent

[b0necollect0r]

[mandelbrot-polycoria]

i hate knowing so many men saw all of me

i hate not knowing if any of them still have those pictures

i hate knowing they’ve seen my face

i hate thinking about what they wanted to do to me

i hate the fact that they affirmed me

i hate that they were some of the only people who found me attractive in that way

i hate not knowing if they’re still trying to find me

i hate knowing they know where i live

i hate knowing they wanted to come and see me in person

i hate looking at myself knowing all those men have seen it all

[4n93lpuk3]

i turn twenty-one soon and it feels like my world is about to end. what good am i if my aging body is no longer soft enough to be ogled or fawned over by older men? now i'm just worthless.

[csaventing]

I CAN'T GO THROUGH ANOTHER REPEAT OF IT NOT AGAIN PLEASE LET ME REST

[scrimple]

Pictures of me as a child still exist on the internet and within the hands of the men who took advantage of my innocence.

I will never know for certain whether he deleted them or not when I asked. I doubt he respected me enough for it, my body was what he loved about me anyways. I will never be more than my body.

[cloudyskves]

you made me hate the body I was learning to love. I want nothing to do with this body anymore. Knowing that you have seen it and knowing what you've done after you've seen my body, it d i s g u s t s me. I w a n t m y o l d b o d y b a c k

[b0necollect0r]

[dancing-daffodils]

I look back at that one time in my life.

When I was eleven, logging onto social media for the first time.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back. To submerge myself back in that horrible situation. To make it so, so much worse.

Sometimes I try to replicate it, messaging older individuals on purpose. perhaps as some sort of fucked up retraumitization tactic.

Maybe I just want the validity of it. I wasn't groomed, but I could have been. Was I not good enough for it? Did she just not notice?

Did she not know it was inappropriate, or did she just not care?

I want to go back

I want to make it worse.

I miss her, still. Miss the way we would chat with our friends and talk about silly fandom stuff.

Miss how she would treat us like adults (yet still speak down to us like kids).

The arguments gave me something to be mad at. An excuse to be angry.

I miss her still, even now.