June 4th Diaries - what a devilish day looks like
7:00am I wake up at an acceptable time, not too miserably early. I could, though, that is an option. For a while, I shot up at 6am every morning, a bit career obsessed and I did get to work, I believe. I peed a lot.
7:55am I feel I have to stay very, very still. I'm the one who gets fed first. That’s a lie, Wylie eats first, but my point is I am my own circulating sun - I’ve not caught any plants, just comets..space debris. Now is the time, focus.
To quote Bruce Springsteen: “Maybe you got a kid, maybe you got a pretty wife. I only thing that I got - been bothering me my whole life”
8:20am Time to drink myself into oblivion aka get paralyzed by the feedback loop, fail to output coffee’s pouring. This is good. First off, it shows I have a hell of a lot of freedom. Second, it show I don’t fucking want this. That is the addict's favorite subconscious brand of suffering. Wanting. Freedom. Wanting freedom. We don’t know it just comes in a completely different form. Addiction is, by definition, having pain and pleasure confused.
8:33am I can feel myself achieving higher consciousness. That is because I’ve been staring into my tree, letting the morning sun enhance the sun spot I noticed forming on my temple. My notebook is sitting on the bench with me. I’m casually glancing down at it to help me feel an ease off of pressure. I think it’s working, I think I am feeling this coffee for once.
9:00am Every morning, it is important that you slip out of your pajamas into your sweats. In rehab, that concept pissed me off, it was a rule even, but all they had to explain was something like “you will carry sleeps energy into the day if you stay in those clothes”. I guess I didn’t have shit to do back then, nothing to wake up to anyway. I've been wanting to start saying Hi to myself every morning, writing in self consolation. Whenever I catch myself finding that impossible I think of the ipod touch I acquired to type notes into every night as a teen. My first safe place to write, though I ended up losing it and had an outrageous paranoia that someone would guess the four digit password and see the sick obsession.
9:45am Now, the hour hits on the unknown where I must fling myself into something ecstatically bound as I stand next to many possible futures. It is usually a self soothing scroll that helps me lose my mind.
10:15am I have successfully made 3 phone calls. It is insane that I get to prank call people everyday for a living. It took me two years to not feel a full on vibrating panic every time the phone started ringing. The shaky fat finger punches into a delicate touch screen. Now I know that no body is as self important as their title may seem , they don’t get to be that to me.
11:40am I’ve successfully turned my day around and now I will delete my app. Redownload. Delete again. Maybe ponder on my once complete inability to focus without drugs. Maybe keep feeling like I’m not doing enough.
izzy806
vaporwave
amandla
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ellievsbear
