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Me trying to explain opiate withdrawal to my friends and family
““I love my drugs. And they love me. They’re going to bury me. And guess what? I’m okay with it.””
— - Charlie Cruz from Nurse Jackie
“Yeah she chose to get high but she did NOT choose the years of being sick, suffering and suicidal.. a miserable existence with no escape, no control, wanting to stop but being unable to. She didn’t choose to be this way. She just wanted to get fucked up on drugs but her life got more fucked up than she did. Her choices stopped after the first decision she had made to pick up a drug.. addiction had taken over and broken the girl she once was.”
— excerpt from my journal 11/16/18
“Using drugs is my passive way of being suicidal. I want to die but i am often too scared to make the attempt. so instead I engage in self destructive behaviors like getting high. I’m very aware that if I don’t stop the drugs will kill me one day. Part of me wishes that day would come soon, while the other smaller part wants me to live.”
— excerpt from my journal 4-5-19
Drugs had become my whole life. Everything I did was related to my addiction. I’m now learning how to live, not to just exist. Existing isn’t enough for me anymore. I want to survive and thrive in my recovery and to have all the opportunities that drugs stole from me. A life where I make my choices, not my addiction making it for me.
Excerpt from my journal 2-25-19
Isaiah Rashad - Heavenly Father
“Drugs fucked my life up more than they got me fucked up.”
— excerpt from my journal 4-6-19
To the loved ones of addicts… We don’t mean to hurt you, our addiction doesn’t care about us or our loved ones. It kills us that we cause you pain and we wish we didn’t. Addiction is such an insidious disease that we often can’t stop using even though it’s affecting others around us negatively. We love you.
“The mentality and behavior of drug addicts and alcoholics is wholly irrational until you understand that they are completely powerless over their addiction and unless they have structured help, they have no hope.”
— Russell Brand
Why I always want to quit then use again....
“I’m miserable when I’m high because I’m using and I know it’s wrong; I’m miserable when I’m clean because I’m not high and it feels wrong.”
I’m addicted to the drugs and the lifestyle that they bring. The copping, the mixing, the using, the rushes, dangers, and destructions.
Excerpt from my journal
“She is so much more than her addiction and I wish that she could see that”
— excerpt from my journal august 22nd 2018
“Not lookin for love just looking for drugs”
—
“I’m not afraid of dying. But to live the rest of my life without drugs? That absolutely terrifies me.”
— Journal entry 7/26/16
How to ruin your life 101:
Do drugs every fucking day and wake up feeling like a piece of shit for it but keep doing it.
⚰️⚰️⚰️💀💀💀