Andrea Vernon and The Summer of 2020
(Hi! I wrote a short story that is ehhhh let’s call it an alt-universe AV 2.5 which takes place in a world very similar to ours right now. Enjoy!)
“You can’t go out in the field if you have a temperature over one hundred,” Andrea repeated.
Señora Fuego stared back through the screen forcing herself to remain calm, taking an exaggeratedly deep breath to convey this more clearly. “I’m fire, Andrea. I have never had a temperature below one hundred because I am a walking fire.” On the other third of the screen Permafrost formed an icicle in his hand and used it to scratch his back. “I froze thermometer,” he said. “No clue what degree it is. Need new thermometer. Can expense?”
Andrea looked around her apartment as though her couch or bookshelf might help her. No, it was jut an apartment. “I did not make the policy,” she assured them. “These are extreme times-” Andrea cut off as she heard a knock at her door. “Just one moment.” She stood and walked over to her door, opened it to find Head Start, dressed in jeans and tight fitting CUP t-shirt and a CUP mask over his face.
“Hello,” she said. “This is my apartment.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “But it’s also your office. You seen all the people out there not wearing masks? You gonna invite me in?”
Andrea weighed her options. “After you tell me why you’re here when you’re supposed to be at City Hall.”
“City Hall? I just came here for snacks.”
“The mayor’s been…” Andrea paused. “You are superhero, you can buy your own snacks.”
“Nah, Andrea. You have to wait in line, and you know I experience time differently. I know you have good snacks.”
Andrea paused to dispute this, but she really did have good snacks and it was nice to see someone appreciate this about her.
“You can eat on the balcony, but then you’re going to City Hall. I sent you an alert.”
“Haven’t checked my phone in weeks,” said Head Start entering and then speeding over to her cabinet where he flipped through her food options, his hands a blur. “Works been pretty dead. Not Pretty Dead the Zombie Prom Queen supervillain, I mean like nothing’s happening.”
“Winter Shadow, the groundhog supervillain is at City Hall. He’s trying to eat the mayor.”
And then Head Start was gone in a blank, quickly followed by her snacks. Her window opened and shut and he was outside munching on the peanut butter pretzels she waited in a socially-distanced line outside of Trader Joe’s for two hours.
Andrea turned back to her computer only to see the screen split into quarters and Ms.Oh appear, her sweaty, muscular husband Bob Koo doing pull-ups behind her. “Andrea,” she said, “this is worse than a fire at the doily factory. We are going to lose our contract if that marmot eats our mayor.”
Before Andrea could reply, her attention was diverted by the dark cloud forming above her apartment as a booming, deep voice announced, “Attention, disgusting, powerless peons!”
“Yo, Andrea,” said Head Start from the fire escape. “You hear that?”
“Of course I heard it, the whole city heard it.” She grabbed her computer and walked her video meetings outside.
“Mask,” said Head Start, and Andrea jogged back to grab her CUP mask. As she reached the window and looked out, she saw that the cloud had a humanoid form at its head. The mouth moved as it spoke, “The Council of Evil Black Magic has the following announcement for the weaklings who exist only in this physical realm: Due to recent events we are changing our name from the Council of Evil Black Magic to the Council of Evil Magic. We regret the insensitivity of our previous name. REGRET! Also, we will be renaming the council’s headquarters where we grind the bones of the undeserving into paste we use to create our unholy potions. Instead of the Murder Plantation it will be the Murder Farm.”
Andrea opened the window and shouted, “That’s nice! You could just stop all the evil and murdering, too!”
The cloud’s face turned down to face her directly. “We are looking at reform policies, such as recycling the unused bones of the undeserving, relying more on green energy, doing more community outreach when we create our torture vortexes.”
“No,” said Andrea. “Just stop hurting people.”
“We hear you,” said the voice. “You are heard.”
The cloud began lift, but into it shot a human, lifted from the street. As the person approached, the cloud formed monstrous teeth and smiled menacingly.
Andrea looked back at her screen to see it shift again as King Tiger joined the chat. “Is there evildoing to thwart? Please say yes. I need to get out of this house.”
“Daddddddd!” called a tiny voice from another room.
“I am still searching for you!” King Tiger called back. “You are very good at hiding!”
Turning, he whispered into his computer. “My son only hides right behind the door to his bedroom. It is the same hiding spot every time, but we must play this game over and over and each time I must be surprised that this was where he had been the whole time.”
“Maybe you could ask your wife to take over,” Andrea suggested.
