Alex does things

Alejandro aka Alex 23. Mexico/USA. Man with trans history. Started T 25/05/2016. He/his/him

[alexenlinea]

having some minor bleeding again this month. i’ve had some sporadic bleeding/spotting since the fall, mostly due to rationing testosterone and i suspect this anticontraceptive implant i got in october. really missing having student insurance and medical care and feeling bad i was too depressed and down to navigate figuring out state insurance before i left california. hopefully i will be able to get in to see my old endo here soon but i’m assuming the waitlist will be at least 3 months if he’s even seeing patients right now. i did some looking around and it seems like he’s still practicing at the same hospital not too far from me but i haven’t really made much progress making all the calls i need for medical inquiries or anything. it is distressing to me but dysphoria is much better these days or at least i’m able to get through it knowing i’ll be able to get access to hormones again someday soonish. i used to not need a script to go buy t here anyways but it seems the pharmacies are more strict these days. which is good because i’d rather be under supervision since i have had some issues with my blood pressure, but i am worried at the prospect of being without for several months. i feel like that is also part of my low mood and anxiety so once i get that figured out hopefully my brain will give me a bit of a break. i miss being on nebido and if the price hasn’t fluctuated too much i should be able to handle the cost for the next 6 months at least once i do get a script w my savings. just hoping i can get the nerve up to finally make the call and see how long i’ll have to wait. until then i just hope my body gets used to the implant and it goes dormant again lol. i’ve also lost a lot of weight which i think has helped it be lighter and not so regular but i don’t wanna fall down the eating disorder rabbit hole thinking like that so i’m making sure to eat regularly even if my appetite has still not returned to me. but i’m holding up alright which i’m thankful for. just gotta get through these next couple months and i’m sure things will improve

[alexenlinea]

so, in the last week or so i’ve come back home (sans passport so i’ll be here a while) and i’m feeling pretty good about it. my sister’s place was nice for a while but she’s kind of loca with her covid conspiracies and assorted ridiculousness so i just felt it was healthier for me to come back and avoid getting sick. not having a passport will make job things a bit difficult bc i’m honeslty not sure how i’ll go about getting one other than presenting myself at the consulate and brining all my shit with me to see what they can do for me. but, i’d always wanted to come back and intended on living here so i’m not upset about it. just need to get on that and get over the fatigue of dealing with getting basic documents which has been a slow and months long battle but i know it’ll just be a matter of time and getting over the frustrations associated with it. i want to try and find a job here but i just have to find a way to push through my anxiety of thinking people think i’m dumb bc i have an accent or say things wrong every once and a while. logically i know it’s not a big deal, just have to get over that hurdle. anxiety is my biggest enemy these days and i just need to find a way to cope with it and get out there. i’m trying to set a routine and not let my moods get me down. my dad’s wife wants to ge running int he park every morning starting monday so that will be quit nice i think. i used to really enjoy getting out there and running on my own when i was in hs so i think it’ll be good for me to get back into it after a few months of inactivity. my boyfriend also got to meet my family this new year since he’s just been working from home so that was nice and he’s willing and able to come see me so that’s been helping me a lot. he also love this city as much as i do so i feel really good about that as well. none of my friends have ever come to visit me in the time i’ve lived here either so that was nice. i just want to find some type of work or volunteering to keep me busy and motivated. right now i feel quite down having not worked in more than a year and i think it’ll really help my self worth to be back in it. and having some money to pay for therapy would be really helpful bc i feel that coping is quite difficult so i’d like to be back on some type of medication soon. p sure i have bipolar 2 and not just regular depression so hopefully having an actual therapist and not just a psych nurse who sees me every now and then will be helpful. i think just the  loneliness is hard for me to deal with after having lived with my friend for like a year and change. my family loves me but its not the same as having someone to hangout with all day and be distracted by school in between. so, goals fo the next couple months are getting a passport, driving, a job and some therapy. really hoping i can hang onto this decent state of mind and handle it when and if the drop does come back in. i’d really like to find that passion again and get rid of this lingering fatigue. that being said, i’m also learning not to push myself too much and reach out when i need it without feeling shame. i really want to make this a good year after last year’s shit show so i’m putting my best foot forward and giving it my all. hopefully i’ll be able to get my own place and be in a stable job by the end of this year or at least be in a position where i’m able to put away some savings. i feel quite overwhelmed just thinking of everything i need to do but i think making a plan of what i need to do and taking it one step at a time will really help me. i wish there was more access to support but with covid i assume it will be a slow process to access anything so i’m just trying to be patient and hang in there. i’m glad to have people in my life to help me along the way but i know it’s gonna be an uphill battle. but, that’s life and i’ve just got to deal with what i’ve got. here’s to a 2021 with less fear, sadness and stress. really trying to manifest that peace i’m looking for into my life and not be too hard on myself if i don’t meet every goal. hope u all r having a happy start and can make this year better than the last. 

