Myinsanehobby

Just me trying to figure me out.

[akrisgirl]

Knowing your mind

Does anyone else ever question their own minds? Do you ever reach a point that you start to question what you “know” and what you have just “told yourself” is true?

I remember looking at short videos of easy do-at-home exercises that are meant to turn your world around. But every time I would watch one of these videos I would tell myself “I’m too big to do that” or “I’m not flexible enough to do that one”. But then my best friend moved in with me and promised to get me up and moving. And it worked. We started working out five days a week,and no matter how hard it was or what task there was, she always helped me through them.

I should say that she was at a much higher level, health wise, than me. At this point in our lives she had finished a full marathon and several Spartan races as well. So when she said “I’ll help you” I jumped at the chance.

We have been doing this for almost three weeks now and I am astonished at the changes in myself. Not even all the changes in my weight or waist size, but also all the things I am able to accomplish. Inchworms, burpees, and even doing a standard push-up. I never thought I would be capable of any of these things.

So it makes me question my own mind sometimes. What else can I accomplish? What else have I been keeping myself from doing, only because I have told myself that I was not capable of doing what I wanted. I have gone back to school at thirty, something I never thought was possible. So if I can do something that I never thought was intellectually possible, why can I not do something that I believed was physically impossible?

I have a goal in mind and I am a third of a way there. Over the next two months I will reach the goal I have in my mind. If I can convince myself that I am not capable of something how much harder can it be to convince myself that I can do something?

[akrisgirl]

Being a woman

I have not really had to deal with this for the last few years, but I was shockingly reminded of what it is like to be a woman in this day and age. For the last few hundred years women have been making great strides to be considered equal and “just as good” as men. Please excuse the bad grammar. I do believe in feminism, but I believe its definition is “ a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes”. Somewhere along the line came the belief that a feminist believes that women are somehow better than men and that we want to be treated as such. This is a misconception. I don’t believe I am any better because I am female. I do believe I am better for other reasons, but not because I am female.

But back to the point.

My best friend is embarking on the great adventure of trying to find companionship and compassion as a young woman. Maybe not a forever relationship, but enough to give oneself the comfort of someone to talk to, vent to, argue with, and make up with. She has had the courage to put herself out there and while there has been some nice guys the majority have been, for lack of a better term, fuck boys.

I have been with my significant other for almost six years and my brain has decided to block out all the blatant sexual advances, insults to my intelligence, and the ones who are ready to jump into a long term committed relationship after our very first contact. Unfortunately, my best friend is going through all that right now. Everything I just mentioned, plus being asked if she is transgendered and being told she is a whore because she just was not into him.

I do not understand this. Why is it alright to talk to anyone like that? Why is it alright to belittle someone behind the safety of a keyboard and a computer screen? What makes people want to jump into a relationship based just off of a profile picture? Is “Netflix and chill” the new dinner and a movie?

A little advice from a woman who is in a stable, loving, and exciting relationship. Ask us out. Take us to your favorite hangout where the waitstaff knows your regular order. Show us your hobbies. Take us on a hike and then out for a burger and a beer at your favorite brewery. A meal where you pull our chair out for us and then ask about who we are as people. That is what excites us now. That is the way to get us to look at you and want to spend more time with you. Just “hanging out” at your house is not the way to get to our hearts, and in fact it even bores us a little.

I titled this “Being a woman” because I do not believe that men usually go through most of this. Sure there is a couple of psychos and stage five clingers, but women seem to run the gauntlet of awful when it comes to men and especially when it comes to online dating. I feel for all the men who have to go through any of these thing when trying to find a female online, but I can empathize and remember what it is like to be a female online. To think that someone is interested in you only to find out that all he is interested in is a little “slap and tickle”.

I do not want to sound like this is bashing men. There is very good men out there. I know plenty of them, both single and married. But for every one of them there seems to be ten out there that just run their mouths to get what they want, then turn a 180 and turn into ass-hats. So even though this is about being a woman I hope men read this and understand what I am trying to get across. Thank you for reading and have a nice day.

[akrisgirl]

What Happened?

I think I must have missed it. The slow build and change in the world. I don’t remember it from when I was a child in the 90′s but I might have been too involved in my small world of school then. I remember growing up in the bay area and never worrying about race or flags or anything like that. I didn’t worry about that because it made no difference on my life.

I still don’t worry about them. For the same reason; they still don’t make a difference in my life. I’m not worried about a reasonable person in my life seeing a Rebel flag and turning into a mad killer bent on white power domination. I don’t think owning a gun will make you go out and shoot anyone that rubs me wrong on that day. I also think that trying to hide our past of slave ownership and moonshine running and shady business deals that built this country will only have us repeating all our mistakes. Wasn’t that a saying at one point? “To forget the past is to repeat it”. We as a country have been through some really screwed up shit. We have been through wars and famine, droughts and floods, swarms and riots. If we try to cover up all the bad things that happened in the past then we also take away all the struggles we have overcome. I don’t want to forget our past. I want to embrace it. I want everyone to be proud of who we are as a people. Stop apologizing. Stop hiding. I am American, I am proud, I am ethnic, I am female and I will not ashamed of any of that.

