Our Puzzling Life

I am a SAHM with two boys. My oldest is 6.5yo and my youngest is 5.5yo. Both are high functioning Autistic. it has been a long road. But I wouldn't change it for anything. They are the light of my life.

[aleahmcdonald]

You can do anything - Barbie

re has been an argument for years that Barbie teaches girls that they can do anything. This is also the theme of their new Barbie Ad campaign.  Well I guess I should say this is their claim. Let me tell you as a girl raised on Barbie this not not what I got from playing with her. I also find it hard to believe that girls would get this from her either. . 

Let me tell you what I felt about my Barbies. Even as a child I found unrealistic. Her body looked tiny, frail and malnourished. I remember trying to feed her. As for her many outfits. I never once thought for once these where outfits she had because she had accomplished these things. I assumed she bought them... A long with her beach house, her jeep, her horses, her corvette, and her townhouse with a working elevator. 

Seriously? That is insane... 

I call BS on Mattel and they ploy to make Barbie normal. Total BS. 

She teaches money buys happiness. Material things are good and needed. She also taught a little girl with glasses, leg braces who has CP and is a quarter East Indian with dark skin ect that there is something wrong with me. 

Kids know what they live. Their toys are a large part of that.   

You want to make Barbie real??? give her stretch marks. Big bags under her arms and floppy skin.... that would help. You want her to seem more real then make her more realistic. 

[aleahmcdonald]

Rant-ish

Ok so I know I have not been on here in forever and a day..... I will try to get better about that. And now on to the rant....

In two different ASD Parenting groups I am in in one week two Moms wrote the same type of post... How they are sure it is their fault that their child has autism. That they are positive that they did something to cause this in their child.... Yep I am dragging out my soap box..... Centering it..... ready? Ok then...

Listen here buttercup. We ALL have days where we feel like we can not put one foot in front of the other. That we can not handle one more meltdown or one more freak out from the damn teacher. When we all reach our limit. We all have those days..... Frankly I had one today.....

We have two boys with autism. I have talked to and had appts with some of the best genetics teams in the US. I had one specialist take my hand and tell me... Without a doubt there is nothing I did or didn’t do to cause my kids autism. It is not something a parent can induce. NO ONE knows the cause of autism. NO ONE.  The brightest minds in genetics and bio-medicine. NO ONE has that answer. 

I hate junk food with my oldest and drank a ton of water. He is HF ASD. My youngest I home cooked everything it was nearly all organic and clean. I drank plenty of water I did whatever the MD ask of me.... Even with a careful diet ect my youngest is Severely autistic and non verbal. 

It is what it is..... But listen here buttercup.... Take you moment lock the door and have a good cry. Scream into your pillow whatever you need. Then GET YOUR ASS UP. Because your child needs you NOW. Not 3 years from now when you adjust but NOW. This is not about you and your damn pity party!!! This is about the well-being of your child. The choices you make right now will have LONG TERM effects on them. 

So get up put your chin up and get on with it. 

[savetheshay]

In which I bitch about my husband.

Yeah, sure.

Kid had a bad day at school and didn’t do his work.

Let’s yell at him and get him all worked up and borderline hysterical. Then you can get pissed off that he still won’t do his work for you. After that you can yell at me for not making him do his work and cut me off when I try to explain that I am also frustrated with him and feel it would be better for everyone involved if we all had a chance to calm down first.

Then you can ask why I’m yelling as I talk over you to finish what I’m saying because people cut me off all motherfucking day and you KNOW how much I goddamn hate it.

Then you go ahead and imply I’m a lazy and uninvolved parent because I understand how he processes and what he will and won’t be capable of if everyone is upset at the same time. Sure. That will make you look like the good guy in my eyes.

Fuck you.

[aleahmcdonald]

You will always have a better understanding of Monster... You are his Mom. Stand your ground. I love you. 

[aleahmcdonald]

to much

I have had to much going on for the last week. My Uncle and his room mate both passed a week ago in a house fire. During trying to get this worked out so my Uncle can properly be put to rest.... I find that my Dad has been behaving in very odd for at least the last two years..... The whole thing is just breaking my heart. I am so sad... so heart broke that my whole body is racked with pain,

I feel lost.... and heart broke. But there is nothing I can do.  He doesn’t want anything to do with me.

