JJ looked up at Alice as she spoke, already feeling his gut wrenching at the sound of her voice wavering. It hurt him to see her hurt, to know that he was the reason she was hurt, to finally be confronted with all the pain he’d caused her over something he didn’t want to do. He ended the best thing he’d ever had in his life, the most pure love he’d ever felt, the most beautiful and kind person he’d ever held for Matt Banks, and now the prick wasn’t even around for any of it to matter. All JJ could do was nod sadly as Alice spoke the guilty thoughts that had played through his head for months. “I know, I kn-”
He froze at her question, watching for a moment in panic as Alice stood from beside him and walked away from him. When she finally faced him again, her stare seemed to hold every emotion at once - anger, sadness, confusion - he deserved every glare, every confrontation, everything Alice needed to throw his way to get back at him for breaking her heart, he deserved all of it.
“No, no, I-” JJ shook his head fervently, holding his hands in front of them and waving them slightly. “No, Al. That’s not what I meant. I mean - I did lie, you’re right, but not about loving you. That was never a lie. I did love you, I do love you, Alice. I never stopped, but -” JJ breathed out heavily through his nose, preparing himself to be as open as he had been about anything since the day he told Alice he loved her. “Everything we did, everything we had, it was all real. I meant everything I said to you up until that last day in the park. I had to end things, I didn’t have a choice and the only way I could get myself to do that was to do what I did that day. I tried to convince myself I was over you, so it would be easier to end things, but I should never have done it…”
JJ stood from the swing but remained distanced from Alice as he continued. “Okay. You’re not going to like this, but I promise it’s the truth, Al…” He sighed and squeezed his eyes closed, shaking his head. “Matt hated that we were together, he didn’t want me anywhere near you… And when I saw him for a pickup after he found out about us, he was really fucking angry. He told me if I didn’t end things, that he would go to the cops with proof that I was working for Owen.” JJ sighed and shook his head, running a hair nervously through his hair. “I was a coward, Alice… I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell you because it was my word against your brother’s, you know? So I did what he said, and I ended things…” JJ’s eyes were tearing up and he reached up with the back of his hand to wipe at his cheek. “I should have been honest with you and told you a long time ago, but I was nothing but a coward… And Jane…” He sighed. “I had a casual thing with her last year, but when I met you I knew that there was nothing really there between Jane and I… That I didn’t feel like I did with you, around her. So I ended things with her after that day in the library.” JJ looked down, kicking at the dead grass beneath his foot. “I felt lost after breaking up with you, Alice. I didn’t know what to do, and so I went back to Jane, to try to convince myself that I was over you.” He sniffled slightly and shrugged. “Jane is kind and caring, but she’s not you, Al. She’s never replaced you.” He let out a breath and stepped closer. “And I know this is a lot and I should have told you ages ago, or should have never ended things at all, but I was an idiot. And I’ve regretted it everyday since then.”
JJ took another tentative step closer to Alice, knowing the last part of this story that he needed to say. “And about New Year’s Eve. I need to tell you everything, because I know that this makes me sound guilty, but I promise, Al. I don’t know what happened to your brother that night. I was sent by Owen to meet your brother at the petrol station, because he owed him a lot of money and was asking for more drugs.” He winced, knowing that all of this was too much for Alice to take in. “I got there and he was really drunk already and had more drinks on him, I pushed him a bit, telling him that we needed the money he owed before he’d get anything else from us.” JJ’s jaw tensed slightly, this was the information that could break him. “That made him really angry, and he made a comment about me and you… Something about how much better off you were without me, and I lost it.” JJ shook his head. “We got into a fight, but he nearly knocked me out, that’s where all the bruises came from.” The next breath left his mouth shakily. “Matt walked off towards the farm and Owen had to come get me. I went home and everyone else went to that party Rory was having. I was so messed up I slept the rest of the night.” JJ looked up at Alice earnestly and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Alice. I know this was a lot, but I needed to tell you. I promise it’s the entire truth - I don’t want to hide anything from you ever again.”
Alice couldn’t hear anything else, because JJ had loved her. He still loved her. He never stopped loving her. It was all real. It had been easier for her logical brain to put him down as a liar, but it was real. She wanted it all back again, because now every single moment of theirs now seemed to be soaked in honey, not lemon. Everything was sweet again, not sour. They could still be together right now, but something had happened. She had a thousand questions still and so she didn’t let herself melt in the honey right there and then, she kept staring at JJ with a determination so he didn’t know how he stopped her hearing with those words. “But... why? Why then?”
She almost wished she hadn’t asked for more.
“Matt...?” Her voice was so small as she interrupted him with no intention of stopping him speaking. She had only talked about JJ twice in front of Matt. The first being when she told him about JJ, the second being right after they broke up. “But... but...” It never occured to her that he approached JJ about them, but, of course, Matt was lying about not knowing him at that time and he knew him very well indeed. She hated that he consoled her after being the one to crush her heart. JJ loved her. Despite everything, Alice wanted to believe that was true. She wanted to believe that the beautiful, charming Jane was nothing compared to her, but all she felt was shock right now. Shock and a want to believe every word out of his mouth, because it felt like hope.
