she shrimp on my scamp till I pee

fuck man I'm hardly active anymore. anyway I'm Aldrin, he/him 22, this is really just a "fandom of the hour" account now

[sp0ng3art]

sometimes i see those acorns with little holes in them from acorn weevil larvae and i think, man... what if there was a little house in there actually. a little bug bungalow. a buggalow if you will

[atrenchcoatfilledwithbees]

“I asked ChatGPT —”

Okay well I asked the picture of Michael Jackson in my pocket and he told me to get the fries with my burger soooo

[lesbiangiratina]

Youre always so kind and gentle with me olive garden

[copepods]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[copepods]

@holyknuckled you get it. lterally what are we here on earth for if not to occasionally impose gastropods upon unsuspecting customers. this story is delightful

[lintubintu]

@holyknuckled like that?

[holyknuckled]

oh? my god???

yeah, Exactly like that

[ladyofthebookcase]

i love echolalia so much i truly do but i am so sadly limited by the range of my human voice. i wanna mimic cars and kettles and microwave beeps and chirping birds and computer keys and rushing water. making cat noises isn’t enough i wanna sound like a fucking synth.

[ladyofthebookcase]

every time this post gets another round of notes i have two reactions simultaneously

(slash jay, i find the lyrebird thing funny more than anything else)

[the-haiku-bot]

(slash jay, i find the

lyrebird thing funny more

than anything else)

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[badsciencejokes]

Dude has a death wish

[vergess]

Delighted to announce this bird is real and is a corvid.

Truly the family that just keeps giving.

[haropla]

I haven’t seen it in the notes yet, so afaik, here’s the source of that video! So now you can see the funny poison bird much more clearly.

It was taken by a biologist that studies birds so it seems like he knows what he’s doing. For the most part. Here’s his caption:

[krystal-prisms]

You all know that he 100% licked his fingers after handling that bird

[totally-original-artist]

[openworldadventurer]

[nerdlingwrites]

I can’t leave this in the tags, I’m sorry.

[serial-kissing]

who up pushing their boulder

[milfmaekar]

Who's up watching their boulder roll down again

[shamebats]

[shamebats]

[miiilowo]

you lost yourself to the woke agenda. Stop being a trans man and go back to a cis man

I don't know what to add in response to this ask it's perfect on it's own. I don't want to soil it

[i-am-a-fish]

you know what? that's it.

I'm preheating my oven to 400° f, AND I'm lining a baking sheet with aluminum foil

you're really in for it now, buster.

I'm stirring up some butter, olive oil, parsley, and yeah, I'm adding minced garlic too.

I'm slathering you in this.

now I'm gonna put you in the oven for 25 to 30 minutes

you are so DONE FOR

[molabuddy]

recently when im tempted to say 'i'm gonna kill myself' i try to correct it into saying "im gonna walk into the river and become a trout" or some other form of that. this is my new thing

[mcaelius]

dude your poem fucking bit me

[spitblaze]

#dude your dog is thought-provoking and beautiful

[redpandarascal]

I thought it would be an hour of listening to screaming and looking at pictures of draculas, but it was so much for frightening than fathomed

[elamimax]

Kingin respects boymode transfem peter parker's gender identity

[duchessvongooseberg]

[elamimax]

perfect addition, no notes

[millenianthemums]

diet culture people make me feel like i’m going crazy. you want me to take an experimental pill that destroys my appetite?? you want me to remove part of my stomach??? you want me to stop eating bread and rice, two of the staple foods most inherent to humanity????? why exactly? because my stomach is big? because you don’t like the way i look, and you think it’s reasonable to tell me to carve pieces off of myself and try random drugs and ruin my own life so i can look more visually pleasing to you? and you somehow don’t see how absurdly cruel and selfish that is to ask of somebody???? while pretending you care about their HEALTH????????????????? FUCK YOU!!!!

[symphonysiren]

Another Hozier for these trying times