King Tiger took an exhausted breath and said, “Brilliant, Andrea. Here, let me try that. Ryan, go ask your mother to find you.”
“No, daddy! Daddy find me!” shouted back the little voice.
“Alas, it seems your cunning plan has failed. Now, tell me I can leave and go fight evil.”
“You need to take your temperature,” said Andrea. “And then yes.”
“It’s ninety-nine point five,” said King Tiger.
“Odd you just know that,” said Andrea.
“I’m a superhuman,” said King Tiger. “I have claws stronger than steel, can jump the length of a football field, and I know my own body temperature to a tenth of a degree. Where’s the evil?”
“Fine,” said Andrea. “You need to fill out the online form stating that and then you can go to City Hall to save the mayor from Winter Shadow.”
“My temperature is also ninety-nine point five,” said Señora Fuego.
“Yes, definite same,” said Permafrost.
With that, they disappeared from the screen leaving just Ms. Oh and Andrea. “I can’t find Teresa,” said Ms. Oh. “I keep calling her but she just vanished like my mama’s macaroni salad at a picnic.”
“Someone has to organize the supes,” said Andrea.
The screen spit again and Teresa DeMarco, head of Traffic and Logistics, appeared in a very pixelated view. “I’m going to be honest,” she said. “I’m in space.”
“Dammit, T,” said Ms. Oh. “You said you were staying in the city.”
“I did,” admitted Teresa. “But everyone I knew was leaving the city and I just thought I would mostly be doing paperwork, so...a friend of mine picked me up and I’m in space.”
Ms. Oh cocked an eyebrow and began, “T, is this the same outer space friend who-”
“It sounds like you’re about to accuse me of cheating on my husband and I resent that. But, yes, fine, maybe I’m cheating on my husband with an alien. It’s a pandemic, there are no rules. Don’t judge me. Listen, I’ll use my vacation days. Anyway, I gotta go, we’re about go through a meteor parade or whatever they’re called.”
Teresa disappeared.
“Andrea,” began Ms. Oh. “I’m very sorry to ask this, but can you put on a mask and go down to City Hall to help keep an eye on our supes.”
“Yes,” said Andrea.
The window lifted and Head Start poked his head in. “Listen, I can get you there fast.”
“Good,” said Andrea.
“Okay, but there’s no easy way of putting this. I’m super-fast, but not super strong, so I can’t carry you.”
“You meant to say no offense at the end of that sentence, but continue.”
“But, like, if you could sit in a wheelbarrow or something, I could push you all the way to City Hall in a minute or two.”
“I’ll ask the neighbors.”
Andrea ignored the nausea as the wheelbarrow tore across the Queensborough Bridge, sparks flying as Head Start struggled to keep it level. “Whoops!” he said.
“I think the Triborough would have been quicker,” said Andrea.
“Tolls,” replied Head Start.
“It’s a wheelbarrow.”
“Yeah,” he said, “but they take pictures of you when you pass through the gate and they know me now.”
Andrea reached for her tablet and dialed Slammer. He appeared with a background showing a sandy beach and a palm tree.
“Andrea, I figured out how to put in a background for Zoom.”
“Sure,” she said. “We need you. Mayor’s about to be eaten.”
“Wow,” said Slammer. “Wow. Okay. I don’t know where I put my pants.”
“Find your pants,” Andrea ordered.
“I haven’t worn pants in months. Do I have special superhero pants or do I wear khakis or something? I can’t even remember.”
“Any pants,” said Andrea. “Just put them on.”
She hung up the call and rang up Hejira, whose screen displayed what Andrea assumed was the surface of an alien planet.”
“It looks bad, yes?” said Hejira. “It’s my fifth attempt at baking bread.”
“I’m sure it tastes fine,” said Andrea. “Mayor’s about to be eaten by a woodchuck.”
Head Start looked down and said, “You told me it was a groundhog.”
“Same thing,” said Andrea.
“Doesn’t seem right,” noted Head Start. “Doesn’t seem right.”
Winter Shadow, a fifteen-foot tall groundhog wearing a mask that read “6 MORE WEEKS OF EVIL” stood on two legs dangling New York City’s mayor from one leg. “Do not fear,” said the mayor. “The situation is under control. I have complete faith in this groundhog to handle this situation without escalation or violence.”
Head Start eased the wheelbarrow to a slow stop in front of a police barricade, and Andrea stumbled trying to extricate herself from it. She wobbled on two legs after the long journey.“
Okay, supes…” She paused to see if she was going to vomit. Feeling confident she would not. “Go...do your thing.”