Again, Alice had never even thought that the truth behind Matt’s murder could be tied in with her story with JJ until now. Everything was connected. And she hated that. She shook her head wildly and ran both hands through her hair, almost trying to muffle the words that he was saying. She didn’t just want what JJ was saying to be true, she needed it to be. If Matt died because of her, because of JJ’s apparent love for her, then she would hate herself forever. It didn’t matter what Matt had done, she was the guilty party. JJ didn’t do it, he didn’t do it, he didn’t do it. She had to believe that for her own sanity.
“Jay, I...” She breathed so hard through her mouth that she thought the world could hear her. She stared at him so directly, but without as much anger as before because she didn’t have the strength for that. “How am I supposed to be believe you?” She yelled it out of frustration. She was overwhelmed by the honesty JJ decided to show her right now that maybe it wasn’t true. However she also couldn’t help but believe him and the way he said it. This could just be Jane and JJ’s little plan to use Alice’s love for him against her, but she also knew JJ wasn’t like that. “I need to... I need to know you didn’t do it and that it’s nothing to with you or me. I need to, so do something or swear on something, I just...”
There was something about being here with Alice again, in the place where he broke her heart, and broke his own as well, that made all of the feelings he’d forced himself to bury back in Autumn, rise in him again. This meeting with her quickly became less about Jane’s ultimatum, and more about simply being around Alice. And while that was entirely selfish of JJ to admit to himself, he couldn’t shake the feeling. “I know, believe me, I know and I’m so sorry. I’ve been a coward about all of this - I hurt you and let you down and I understand if you can’t forgive me for that.” He should have ended it there, but the feelings bubbling in him started to pour out of him in that moment, and nothing else really mattered outside of him and Alice being on this swing set together. “I want to try to make it up to you, though… There are so many things I didn’t tell you when I ended things - I lied to myself and I kept things from you and I want to make things right.”
JJ held Alice’s eye contact, no matter how difficult it was for him to be confronted by the own ways in which he hurt her, the time he allowed to pass when he could have been comforting her, the information he’d withheld from her for his own protection. He nodded along with her words and took a deep breath, shaking his head at her final sentence. “No, I should have. I was just being… I was being an idiot.” JJ sighed and looked down at his lap. That really was such a lame excuse. “I understand if you choose not to believe this, or don’t want to trust me, really, I do. But I just want you to know that I want to be here for you. I know it’s late and I’ve messed up and I should have been doing this months ago. But I want to be open and honest with you and let you ask me the things you didn’t get a chance to ask me… about last time we spoke, or before that. I promise I will be completely honest with you, Al. I want to do better.”
The stark contrast tonight compared with the day they ended it was so apparent as JJ spoke. Well, firstly, he was talking and he didn’t do much of that on that day. Strangely, he sounded more certain about what he wanted tonight than he did last year when he broke up with her, but she didn’t wanted to believe any of it? How could she? Months and months had passed of her hoping and waiting for him to reach out to her and tell him he had made a huge mistake, even after him and Jane started to date, but he was doing it all now?
The logical part of her brain, and really the only part she should be listening to, knew that he was saying this all now, because he knew how he had come across last time they had spoken. But...
He was promising her all the things she had wanted to know all this time. Alice was always someone with answers, but when it came to JJ all she ever had was questions. And so she let him continue speaking and speaking until he told her he wanted to do better. She wanted him to do better too. She wanted to have hope where he was concern.
“I...” She wet her lips and continued to look at him, stuck between what she should say and what she wanted to say. Stuck between asking about what happened the night Matt died and the day he broke her heart. Why was she suddenly so small and weak? “You’re right - you did hurt me. You hurt me more than anyone had done before and I do want to know why you ended it? You said you kept things from me and you lied to yourself...”
She breathed deeply, finally tearing her eyes from him as she had recently learnt her emotional abilities and knew she could cry any moment now.
“Does that mean you lied to me too?”
Standing up from the swing, she walked a little away, but standing firmly facing him still. She had chosen the weak option in asking him all this and was stopping herself from getting vital information in her investigation, but she felt selfish in front of JJ. She felt love. She felt pain. They were confusing feelings to have in the midst of all this grief.
“I mean you did lie, right? You told me you loved me and then two weeks later, you don’t want me anymore. And I - why did you say you love me? I believed that.” She buried her face in her hands to wipe at her tears before looking up again, but not searching for his eyes now. She said a little stronger, a little louder, “I know I should be over all this and I have bigger things to be upset about,” Her voice wobbled. “But you hurt me and then you went with Jane? So you telling me you were lying to yourself and you want to make it up to me... Well, take back the library, take back kissing me, take back the nights in your car, just take everything back, because I think it was all a lie and it just hurts.” She finally looked toward him, new tears forming. “It really hurts.”
Meeting with Alice had been the last thing JJ wanted to do, the last yet also the first in a strange way. The last time they’d spoken, although it had gone terribly, it left JJ missing how things were before - when it was Summertime, he had Alice, and a meeting between them on the swings in the park was nothing more than sharing music, laughter, and kissing. He’d do anything to go back to that.
