When I woke up this morning, the first thing on my mind was money. Today I will make SOME money. My goal was $20. Somehow today, I would make $20. I didn’t.
Right now I am living off of my savings from teaching overseas. It is not a lot, and part of my family was in a more dire financial position than I was. So needless to say, my savings has a much shorter life span than I thought. I can accept this, but I have had a job since I was 12, and not bringing in money has put me into a bit of a useless state of mind. In this state of mind, I have spent quite a bit of time trying to find ways to make a little money here and there. From surveys to user testing, I have sampled the easiest ways to earn cash. Turns out though, it’s not that easy. Apparently virtually no one wants to know what an unemployed 23 year old with no car, no kids, and no house thinks about their service or product.
If you can’t tell, I am restless. However, my version of restless is sitting down and watching episode after episode of “Botched” while I click the play button on a muted video that gets me one cent every time it runs. Once again, I put off God until 3:30 p.m. That is around the time that I stare at the TV and realize that I have wasted another day. I am no closer to God than when I woke up seven hours ago.
It’s sadistically funny. I am one of those people that have absolutely no doubts that God exists. Even when I say in my thought process, “God isn’t real,” my whole motherboard goes, “HA!” Time and time again, He has shown His love to me. He has poured out His mercy, bathed me in His forgiveness. I cannot deny Him. No part of me can, but here I am. I am wasting away like I am Godless, aimlessly swallowing each minute like I am purposeless.
Once again, the truth is quite simple, and one that lands directly on me.
“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.” -2 Timothy 3:17
See, it is interesting to think that we already have everything we need to succeed in Christ. He has given us our tools, our arsenal, to take on this next step in Him. And as we continue to climb, He will forever equip us. He will fill in the gaps. He will tighten the bolts, caulk the holes, and strengthen the beams. Even when the storm rages, God’s boat is sound. We may need to hold tight. We may need to grab a bucket every once in a while. Like in Luke, however, we can call out to Him when the fear begins to consume. No matter what though, we will always end up on the other side. We will make it to the destination intended by God.
Many people look at me right now and think that I am in a resting state in my life. The truth is that this time may be the biggest storm I have faced yet. Even though everyone logically understands my situation and does not see me as a failure or unable, I have been stripped of my pride. I have nothing to represent me by worldly standards except the dreaded label “unemployed”.
So here is me being stripped of anything else that held me up. Here is me breaking the stilts that I used to walk above everyone else. I have no permanent home. I have no permanent job. I tried to walk on water without Jesus. Now, I am drowning.
This is me calling out to Him. I am waking Him, shaking Him, because my faith isn’t strong enough. I am not strong enough alone. I cannot see the shore, and I am panicking like an unbeliever. JESUS!
And I know what He would say, I know what he would do for me now. He would not calm the storm. He would reach out His arms, His word. He would tell me to pull myself into the boat, using Him to make what I thought was impossible possible.
janainaart
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
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