I remember.
I know you do too, but I remember everything.
I remember the first ever conversation we had, about scripts. I knew before that point that I was intrigued by you. The first text conversation we had you told me about your girlfriend and then proceeded to tell me you were hard, unprompted. I wonder what she would have thought? You told me I wasn't like other girls you had met, that I was different and you were obsessed with me.
I remember how we became so close, so fast. That was the first red flag. I dumbed myself down around you so you could feel big, and you ate it up. I endorsed and fed your addictions and that's on me, but you introduced me to a whole new world of smoking, drinking, getting high and sex, we were 14. I was willing to do anything for you, but I was just a distraction from your ex.
I remember that you didn't tell me when you got back with her, she deserved more than that. I deserved more than that. I shouldn't have had to find out because you were distancing yourself and I thought I did something to upset you.
I remember how I went off the rails, I gave myself serotonin syndrome after overdosing on antidepressants; hoping it would make the, crushing, gnawing sadness I felt deep in my chest go away. It didn't.
I remember the things you said about me, and that sinking feeling I got in my chest after I saw your name pop up in my notifications after 2 or so months of no contact. How fucking dare you?! After everything you did you think you have the right to message me and act like nothing happened?!
And yet I respond every time, and never say my true feelings about you. because after everything I fucking hate you, but I love you. I want you more than anything I've ever wanted before, and yet the idea of dating you is my worst nightmare. At the end of the day, I'm just so desperate for any sort of attention or validation that I'll degrade myself time and time again by crawling back to you. I'll love and hate you and want and reject you time and time again because i remember everything.