Now, as he sat on the swingset they’d always met at over the Summer, everything had changed. Jane had forced him into this situation, and while he was strangely looking forward to seeing Alice again, even though he knew she probably hated him, he’d dragged his feet on reaching out to her. What the fuck was there to say, anyway? He’d already fucked up and told her too much, he couldn’t take it away now. All he had was Jane’s confidence in him, although that was quickly waning now, and a clear face. He felt a bit more like himself, or at least the version of him that he’d become since making the mistake of breaking Alice Banks’ heart. Since that day in August, he hadn’t really felt sure of himself or his identity at all. Being in the middle of the murder investigation didn’t help it at all.
He rocked back and forth on the swing gently, watching his shoes scrape against the worn down dirt beneath them, the stillness of the night feeling comforting and suffocating all at once. He heard a soft greeting and looked up, giving a small smile in return. “Hey, thanks for meeting me like this.” JJ watched as Alice sat down beside him, and for the briefest moment it felt like old times, though of course it wasn’t. He looked down that that sharp realization, taking in her words with a nod. He’d just have to be more careful this time with what he said to her. “I just wanted to talk after last time, and apologize.” He ran a hand through his hair as the other remained on the handle of the swing. “I was horrible to you last time we spoke, and I’m really sorry Al - Alice. I bombarded you with a lot and put you in an uncomfortable position and you didn’t deserve that.” He nearly added that he had been in a bad place or had been feeling tense, but he could hear Jane’s voice in his head telling him not to be an idiot. “I also just wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing. I’m -” He sighed and looked back down at the dirt. “I should have been checking in on you, for a long time now, but especially now with everything happening. I’m sorry.” He looked over at her with regretful eyes.
It was hard to ignore the fact that the last time they were here, Alice hadn’t even been able to sit down on the swing as he had broken her heart before she could even take a seat. This place had just brought her sadness for so long and now it seemed JJ just wanted to remind her of all the pain. It was even harder to pretend that she wouldn’t meet him whenever he asked her to. She was incapable of saying no to seeing his beautiful face. Maybe she was more of a masochist than she originally thought she was.
She looked at him with her tongue stuck in her cheek as he said he wanted to apologise. God, she didn’t want to be, but he was pulling her in. She was still trapped in a place where she wanted him to give what she thought she deserved so badly. She should be over it already, but what did he want to apologise for? Her eyes must have been lasering through his skin, as he started speaking. Disappointment washed over her like a familiar wave of what JJ gave her as he only apologised for the last time they spoke - what about the time before that?
“Well, I was asking you for a lot about Matt and I do appreciate you answering my questions.” She sucked in air as she considered not saying the next thing, but she had to let him know. “However, it probably wasn’t the time to bring up those things about us, especially as you had months before to do that.”
The apology felt a little hollow considering what he had done last time he had an opportunity to check in on her. “I’m not doing great.” She said, staring right back at him, so he could see that she really meant it. Her life had fallen apart, but he had gotten her used to pain. “I did think though that if you were ever going to talk to me again it might have been after Matt... I think I was expecting too much, because that’s not really your job anymore, is it?”
Alice had never been denied books before and so she didn’t know how enraged she should be at these circumstances. Politeness took over her and she delicately repeated,
“But I’m going to be starting here after the Summer, so -,”
“As I’ve already said, it is only available to current students.”
“I can’t get books out from my school now though.” Alice persisted, speaking in an urgent whisper. “Please? I really don’t want to go to the community library.”
The thought of the lack of the books they had there made her shudder. The librarian sighed, turning to another customer, obviously growing bored of Alice. She stared sadly at the three books that sat on the desk – one on paranormal activity, one on planting and The Invisible Man.
“You can take them out on my card.”
Her head flicked in the direction of the voice and saw an older boy not even looking at her properly. She wasn’t used to speaking to older boys apart from Matt and his friends, so she didn’t even know how to take part in the conversation.
“Oh, no, I can’t do that.” She replied with an awkwardly polite laugh and a shake of a hand.
He finally looked at her and Alice was taken aback by the fact that not only was he an older boy, he was beautiful. She never really had an interest in boys before this, but could always appreciate someone’s beauty and he possessed beauty in abundance.
“No, really, it’s fine.”
He spoke in a low voice, but a little louder than Alice’s whisper.
“No, I mean, that would be against the rules.” She said with slightly raised eyebrows, smiling all the same. “But thank you.”
He smirked at her and the librarian turned away from her computer, speaking in an even tighter whisper than before.
“You are 160 days overdue on this book. The charge is £75.”
There was a silence and Alice looked between this boy and the librarian with great bemusement.
“What?” He said with no attempt at speaking in a low voice now. He laughed. “I just found this in my room and thought I was doing a good thing.”
An uncontrollable giggle left Alice. The librarian gave her a stern look causing Alice to try and get a handle on her laughing, but all she really noted was that the boy was looking at her with equal levels of bemusement. Now she was left with an uncontrollable blush.
Embarrassed at the colour, she pointed at the books, picking them up to return them to their correct places.