I find myself isolating..... feeling really down..... I just want to sleep. 

[aleahmcdonald]

family?

So before I go to far in this.... know that my Mom was mentally ill. To what degree we are a bit unclear. She was diagnosed with MPD multiple personality disorder.  at then end of her life she was paranoid.... But that had a lot to do with her meds..... 

So here we go...... let me tell you a story about my Mom as a young Mother. 

She was married at 17yo. My brother was a honeymoon baby.....

Not to long after she had a girl she named Julie Kay..... Julie was born with CF (cystic fibrosis) and died at 2.5yo.... When she died my Mom was 7m pregnant with my second sister Angela. She lived 3 days and died due to birth defects. She was cremated at the hospital. 

My brother has spent years doing family research. He has never found a birth or death certificate for Julie.  We have also never found a grave site either. 

Also.... No family member on my bio-dads side remembers Julie but they do remember Angela..

I have also have only seen one photo of Julie. She was in gender neutral clothes..... She looks fat and happy. How is that possible for a baby who was so medically fragile?  

On a side note.... Like I said before she had CF. I have a son with medical needs.... When he was little we did our best to give a full family medical work up. I was tested for the CF gene. My brother was as well when he had his daughter. We both tested negative which is not medically possible. If we had a sibling with CF one of us would carry the gene. 

So this leads to two strange possibilities:::

1.  She was never born and it was some sick story my Mom made up for attention..... And kept going for decades....

2. She was given up and put into a facility. Which would have been common for a medically fragile baby at the time. 

So how do you find a ghost?? 

[aleahmcdonald]

Change

My Husband and I moved last year to Wisconsin.

Since moving.... I have not had a therapist at all.  I have realized I need to get on it and find someone..... It is so hard for me to go in and bare my soul to someone.....  We don’t need anymore medical bills. But my anxiety is eating me alive and I find myself in tears half the time. 

I need help learning how to deal with my stress and anxiety levels. My stress level is not likely to improve anytime soon.....

[aleahmcdonald]

Well crap

You know it is truly interesting to me what I can spend at time DAYS listening to my friends unload about their life worries their relationships whatever..... But when I need someone I am met with silence. 

[aleahmcdonald]

Next week

Look at me with TWO lunch dates next week..... Wowsers I am getting a social life people!

[aleahmcdonald]

tired and lonely

We are nearing our summer break. We have had a great one too!!!

I am so tired of being lonely. Even other Spectrum parents are stand off-ish.  WTH we are all in the same boat.... why not have company while we are a long for this crazy ride. 

[aleahmcdonald]

it just hurts

My friend went into the MD yesterday. She was given an open prescription for Pedisone, Albutrol, and Epi-Pens. She was also placed on water pills she is also now on a O2 for home and she will get her own pulse ox machine for home.

The MD noticed from across the room noticed that her lungs where in spasms across the room. 

So let me give you the run down..... She is slowly suffocating.  I know all of this because these are the same meds my Mom was on. My Mom had COPD and Enphasima.  

I am terrified. I know how this will go down. I have lived this before.... O am truly heart broke. I am trying to be a good supportive friend.... But lets be honest we both know how this is going to end. 

It just hurts. I am not ready for ths 

[aleahmcdonald]

No Shaming Zone

In case you are unaware of this I have two boys 7 and 8 who are both on the Autism Spectrum..... My 7yo I knew was going to be my last so I loved him right up. He was able to breastfeed, we co-slept and as I did with my oldest we did baby wearing. 

Due to this parenting style my youngest who is more severe on the spectrum sees me and his security object. When he is stressed over stimulated or whatever he climbs on my lap. I am who he goes to when he needs to feel safe. 

I realize that as he get older he will still most likely outgrow this.... So I enjoy it while it last. Some days his need is a bit excessive..... but that just means his needs are greater at that moment. 

Understand I know people who’s kids run away from them when they are stressed. Most unaware that they could be running into danger. So really it is ok. At least I know what he will do.  