[alexenlinea]

been a while sice i’ve updated here so  thought i’d get some thoughts out. i graduated from university about 5 months ago now and i’ve been staying with my sister since the start of fall. so far i haven’t found a job yet but i’ve also been struggling quite a bit mental healthwise so i’m taking it easy since i can baiscally just chill here and not worry about bills other than my personal stuff and loans soon. still struggling to get my name change stuff processed but hopefully i’ll have figured out where that’s at by monday. i’ve had a hard time just relaxing and not feeling bad about it since i’ve been busy for so long but i’m learning to appreciate the downtime rather than let it overwhealm me. One thing that has been stressing me ooout is i’ve been without hormones for like 2 months now but i haven’t noticed too much change thankfully. I’ve been able to sort it out temporarily tho so i’ll be okay for the next few months at least. and if i don’t find work or get benefits by the new year i can ask for money to get me a shot of nebido that’d keep me going for 3 months. so, a lot of issues w money but i’m not super worried about them bc i’ve obsessed enough to figure solutions to take care of basic needs like hormones. Not working and being mostly to myself has given me a lot of time to think and really try and manage my lows and anxieties. I decided to go off  the last antidepressant i was on bc it wasn’t helping much other than taking the edge off a bit and i knew i wouldn’t have the money to keep on it without my student insurance anyways. I tried going back on briefly but i feel i’m managing just about the same i would on it than off so i decided to just stay off them till i find a new therapist and all that and maybe get to try some alternate treatments i didn’t get to do bc of covid and general struggles on my part to set everything up and afford the out of pocket fees. i’m coping alright now but it’s def still a conscious struggle everyday. i’m also finding myself struggle more with getting taken advantage of at this new years party i went to as the date comes closer. i really started to struggle with feelings of shame and guilt a few months on but lately it’s been occupying my thoughts more as i continue to come to terms w it. still mostly hard days but i met a new guy and we’ve been together for a few months and he’s helped me a lot. just been really understanding and making sure i’m comfortable and being there for me after a close friend gaslit me about the whole situation. he’s really sweet and we click quite nicely so that’s been a pleasant new thing in my life. it’s nice to feel such a genuine connection with someone and not wonder where i stand with them. he’s really been a big help in becoming more confident and comfortable w myself lately. mental health is still a struggle daily but i do look forward to the future and i’m finding a lot more things that i thought would never happen for me are attainable. and i’ve been trying to stop gaslighting myself into thinking i’m not important to anyone and none of my friends like me but it’s a work in progress lamo. i love all my friends here and in life, ya’ll really keep me going. also been coming to terms w a lot of past family drama and youth backstory so i’m feeling more at peace and sure of myself than ever these days. it’s been a really hard year but i’m still here and trying to keep it that way. i just feel life is on the path it needs to be right now so i’m trying to keep my head up and follow through. basic goal rn is to become independent again lol

also dysphoria hasn’t been nearly as bad as it used to be. it’s nice to not feel constant discomfort and it makes waiting for surgery not so unbearable. 