As she was placing the last of the books, The Invisible Man, back, she jumped at a face appearing behind the shelf.
“Sorry, sorry, I just wanted to let you know I’ve paid my debt to the library.” Alice smiled, turning her face down and away from him.
“Quite a high price tag for a book. I hope it was worth it.” He let out a small laugh.
“Can I speak to you without the shelf between us?”
They now had less space and shelves between them as Alice walked out the library, not wanting to break any more rules in her little place of worship.
“I’m Jay, by the way. Or JJ, lots of people call me that.” Jay announced when they were outside the library with the sun hitting his face and making it comparable to a statue in an art gallery glistening in the light. She took a breath.
Despite them living in a tiny village, she wasn’t familiar with this older, mysterious boy.
“I’m Alice. You can call me Al, but not many people do.” He laughed at her poor joke and it made her heart beat wildly.
“Like the song?”
Laughter sang between them and she nodded wildly.
“Just like the song.”
let’s hear it for the boy – july 29th
“A boy? A boy!”
All that George received for that was exasperation from Alice.
“Yes, a -,”
“Oh, shut up, George,” Millie hit his arm and turned back to Alice. “Tell us EVERYTHING!”
Normally it was Millie telling them everything about a boy she had met at a party or George privately telling her about his undying love for Millie. There was never anything Alice had to say about other people, it was always about her books or subjects or tea or music. This was so very different and she didn’t even know where to begin.
“Yeah, start with what boy it is.” George continued, rubbing at the spot where Millie had hit him.
“Well, his name is JJ and -,”
“JJ? As in Jay Jhaveri?” George asked, looking more alert.
“You know him?”
“Know him? He is dreamy and so much older than us – Ally, you like an older boy? Where would you have met him? At a party? If you’ve gone to your first ever party without me then I will SCREAM -,”
“Mills -,”
“We met at the library.”
“That day you were supposed to meet us at the library?”
Alice provided George with a sheepish smile, them both knowing now that she had ditched their planned true crime documentary marathon, so she could spend the day with JJ.
“So it’s been two weeks?”
“One week and three days?” Alice responded, carefully trying to sound like she hadn’t keeping track.
“What have you guys done? Are you still a virgin?”
“Millie, heck, of course I am!”
Millie shrugged.
“Being older he’ll want sex sooner than guys our age.” She said matter-of-factly. She turned to George, “How long would you wait?”
“I’ve been waiting 16 years. I’m good at waiting.”
Millie raised her hand as if he had proven her point.
She wondered if Millie was right. ‘Boys’ was not something Alice had any knowledge on. Maybe she should find a book on them.
“Anyway,” She changed the subject, suppressing her fear on how these things worked. “You both know of him? What do you think?”
George filled his air up with cheeks and puffed them out slowly.
“I think this is so cute! You seem like an unlikely couple, but if you like him – we need more details! Spill, spill, spill.” Millie squealed, but Alice kept her eyes focused on George causing Millie to turn and stare at him too. He felt both sets of eyes on him and waved his hands wildly.
“Yeah, well, he is cool, I guess… but he is much older than us? What, like eighteen?”
“Nineteen…” Alice said in a small voice. “Nobody else knows about us right now and I’m only telling you two, because we know about the age gap. When I turn seventeen, which is very soon, then we won’t hide it. He’s just… lovely.”
George eventually nodded.
“Well, if you’re happy.”
i think we’re alone now – august 3rd
They skipped the song by Joy Division and it went to Africa by Toto. They only listened to the happy and silly songs together.
One earphone each.
Her head was resting on his shoulder with his arm wrapped tightly around her. The sun was beating down on them. This was how summer slipped away – in the space between his arm and torso.
“Can I ask you something?” She softly edged her head up so he knew she was listening. “If the rules were different with the library, would I have even stood a chance with you?”
She laughed so much that she shook his chest and then his laughter shook her. That was how they moved, one after the other.
“Maybe in a parallel universe I did get those books and we never even spoke.” She mused softly and he let out a long sigh.
“Oh, I’m glad I live in this universe then.” He shifted slightly, moving to his bag. “I did note though that one of the books was this? Hopefully it was this anyway.”
She pushed herself up to be leaning on her elbow and took The Invisible Man out of his hands.
“I didn’t realise you were paying such close attention…” She stared at the book in amazement.
“Yeah, yeah, you’d think I just wouldn’t remember anything about the day I met you.” She laughed again, feeling suddenly shy and embarrassed.
“I think even in the parallel universe where I get those books, you would still have an overdue book and I would still laugh at you…”
“So I wouldn’t be replaced with a library?”
“Wait, no, nobody replaces a library for me. Libraries are my holy ground, my church, my safe place. All people are second place.” She laughed lightly, leaning back into his chest, feeling something tighten in his body ever so slightly.
“I don’t really have a safe place like that. I guess my flat is now, but it’s not really a home.”
It made Alice feel sad. Very, very sad.
He just wanted a home.
She understood that JJ had a hard life and it was one she would never be able to relate to. She also knew there were rumours about the life he had been leading and company he was keeping, but again she couldn’t relate to that. She did know that the person he was with her was who he was or wanted to be and sometimes people were put in hard positions in life.