So some people in our lives have started shaming him for sitting in my lap so often and for so long. 

Really? 

If you want to help come over so he can sit with you and get that need met while I scrub something. But for Pete sake I don’t see where shaming helps anything.  

[aleahmcdonald]

So damn tired

Of being lonely. 

We moved just a little over a year here and I have had a hard time maintaining any real friendships. The boys school is an hour one way on the bus to get there and volunteer. 

The community garden just opened a few weeks ago and everytime I have gone down there it is empty. 

I am going to send out birthday invites for both boys this year to their classmates.... I guess we will see what comes of that. 

All my friends are either in Portland or in California. 

On top of it one of my better friend contacted me on FB to tell me she is unfriending me because I post to much stuff.... given the fact she NEVER calls me and says she wants to see the boys but then refuses to come out.... I guess that is that. I’m trying really hard not to have hurt feeling but it isn’t working out.... 

[aleahmcdonald]

Things Wisconsin is so proud of

They all talk about their cheese their mirco-beers and their summerfest.... 

Ok people..... I hate to rain on your parade..... But I am from Oregon. 

We peace love music beer loving hippies invented micro-brews. Seriously Oregon has had Micro-brew since I was in high school if not longer. 

As far as your summerfest ok it is cool..... but please Oregon has Lillith-Fest and we have Metal-Fest..... and various other music events.  

As far as your cheese..... Bitch please we have Tillamock Cheese. 

Wisconsin is cool and all and we are happy to be here.... But seriously Oregon can kick your ass any day of the week. 

[aleahmcdonald]

To tell or not to tell

There is a debate among parents of kiddos on the autism spectrum on rather or not to tell their children they are autistic. 

Really? I don’t see why this is debated at all. 

if you have a kid on the spectrum trust me, they know they are different then their peers. So why won’t you tell them?

To not give them such basic and needed information. Well honestly that just makes you a dishonest parent. 

I have two boys 7 and 8yo they are both on the spectrum and they are aware of it. 

I showed both of them a video on youtube of amazing people through history who where autistic. 

My oldest knew who some of them where.... 

I explained that like these great people who changed our world Noah was also autistic. 

It isn’t a huge thing but it is something that makes him special. His brain was made differently.  I had the same talk with my youngest. Although I am not sure how much he retained. 

o the parents who have no intentions, would you tell them if they where adopted? What else would you withhold from them?? Don’t you think they will be deeply hurt later in life to find you knew this about them and didn’t tell them?  

IMO It is a devious thing to do and hurtful. 

[aleahmcdonald]

Ghost Story

My Mom passed away mid January in 2006. On March 19th I found I was pregnant with our first son. I was truly heart broke that my Mom never met me boys. I was heart broke that I was pregnant without my Mom to be there with me. I felt very alone in a lot of ways. 

When we where 6.5m pregnant  we found that our son had kidney issues. We where told he would most likely die right after birth. If he did survive it would not be for long. In short he had a short lifespan and he would be in a lot of pain. 

I went to bed for 3 days I stayed there and sobbed. On the morning of the third day I finally drifted off to sleep. I had a dream that would change everything for me. 

 The dream went like this:::

I was sitting on the floor in an apartment unpacking. I heard a baby crying so I got up. As I stepped into his door way there standing by his crib looking at him and rubbing his back was my Mom. 

I was stunned and asked her what she was doing there.  How was she there. 

She replied::: ‘Honey I don’t have long but, I cam to tell you he will be fine. Trust me ok? He will be fine.’ She paused and looked down at him. ‘I can’t wait for you to see him. He is beautiful.’ As she vanished she repeated ‘remember he will be fine. I won’t do that to you. I won’t let that happen. He will be fine.’

I woke up strangely calm and said ’Ok Mom.’ I got up with help from a friend I got a shower and got cleaned up. 

From there every ultrasound Noah seem to stabilize.  The news was still scary but not as Earth shattering. 

Noah was born the following November on a stormy night. He was fine. He was big and healthy. No one could explain why or how. 

When Noah was about 3mo I woke to change him in the middle of the night. He suddenly woke up and started talking saying  ‘Nana’ and laughing at the ceiling. 