[alexenlinea]

been feeling p down and just dreading graduation because that’ll be the end of health resources i get through school. and then i just feel very aimless about what i want to do with myself in general. it feels like everything is coming up so fast but i’m just standing still with no future in sight. i was really hoping this latest dose change would help w my mood but i’m feeling bad as ever and i think the stress of not having an idea of what works before graduation is not helping things. i’m scraping by now but in the long term i really don’t see myself being able to function independently. i think this is gonna be another hard year but i’m really trying to keep up with everything so if i start to feel better i’ll have something to do and even if i’m still just feeling like shit i’ll have some sort of distraction and way to maintain myself. i don’t want to think this is just how life will be but with so many let downs treatment wise i’m feeling resigned to it. idk, when i get this low i feel like i’m just losing it so hopefully this dip eases up soon.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[flyingpurplepizzaeater]

Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”

and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”

and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.

[do-as-youre-told-deactivated201]

This is so well put I am stunned

[alexenlinea]

This past year has been one of the most difficult since i graduated high school but after some medication changes i feel like i’m finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. i’ve really been trying to work  on myself and get my life together and i think i’m making progress. the last decade or so i haven’t really thought out any sort of life plan beyond abstract stuff i never pursued bc i’ve always just been looking ahead to when i’d be able to finally kill myself. so, trying to look forward to something other than an escape is taking a lot of work. i’m still struggling with a lot of disgust and shame with myself but i’m working on it. lately i’ve also been struggling with feeling isolated and alone bc i don’t have anyone irl who i can be open with about the whole trans thing and the big part that plays in my depression so i feel like even though i have friends that they don’t really know me in the same way i know them due to my being so closed off about it. and then i don’t talk about my childhood or family much bc it’s just a lot of baggage. i just expect rejection and misunderstandings so i feel like it’s better for me to just keep it to myself. like, i’ll share in vague ways that get across my feelings but don’t give too much away about specifics. idk... i just want to not hate myself and think i’m a disgusting freak all the time lol. hopefully 2020 is the year i get closer to that or at least learn to deal with it better. i’m trying to make plans for post grad life (which is only 6 months away??? where has the time gone) but it’s hard to decide on something when it feels like i’m just going through the motions rather than being really excited&committed to a decision. I never thought i’d live this long so i really don’t know what i’m working towards. just trying to get out of that mindset and focus on all the good i can for now. i hope the new year treats u all well 

[alexenlinea]

the last 6 months or so have been the worst depression and stress wise since i graduated high school. i’ve been really frustrated with not getting help even after telling my psych nurse and a social worker that i’m on the verge of killing myself everyday and have just been drowning and not able to handle anything the past few months. the response has pretty much been “let’s wait and see” with little to no follow up. i just don’t know what else i can do at this point? it’s not like i’m pretending i’m fine so i don’t get the lack of urgency. i’ve been trying to keep up with my classes but i can hardly read for a sustained stretch and days where i can’t even bring myself to get out of bed have been more and more frequent the last 2 months probably. i feel like no matter how many times i go to them with the same complaints and telling them i feel worse everyday they’re not going to do anything. and then i feel like my psych nurse doesn’t even think bc she keeps having me change doses and then just keep the old meds even though i’ve mentioned several previous suicide attempts w medication overdose. and that’s been a worry just bc now i know if i do decide to do it i’ve got way more than enough for it to be fatal. i’m trying to stay positive and make plans i have to stick around for but i’m really struggling these days. hopefully different meds will take the edge off bc i feel like i’m losing my mind at the moment :/ 

[defectode-deactivated20231102]

Coursera | Transgender Medicine for General Medical Providers

1000+ courses from schools like Stanford and Yale - no application required. Build career skills in data science, computer science, business, and more.

I just heard about this course and it looks interesting. I have only watched the first introduction video and they’re discussing the biological basis of gender, so far so good.

[b0billi0n]

“The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit. Be patient. Be humble. Keep moving forward and know that all this hard work you’re putting in day and night will produce the amazing results you’ve been looking for. Your time is coming. Do not give up.”