She put her hand on his chest and circled the general area of his heart.
“This can always be your safe place. Right in the middle of a field, listening to music and, if you like, being with me.” She looked up at him and watched as his eyes moved to focus on hers. Something told her that the answer touched him.
She could never understand a life as difficult as his, but she wanted him to know an easier life even if it was just when they were together.
drive – august 16th
She had never even touched herself before and now his hand was on her. It felt like pure ecstasy and she didn’t want the feeling to ever end. Eventually her hand was gripping at his shirt and her eyes were closing, the last image of his lovely face in her head, as she moaned out, shaking out the feeling of the joy. Her eyes opened again and she was gasping again.
“What the heck?” She asked all breathy and bewildered. He searched her face, his smile reaching his eyes as he kissed her softly.
“You uh… liked it then?”
She shook her head, still unable to get over the shaking in her toes.
“I… have no words.”
He removed his hand from underneath her summer dress and touched her tingling skin.
“Are you cold?”
“A little.”
He kissed her again and rolled over pulling a sweater out for her. She sat up, pulling it over her head. Another present from him.
He groaned putting his head in his hands as she untucked her hair from it.
“What’s wrong?”
She furrowed her eyebrows in equal parts confusion and amusement.
He peeked out from his hands.
“You have no idea how perfect you look right now. Ugh… I just… I like you in my sweater.”
She laughed.
“I like being in your sweater.”
“I’m sorry, my place does not deserve to have you in it.”
She took his face in her hands and shook her head.
“I’ve told you before, I think it’s charming.”
They stared at each other, their faces so close. It was something they were doing more frequently these days. Staring at each other in intense silences. Whenever they did it Alice was tracing the outline of his features so she could remember them perfectly for when she went to sleep. She liked to think he was doing the same.
“I want to make you feel as good as you made me feel.”
He groaned loudly, breaking all the silence.
“Ah fuck, Al, I’m going to take you home before I get carried away.”
Alice bit down on her smile. She had never spoken like that before and felt suddenly powerful over him. She did really want to make him feel good as well, even though she had no idea how to do that. His reaction made her want to try.
-------------------------------
As they sat in his car, parked around the corner from her house and with the windows all steamed up from them kissing, she was sure nobody would see them.
He pulled away and then moved back in for another kiss and then another and then he finally sat back properly in the driving seat with his hands on the wheel and shook his head.
“You really should go in, because I don’t want to be the guy who keeps you past your curfew.”
“Okay, okay, dad.”
He rested his head on the wheel watching her carefully again and she thought they might fall back into staring at each other, but then he spoke.
“I meant what I said earlier, you know. You’re fucking – I mean, you’re perfect. You’re just an angel and I don’t know what the… heck… what the heck you’re doing with me, but you are.”
“JJ, you’re -,”
“I love you, Alice Banks.”
She stopped and stared right into the face of this beautiful boy and this felt like all the romantic classics she had read and read and now it was happening to her.
“I love you too.”
you can’t hurry love – august 25th
“You want to take it outside?” Matt was in the doorway of her room pretending to punch the air. When she looked up from hurriedly hiding away her lip gloss that she had been applying, she saw he was holding a book in front of him.
“Mmm… I can’t today – I’m going over to Millie’s for this thing.”
Matt let out a low whistle, stepping further into the room.
“You know you’re the world’s worst liar, right?”
Wringing her hands in her lap and then hitting them against her forehead, she nodded.
“I am completely aware of that fact.”
Matt took a seat next to her, almost giddy in his energy.
“Well, I thought I was coming here for a traditional summer afternoon, so you now must pay the price of your secret.”
He spoke in a dramatic voice and ended it with an evil laugh. She rolled her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, she readied herself for telling him the only secret she had ever had to keep.
“Firstly, we just got back from our holiday two days ago, so I am not buying the disappointment,” She took another breath, looking at Matt directly, so it didn’t look like there was any reason to be nervous. “Secondly, I’ve kind of been dating someone this summer and -,”
Matt gasped.
“George?”
Alice’s face contorted into pure confusion.
“What? No?”
“Come on, that’s going to be the natural assumption.”
“Hmm… I don’t see how… Anyway,” She had to ready herself again. “I’m dating this boy called Jay, well, JJ, and he’s -,”
“What?” Matt’s face was now far from being excited about this news. Maybe George was the only acceptable person for Alice in his eyes. “JJ?”
“You know him?”
His face tightened and he took some time to reply.
“I know of him. He’s the guy who hangs around Owen Summers?” He put his head in his hands and sighed.
Alice did know that he was friends with him as she had looked at his Instagram and there was that time when her Dad was driving her back from Millie’s one night and she saw JJ and Owen in a car. She had noticed him immediately and he looked like a completely different person to the one she knew from summer walks and bedroom talks, but then he saw her and softened around the edges. She smiled at him then and he did the same, getting softer still.
“How did you even get caught up in that?”
She looked down into her lap, feeling small all of a sudden.
“And how old is he?”
