Happy Fathers Day: A note to my father...
Today is fathers day, I woke up and started sending a text to you, but i didn’t press send…not yet.
I went onto Instagram and Facebook and soon saw that all of my friends were posting cute little notes about their fathers along with pictures of them having a great time.
I wanted people to see that I had a great dad too.
I started shuffling through old pictures to put a tbt up or something but i quickly realized that I had used that picture already last year or that picture for your birthday. I soon quickly realized that i was getting frustrated. Not because of the lack of cute pictures I had of us, but because that it was all that I had of us…just cute baby pictures.
I realized that my friends had been saying that their fathers were their “role models” and “inspirations” and were always there when they needed it. They had pictures of them at parties along side them, when they were at the peek of their maturity. Thats when I realized, I don’t have a dad to be proud of like they do.
I know you’ve done so much for me and you’ve given up everything for me so that I can have a good future, but thats the thing,
You lost sight of what was really important. You lost sight of love, and why you chased that money in the first place. Yes you supported me financially, but I never got the support from you that I needed as a daughter. I realized that I never looked at you as a “role model” or an “inspiration”. In fact, I looked at you as a perfect example about what not to be. I realized through you that I don’t want the money. You taught me that it was what i needed and that "it will kill you if you don’t got it" as you'd say. But that’s the thing. If Im happy, money always comes second. Thats what I care about most…
And there isn’t a damn thing you can teach me about that.
You can teach me about the world and how cruel it is
You can teach me how money devours good men like you and leave behind monsters that are ruthless and unrecognizable from those that we once grew to love.
you can teach me that love doesn’t mean a thing if it comes at the price of losing money.
You can teach me all of this,
but don’t you ever think about trying to teach me about what happiness truly is,
you have no idea what that is.
Because if our family couldn’t give you happiness
then you aren’t really a father at all.
You didn’t come to my volley ball games
the list is a haunting memory that even if you somehow manage to change will never get done
not that you would change
But even if you did, there is no way to go back in time.
As much as you somehow persuaded yourself that i didn’t
And now that I am all grown up,
no longer your sweet little girl,
the only thing that you can give me
is the very thing that you thought was every thing in our relation ship…
I don’t want your daddy love anymore.
If you weren’t willing to give it to me, then so be it.
I have finally convinced myself that I don’t need a “number one dad"
So I guess those girls on Facebook and instagram with their “best dad’s in the world” are really lucky. They have someone to say happy fathers day too.
Thanks for the financial support dad. Thanks for all the trouble you went through for me to get that money. You can’t change the fact that every time I look at you , all i see is a bank. You can’t help change the fact that every time you look at me, I feel all you see is a bottom of a receipt.
and I’m sorry, but you and I both know thats all we will ever be to one another.
I look at my phone and see the long text filled with flowery writing about how I’m so happy to have a father like you and that you are the best dad in the world.
Happy fathers day. I hope you are happy.
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