[brimalandro]

i think about this a lot

[dashaibo]

The guy got his life and career destroyed by his divorce, cut him some slack.

[ninja-pyro]

he was also sexually assaulted by a man who could destroy his career

[ima-fuckingt4ble]

protect him

[unlimited-shitpost-works-deacti]

reblog if the man on the right is just as beautiful as the man on the left

[konigstigerr]

people grow old? like, that’s a thing that happens? leave my guy alone.

[rikzpt-deactivated20191229]

This man deserves everything let him he happy

[rikzpt-deactivated20191229]

Ok… This is what happened to Fraser

-His wife ditched him and asked for 900k a year,

-He was sexually assaulted which he said kicked him into a deep depression

-He stated that the stunts from the 3rd Mummy movie completely destroyed his body and he was in and out of the hospital for 7 years even having to get surgery to repair his vocal cords.

-He apparently blamed himself for all this which only worsened his depression.

This man has literally been through hell this past decade so please lets cut him some slack and wish him the best

[kakaphoe]

All this but also that picture on the right is a really bad paparazzi photo compared with a professional quality movie promo still. No one looks good when some random person snaps you on the street, regardless of who you are.

Compare with this image from the GQ article last February:

Proper lighting, professional setting, good angles etc.

The dude is 49 and has had a rough couple of decades, but he’s still lovely to look at, and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

[dreaming-yeen]

Plus, now he’s in Doom Patrol, which makes me happy af.

[lessonsintrance]

And let’s not forget he was probably slightly to severely dehydrated to look that buff in he first photo. And I’m so pleased he got work again he seems like a good sort, and from the stealth pilot in Titans, Doom Patrol looks like it should be good.

[asubmissiveview]

It shouldn’t even matter what he’s been through. Body shaming of ANYONE is wrong.

[theladyjanedoe-deactivated20221]

ALL OF THIS

Plus

2019 Brendan is still slaying, so btfu

[simiperfect]

This post keeps getting better and I’m here for it

[velvet74sub]

I love this whole thread

[watart]

The last time I saw this it was only at the first ‘cut him some slack’ part and it just progressively gets better each time.

[kittyinhighheels]

He looks so good 😍 I’m just glad he’s getting back on track. He deserves a happy and great life.

[alexenlinea]

still thinking about killing myself everyday and feeling on the verge of actually doing it. i’ve had a fair amount of close calls recently and i think about suicide all the goddamn time. i think it’s safe to say this latest dose adjustment hasn’t been effective. i’m just tired?? and it feels like my bones are made of lead?? anyways, i would like some #relief for a change ://

[knifefightscene]

[coochie-chronicles]

The idiots who put these pieces together are the same halfwits saying millennials are killing industries by not spending enough money. “Spend money on entertainment, media and food but don’t spend money on entertainment, media, and food you reckless spenders.” Make up your fucking minds assholes. God I hate this shit

[gaypeopletwitter]

[demonius-darkblade]

[abbf26]

oh and can cis people stop announcing which of their friends are trans?

i have no fucking need to know who is or is not trans, all youve done is outed them and proved to me that i cant trust you. the first thing i find out about your friend shouldnt be that they trans. actually i should never find that out about your friend from you

sick and tired of cis people using my existence near them as a diversity token. stop telling me about your childhood friend whose trans. stop telling me their deadname. all that does is show me that you’ll tell the next stranger my deadname and how im trans and it makes me feel physically sick

[abbf26]

cis people can reblog this as long as you dont demand i fucking coddle you and forgive you for outing trans people to strangers

[dysphoricdenizen]

I really hate this turn towards ‘identifies as’ and ‘uses [x terms]’ language. It’s a politically correct way to denigrate someone.

I’m not ‘someone who identifies as a man’. I’m don’t ‘use he/him’ pronouns. I am a man, I am a he. The minute you add the qualifier of “identifies as” or “uses” you’re telling the world you don’t think that’s true. 

I’m not a five year old who thinks they’re a dinosaur or something. Don’t treat me like one.