“I’m going to be turning seventeen in a week; it’s only a two year difference.”
“Yeah, sure, that makes it all fine!”
Alice shook her head at Matt getting up from the bed in anger.
“Matt, he’s a good person, no, a great person. Just because he has a few bad friends doesn’t make him a bad person – he’s not like that. I love him and I thought you would be able to trust my judgment. Have I ever been wrong about someone before?” She stopped, pleading with her eyes, imploring Matt to respect her decision. “Do you know something about him?”
Matt sighed, turning away from her and then immediately coming back, kneeling at her feet.
“No, no, I don’t, I just -,”
“Then listen to me.” She spoke with a firmness that she was sure Matt wasn’t used to hearing from her unless they were in a heated political debate and it was never directed at him.
He nodded his head slowly.
“I will, I trust you.” He softened, pulling her in for a hug. “Come on, you know it’s my job to protect you.”
love will tear us apart – august 30th
She walked up to JJ in the playground that surprisingly didn’t have any children in it despite it being a hot day. There was an unshakable giddiness in her stomach at all of this. It was the first time they were meeting in daylight so close to possible people who could see them. How could she not think of their future together and how this could be them all the time? It was almost her birthday and she was hoping he would come to the celebration with George, Millie and her family.
He was sat in the swings as she practically skipped up to him.
“Hello, beautiful,” She giggled, delicately taking one of his hands. Suddenly she felt very shy being in public with him.
“Uh…” He looked up at her and her face immediately changed to one of concern.
“What’s wrong?”
There was a silence that could have lasted a little while longer for Alice. In the silence, he was still hers.
“I need to talk to you.” She let go of his hand and took a step back. How could she not see this coming? “I just… I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
It didn’t make sense.
There could be so many reasons why he would want to end it or the reasons why he couldn’t possibly want to end it, but she could only think of one.
“You said you loved me -,”
She was already crying.
“I didn’t mean it.”
She exhaled sharply. He wasn’t looking at her. There was nothing else she needed to hear from him.
He didn’t mean it.
With tears she didn’t try to wipe away, she turned and stormed off. He didn’t deserve to hear anything else from her and she didn’t deserve to be lied to by him.
“Alice, I -,”
At the faint sound of his voice calling after her, she walked faster so she couldn’t hear what he was trying to say.
It was a surprise for Alice to receive a text from JJ to meet. She hadn’t expected him to reach out to her and thought she would have to be chasing him again in order to get more information. Maybe he realise he told her too much or too little in order to make himself look suspicious, because he did. He looked so suspicious right now to her. However her stomach still did flips not just because she was going to find out more about whether he did the unthinkable or not, but because she still had painful feelings for him and seeing him hurt regardless of a potential murder.
They were meeting in the park after dark. She kept a key sharp in the space between the fingers, but as soon as she saw JJ was already there waiting for her on a swing, she released the key - something told her still that she was safe around him. It was why she didn’t tell anyone where she was going at 9pm, why she didn’t say who she was seeing and why she just went, no questions asked. She trusted her safety with him. That and her painful feelings for him were the only things she trusted about him now.
“Hi,” She approached quietly, alerting him he was there with her muffled greeting. She joined him on the swings, focusing on moving herself forwards and backwards a little instead of her wildly beating heart. “I agreed to this because I have things to ask you about as well. You start though. Why did you want to meet?”
Alice stared at her ever-growing suspect mindmap. In the middle of her sheet it said ‘MATT’, but all the suspects had a photo attached to their name. She would fall to pieces if she used a photo of Matt, especially if she used the one that local newspapers and TV news stations were using of Matt, because that was cut out from a family portrait they had done when Matt graduated from university. She didn’t want the personal connection to creep in on this level of professionalism she was trying to keep. Everyone else had a photo though to let her see the faces of potential murderers.
OWEN - the obvious suspect. Proof that he saw Matt the night of his murder and potentially the last person to have seen him. All of this also took place at the place his dead body was found. However, already arrested and released on account of an alibi. It had to be a tight alibi for him to be released with all that evidence. She had heard the alibi was Charlie and it wasn’t enough for Charlie to be on this list, but she was a person of interest in this case.
JJ - naturally JJ came next. She drew another line between JJ and Owen. He worked with Owen and if the issues between Owen and Matt were drug-related then surely JJ was embroiled in this. He was lying about the bruises and she suspected that JJ also saw Matt that night. Maybe with Owen. Maybe before or after. After their last conversation, she had him down as the main suspect. In fact he might have a bigger motive than Owen due to the secret connection between her and JJ and therefore Matt. It made Jane a person of interest as well. What did she know?
MILLIE - she was secretly seeing Matt. He was cheating on Evie and even though Alice knew very little about the situation, she still knew in her heart that Matt would never leave Matt for Millie. Maybe Millie knew that too or found out on the night and thought if she couldn’t have him then nobody else could. Despite the fact she never wanted to speak to Millie again, she knew she would have to find out more about it.
GEORGE - it pained her to include his name on this list more than anyone else. He admitted he knew about Millie and Matt before he died. It was a fact that George loved Millie more than a friend and to find out that secret would have broken him. What could a broken man do? She had to dig deeper.