[akrisgirl]

Still Upset

I find myself still upset with something. I keep thinking back to the day at MJC with that Russian couple. I like the fact that they are going and doing. But I don’t like the fact when people come to this country we make “certain” allowances for them. When they go to the immigration office or the DMV they are given tests and forms in their own language. I believe that there is even driving instructors who are bilingual. Because we make these accommodations it doesn’t seem so strange that they don’t learn English. But then not every establishment offers this. Every once and a while you HAVE TO KNOW ENGLISH. Taking college exams, going to court and even ordering food at a fast food restaurant. But when our government offices cater to people it gives a false sense of security. If I were to go to a foreign country, to live for a long extended period of time, maybe forever, I would learn the language. If for no other reason then to cover my ass. You never know when you’re going to run across shady people. People that may take advantage of the fact you don’t know the language or the proper cultures. I get so frustrated when I try to explain or converse with someone and there is this huge barrier of language between us. I know all these people come here looking for a new life or a fresh start. But please learn the language. Make it not only easier on everyone around you but yourselves as well.

[akrisgirl]

Assessment

So I went today to take my college assessment test. It tells me where I should be placed when I want to start college in the fall. It was one of the most nerve wracking things I have ever done. Mostly because there was a Russian couple there who was also taking their tests. The only problem was that one of them spoke very poor english while the other one spoke none. Oh I forgot to mention they also didn’t have the proper I.D.s but kept telling the nice lady at the desk “That’s OK”. I spent the next hour and twenty minutes completely focused on my test. I bombed the math portion of the test but I expected that. All through high school I never had a proper math teacher then I quit when I was fifteen to start working. So it has been about fourteen years since I have had to anything algebraic. The English and Reading Comprehension were much easier and I am seriously thinking of going for a English degree as my major. I have an appointment with a counselor and we will be discussion my options. It also has occurred to me that it will take significantly longer than I thought it would to complete this endeavor. I just wanted to go and take a computer course to help me at work. I’m probably not going to be able to take that until the next fall semester. That is a commitment I was not expecting but I don’t mind it.

[akrisgirl]

Mothers Day and Lane Bryant

I have had the weirdest day. It started off with a blood test for my thyroid levels. I know I’ll have to take these pills for the rest of my life but the tests drive me nuts. I hate needles with a passion. I hate needles more than spiders and I’ve been known to move out of establishments with too many spiders. But that was quick so, eh. Then we decided to go to the mall and do some shopping. That resulted in me having a complete panic attack in the middle of Lane Bryant over the price of shirts. As a matter of fact it was two shirts equaling about fifty dollars. On sale. Total and complete breakdown at the counter. I had to leave the store. Why is it so much? Why is it since I need more fabric I need to spend more? Torrid, Lane Bryant and Avenue are all the same. It is made for curvy women but they know we are stuck paying for clothes that actually fit and flatter us so we will pay whatever they want. And because I can’t afford that I end up going to the thrift store and buying someones hand me downs. Those never fit right so I don’t feel attractive. It is a vicious cycle of shopping optimism followed by monetary restrictions followed by sadness and finished up with regretting going shopping in the first place.

And on top of it all today is Mother Day. I didn’t expect it to go well and yet it went great. I messaged my sister with some honest feelings for her and my mom and the response was amazing to see. We don’t always get along but we are getting to know each other as people as well as family and that helps. A lot of people forget that part. Just because they are related to you doesn’t mean they are going to people that you like. Besides relationships with mothers will always be complicated. They are people who you are suppose to fear and love and respect and learn from and use as your example in the world. That is a lot to put on one person. What if their just bad at that? 

I was lucky. I was raised by a woman who would go without so her children could have. I am who I am today because of her and I do believe I am pretty awesome. So Happy Mothers Day to all moms but especially my mom and sister. The two women in my life who influence and put me in awe of their parenting skills. They are better and stronger women than I could ever be in that department.

[akrisgirl]

The Beginning

I don’t know how to start this. I’m sure that a lot of people have said that.

I’ve always had this great dream of being a writer and I guess this as good a place as any to start. I have never finished any of the big projects I’ve started but having a blog doesn’t seem like one I can mess up. I love writing and putting my ideas on paper. I have always felt that I was boring though. Who would want to see my words or pay attention to anything I have to say. And then there is the other part. What if I put my true thoughts out there and say how I really feel? Will I offend people? Will I lose friends? Or the most important question; will I change peoples opinions of me for the worst? And I am truthful enough to myself to know that how other people think of me affects me. It can influence how I dress, how I do my hair and even what pictures I do or do not post to social media.

I guess to put yourself out there you have to be ready to be judged.