“Yes, very helpful, Andrea,” said King Tiger as he approached with Permafrost and Señora Fuego. “The first thing we attempt to do is talk down the supervillain, see if we can capture them without incident.”
King Tiger walked cautiously forward. “Good day, Winter Shadow!” he called out. “I need you to put down the mayor, please.”
Winter Shadow turned to face King Tiger, about fifty feet away. “I would like to eat the mayor first!” it yelled back in a malicious shriek.
“No! Put him down or we will take you down!”
“Okay, see this is Cancel Culture!” moaned Winter Shadow.
Señora Fuego caught up to King Tiger and asked, “Cancel Culture the villainous bacteria that erases the memories of its victims or Cancel Culture the thing people complain about on Twitter?”
“See,” said Winter Shadow. “I just want to eat one mayor and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy.”
“You’ve eaten seven mayors before,” Andrea shouted.
“And because that offends you, I’m deplatformed!” screamed Winter Shadow.
“You just had an op-ed published in the Times about how eating more mayors is the only way to get through our current crises,” Andrea called back.
“Andrea,” said King Tiger. “We have a rule that you can’t taunt the villain if you are not going to fight the villain.”
“Fair,” said Andrea.
“People can’t stand opposing points of view anymore!” Winter Shadow raged. “We should be able to disagree. Some people are pro-eating mayors and some people are against it. That’s what makes this country great. You know they just tore down my statue in Central Park?”
“You put that statue up yourself this morning!” Andrea shouted before adding. “Sorry, sorry, I’ll let everyone do their job.”
“I’m fine,” said the mayor.
The ground began to shake, jarring Andrea who had not yet recovered from her wheelbarrow ride. The supes began to retreat from their spot in front of City Hall as the ground cracked and then burst open. A giant syringe-shaped vehicle shot out and floated above them. Its door opened and a wild-eyed mustachioed man in a lab coat shouted down at them. “The time has come!”
“That’s Diseased Mind,” said Andrea. “Missing for the last fifteen years.”
“Stop bragging that you do your homework,” Señora Fuego snapped.
“I have toiled for years!” barked Diseased Mind. “I have it! I have created a disease so powerful it will shut down this nation’s economy!”
“Let Andrea tell him,” suggested Señora Fuego.
“Much agree,” said Permafrost.
“All will bow before me!” Diseased Mind said with a cackle.
“We already got one!” shouted Andrea.
“What?” said Diseased Mind. “Already got one what?”
“I’m going to eat the mayor!” Winter Shadow reminded everyone. “I’m a giant groundhog holding the mayor of America’s largest city near his hungry, hungry mouth and no one is paying attention to me.”
“We’ll get back to you,” said Andrea before turning back to Diseased Mind. “There already is a contagious disease. It’s awful. It’s a living nightmare.”
“Who beat me to it?!” Diseased Mind demanded. “Was it Germaphile? Mucus Brain?”
“It just happened,” said Andrea.
“I worked for years on this!” shouted Diseased Mind. “Years! I had this whole plan where everyone would work to stop the virus and then I would reveal I had done it to unite the people of this country. Did everyone unite to fight the disease? Did that happen?”
“No,” said Andrea. “That definitely did not happen. We’re arguing more than ever before and it doesn’t feel like anything is getting better soon. It’s an airborne diesease, but people won’t even wear masks.”
“Which supervillains won’t wear masks? That seems foolish. Wait, more importantly, just for future reference, what is the government doing right now? I’d like to account for their strategy for the next time I attempt this.”
“Uhhhh,” said Andrea. “I think we’re banning something called...TokTik.”
“Tiktok!” yelled Permafrost breaking into some bizarre dance. “You sound like old person with calling it wrong name.”
“Yes,” said Andrea. “We are banning Tiktok. It’s-”
“I’m going to cut you off,” said Diseased Mind. “It was a mistake to come above ground.”
His syringe ship lowered and disappeared back beneath the earth.
“Hello!” hollered Winter Shadow before catching a ice bolt to his midsection and a fire blast at his right knee. The villain dropped the mayor, but Head Start rushed in to catch his fall. King Tiger leapt on top of Winter Shadow, pinning him to the ground. Hejira, next to Andrea, levitated a set of oversized manacles and used them to restrain the groundhog.
“Alright, that’s done.”
She started to walk toward the subway stop across the street, decided not to chance it and yelled back, “Head Start! Wheelbarrow me!”