EVIE - by coming to Alice to say she knew about the cheating before Matt died, she automatically made herself a suspect. The most obvious motive was to be a scorned woman and Evie scorned was something vicious. If she had known about Millie before Matt’s death then would it be her dead and not Matt now? Further prodding would be required.
The murder board was encouraging. Not much information, but a lot of questions she knew how to answer that would lead to more important questions.
She had invited Amelia over as she realised she had a lot of information that she hadn’t filled Amelia in on and it was time to lift some of the weight of knowing all this information herself. Amelia had proven to be quite helpful with her connection to Owen and she was the perfect person to bounce ideas off. Normally George would be that person for her, but he was on the list. Until he was ruled out then he couldn’t be a part of these very secret meetings.
She heard a knock at the door and hurried up as she knew her parents would not be rushing to answer it. They were too in pain to be rushed into any tasks. She threw a pillow and blanket over her murder board, as if her parents might stumble upon it in the two minutes she was out of the room.
“So I have something to show you -,” She started with urgency on opening the front door, but then there was something in Amelia’s face that told her to stop. A pain that she was used to and maybe a slight discolouring around her cheeks. She listened to her intuition and held a hand out delicately. “Are you okay?”
The last person Alice would have expected to see hanging around outside her house in the evening light as the rain started to fall was Evie, but there she was. As if this made her start to feel the rain for the first time, she ran up her drive to the porch. She removed her hood and stared at Evie with confusion in her eyes, but sadness sitting in her mouth, waiting to spill.
Evie just stared back blankly, knowing the fact she had waited here for thirty minutes already meant she should have more determination to speak, but she didn’t. A day had passed since she had spoken to Robin, but she didn’t feel any more of sure of what she needed to speak to Alice about.
“Hi,” She said in the smallest voice, moving to unlock the door. “Do you want to come in?”
“Are your parents in?” Evie asked quickly. Alice’s hand hovered at the handle and she squinted, thinking hard.
“I don’t actually know, but the lights are off...” She didn’t say anything else, as this might mean they were in bed, not wanting to be awake in this world right now.
Evie scrunched up her forehead, knowing that wasn’t a good enough answer. There was no world where she wanted Matt’s parents knowing anything about Matt other than he was a wonderful person. She didn’t even want to burst the bubble for Alice, but she was running out of options.
“Can we - can we just stay here then?” Alice’s eyes widened, but she ultimately nodded and dropped her school bag to the floor. The rain was starting to make a noise. They stood on opposite ends of her small porch, Alice leaning against the wet fence and Evie just stood still, fiddling in her bag.
This was one of the only conversations where Evie and Alice hadn’t been asked if they were okay as they both knew there was no point asking a question you already knew the answer to.
Evie removed the cardigan and held it tightly in her hands. Memories of Alice wearing this cardigan didn’t exist and so she already knew the answer, but this time it felt appropriate to ask a question she knew the answer to.
Alice didn’t know the question that was coming, but as soon as she realised who the cardigan belonged to, she had to stare hard at the rain outside instead. No question that was asked could make this okay.
“I just finished my shift at work, so thought you might be back from school.” Alice didn’t say anything, knowing that the question was coming soon. “Anyway, Matt told me this was your cardigan and I just wanted to ch-check. Is it?”
Alice was grateful for the rain that was stuck to her face, because maybe, just maybe, Evie wouldn’t be able to see that her eyes were watering already.
What Evie said meant so many things to Alice. Too many things.
Matt was pretending it was her cardigan? Using her to cover up for his cruelty? It made her sick.
The whole thing made her sick. What was she supposed to say to Evie? She couldn’t say the truth and she didn’t want to lie. She was stuck in an impossible equation and no book or lesson could prepare her for this dilemma.
She turned back to stare at the cardigan that was covered in burns and tears as if it embodied the damage that Matt and Millie had caused. There was nothing else Alice wanted to do in that moment more than tell Evie the truth. She could tell her that she only found out yesterday and that she didn’t want to see Millie any more and that she was a suspect now and so was George and maybe so was Evie if she suspected that he was cheating, but maybe Evie was asking this question innocently and just wanted to return her cardigan and -
She shook her head.
“It’s not mine,” She inhaled deeply, feeling the anticipation radiating out of Evie’s hungry eyes.
“I haven’t seen it before.”
She did the thing that felt the most middle-of-the-road thing to do. She couldn’t lie and say it was hers, but she couldn’t also say it was Millie’s. And maybe that showed after all this, she would still protect the living over the dead.
Evie exhaled. Alice’s honesty was one of her good traits and so that was that. Maybe she would never know, but she knew now, for sure, that Matt lied to her that night and he died with the truth in his mouth. She hated whoever did this for not allowing her to find it out first.
“Okay, I... thank you,” And then something remarkable happened to Evie - she became soft. She threw her head in her hands and felt herself fall apart through tears and pain.
It took Alice a moment to react as she was so taken aback to see Evie display emotion like this, but then she moved towards her, wrapping her arms around her as she continued to sob in her hands.