I was told by people that it meant nothing and I was being silly. 

However, as he got older this behavior still happened. I went to get him out of his crib when he was about 13mo he was sitting up look with his head tipped upward as if he was looking at an adult. He was laughing and chatting up a storm saying ‘oh Nana’ and laughing. I got chills and I came around where he could see me and I asked who he was talking to. Clear as anything he said ‘well my Nana.’ He talked to her often I found it very comforting. 

Lat year my family moved to Wisconsin. My Husband had rented us a house. When we where dropped off here by family to our rental I turned on all the lights and let the boys run around and check things out. 

My oldest ran upstairs and went into the room what would be his room. He laughed and said ‘Oh hi Nana! There you are!!’  I had been nervous about this move till that very moment. I knew we would be ok. 

Noah has always quickly identified my Mom in photos ect. Even younger photos of my Mom. 

I always said that they met in passing. She was leaving as he was coming. But I never thought that it would leave him with such a definite understanding of who she was. 

[aleahmcdonald]

Odd things

I have been watching a string of unexplained weird things odd happening ect. 

Which reminded me of a few oddities that have happened to me.

First a bit of background.... my Mom was adopted. We all met her bio-dad once when he came out and spent a week with us when I was around 2yo. 

Years later I want to say I was around 7yo. But, really I am not sure.... I woke up in the middle of the night suddenly but for no real reason. I had this overwhelming need to look out of my bedroom window. Across the street was a street light. But the light wasn’t it’s typical color it was a brighter white. The light itself fanned out at the bottom. I saw in the center a man. For whatever reason I knew it was my Grandpa. He came to my window and told me he had died and he needed me to tell my Mom he was ok and at peace. Can you do that pumpkin? Can you do that for Grandpa please? I said yes.... he then instructed me to go back to bed. 

I fell asleep quickly. I have some very vague memory of maybe hearing the phone ring and I dropped off to sleep. 

The next morning..... I was getting ready for school eating breakfast in the kitchen. My Mom barely spoke to me that morning which was odd for her..... Then I just said it..... ‘Mom did you know Grandpa died last night?’  Rather short about it she dismissed me and said that Grandpa Joe (her adopted Dad) was fine. 

Rather insistent : ‘No Mom Grandpa George he died last night.’ 

My Mother had been standing at the sink doing dishes dropped a dish she was rinsing into the sink. She turned and glared at me.... ‘What??’ I repeated myself that he had died last night. She asked me how I knew that. I went on to explain that he had told me. My Mom looked at me and asked me ‘What?!’ 

So I explained what had happened the night before. How I woke up and he was outside under the street light but how it looked different. How he came to my window and asked me to tell my Mom he was ok ect. How he then told me to go back to bed. 

I told her that when I was going to sleep I thought I heard the phone ring... but I wasn’t sure. 

My Mother was clearly, clearly rattled by this conversation. She told me to finish getting ready and not to talk about it anymore. That she didn’t want to hear anymore of my crazy story. 

Years later she referred to that morning and told me the phone had been ringing that it was the police telling her that George had passed.  

She never spoke of it again. Not his passing. Not that night. Not what I had seen or talked to her about. 

After she passed my Dad asked me about one day and he told me I scared the shit out of her. My Mom was an atheist and didn’t believe in an afterlife.

[aleahmcdonald]

Dreaded Hair

I have never been one of those woman who where attached to their hair. I have had longer hair, hell I have shaved my head. I really have zero attachment to it. Nearly 5 years ago after a fight with my DH I decided to dread my hair. 

Now you must note I have STRAIGHT hair. It doesn’t curl or bend it is straight. 

So it took me awhile like 6m or so to figure out how to dread it and have it stay. 

Five years later.... And knowing I dreaded it myself with help from a great friend..... They are a bit of a mess. Lat year we moved to Wisconsin and I recently found a gal who would help me with them. 

I told her my goal in part was to have them all one length. I cringed at the thought that she may really cut them short. I really cringed. 

Which is odd.... 41 years old and I finally love my hair enough that I don’t want people cutting it