So tonight my hatred burns at the sky with the force of a thousand shattered pieces. Hope for what could have been lends me only to my weakness as I walk the line of grateful And defeated I can't change this thing But baby, we can beat this And,I'd never want to not know your name So how do I perceive this Cause I can't feel my throat When I try to speak this The thousands of empty halls Waiting for our meetings Oh baby, we are gonna meet them And every hunger call Will try and teach u That, that's the fire that will lead u.. That your strength is from u. The distant sound of monitor calls And nicu nurses words repeating. Oncologist, nutritionist Speech Therapist. Neuro, ortho's, geneticist. And this is just the first taste Of what we need And how we treat this All curse the sky But I won't let u see the piece Cause in my eyes Your still everything I needed But my soul breaks knowing That your life will never be easy And I'm sorry that I can only provide what it is your needing. And may you not hate me for the thing that you're not eating.. And may we teach u peace of mind And a way to fight this feeling! —_--- So I'm gonna journal and I think above is as close to a poem as my brain will allow So this week I got the chromosome test confirming that my son will have a life long health issue called Prader-Willi syndrome.. this week I also meet a man who lost his baby, and boy does that humble me completely.. I get to bring my boy home So feeling sad for what he's facing seems so unfair when I'm so blessed he's breathing. God and the weight of the world And Of life when it's only ever fleeting Seems that much harder to comprehend tonight And I'm so at a lost trying to find her reason.. There's so much cruelty in the chaos that is life And keeping a positive mindset is so much harder then I'd like to admit My body's been in shock The first time anxietys really plagued to me to any real degree and man it was fucking crazy.. my face went numb. Is somewhat still but meditation helped a little.. There I was trying to be all cognitive and trying to learn and hold a good demeanor and cope properly and my face is cold and awkward for days. I've never had that physical a response to emotions. And fuck I'm so happy to see him thrive I just wish I knew where this road leads And how to make sure I can make it easier