“I miss him too,” Alice said, knowing her tears were mixing with the rain on her face now. Evie looked up, nodding her head a little and then shaking it again.
“But I hate him. I hate him for not being here to tell me what was going on.”
And even though Alice silently moved Evie up the list of suspects with that sentence, she felt Evie was the first person who felt exactly how she felt right now and this was more comfort than she could have wished for.
Amelia couldn’t help but notice Alice stumble over her words a bit, which made her feel even worse for bringing Matt and the drugs up. “Right, yeah. Of course.” She offered a reassuring smile and then sighed. “Yeah, it’s not exactly the same, but my Mum and Dad hid a lot from me when I was little. They kept Finn from me for a long time, and I still wonder if they would have even told me if he hadn’t come back into my Dad’s life.”
She wished there was a way to quicken this entire process and figure out who did it for the sake of Alice getting closure, but of course it wouldn’t be that easy. So, she could simply make herself available to help Alice as much as possible now. “It just all seems too suspicious not to at least look a little more into, right? Do you think you’ll talk to him again? Like I said, I can try to bring it up to Owen, but he seems to be quite quiet about everything that doesn’t directly involve him, so I don’t know how useful it’d be.” Amelia sighed and thought hard about what JJ’s motive could be, her only thought was Alice, but she felt bad for mentioning that. After a moment of quiet between the two girls, Amelia decided to speak up. “How did your brother feel about JJ? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but maybe that could be a motive? It’s just a thought though.” She felt guilty the moment the words left her mouth, and immediately attempted to backpedal. “I’m sorry Alice, I didn’t mean to suggest that… I just want to help, and that’s the only thing that came to mind. But it’s probably nothing.”
Amelia was relieved when Alice shared her laugh, though she didn’t know quite why she felt so relieved to have convinced Alice that nothing was happening between her and Owen - nothing was happening, so the convincing wasn’t necessary, it was just fact. Right? She returned Alice’s smile, it felt nice to see her smile amidst all of the pressure that Amelia knew she must be facing. “I guess you’re right, that’s a really nice way to look at it.” Amelia returned Alice’s smile, hoping that her gratefulness would shine through. “Thanks, Alice.” She looked down for a moment. “You know, sometimes when people hide things from you, it’s because they think it’s what’s best for you, to protect you. I think that’s what my parents tried to do with Finn and maybe that’s what Matt tried to do, too. It doesn’t make it right, but it means they care, right? That they love you.”
Alice was grateful for Amelia just simply accepting the confused sentence that had left her before and moving on in subject matter. “I don’t think many people have exactly the same experiences in life, but I would say you know better than most how I feel right now about secrets.” Wise people say that people come and go from your life to serve their purpose whether it is to give you something good or to teach you something by being bad. She knew that her friendship with Amelia had come at exactly the right time to help her through this. Of course, she had George and Millie, but Amelia was someone she knew she needed right now for things like being able to relate to things she was only just discovering.
Alice nodded slowly at Amelia’s question and as she continued to speak about Owen, knowing that yes, she would definitely need to speak to JJ again. “I don’t know how helpful it will be, but yes, I have to try.” The dried mud beneath her feet had been getting her attention when Amelia asked the next question about her brother and JJ. It startled her to look back up, but ultimately she shook her wildly and looked back down. If Matt had any feelings towards JJ at all then that meant that he actually knew about her and JJ. That couldn’t be the case. They had been more than careful to ensure nobody found out. “I don’t think Matt had any feelings towards JJ. The only time I think they would have interacted is through drugs.”
An honest and warm smile spread on Alice’s face as Amelia thanked her. Today had been the best day since Matt and so maybe things could get better, or easier, at least. She wanted to keep Amelia close. The idea that Matt could have just been protecting her and maybe... maybe he was hurting a lot before he died and he didn’t want to worry her. It made her want to find out what was hurting him before he died. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, not wanting to cry right now. “Thank you,” She breathed and then looked at the crossroads set out between them, they went on different routes around the trail. “Let’s go this way.” She didn’t know where it would take them, but you just had to keep moving.
Amelia frowned and looked over at Alice, reaching out to touch her arm reassuringly. “I’m sorry Alice, I didn’t mean to bring it back up… I know how hard it is to think you know someone like the back of your hand just to find out they’ve hidden things from you.” She gave a small, hopefully reassuring smile before she removed her hand and looked ahead once more, her thoughts momentarily going to her Dad. She’d looked up to him so much when she was little, her Mum too, and then when she realized they’d lied to her about Finn, she could never look at them in quite the same way again. Amelia’s eyebrows furrowed and she shook her head. “No, he didn’t mention anyone else. He did say something about there being consequences for not paying back money you owe, but if anything that just makes the entire thing seem more suspicious, I guess… That doesn’t mean JJ couldn’t have come after he left to settle things, though. Especially since he was so vague with you, maybe he was telling the truth about meeting up with someone, but just lied about the day it actually happened?”
Amelia nodded with a relieved smile, the last thing she needed right now was Nate finding out she was even remotely communicating with Owen or involved in Matt’s case at all. The smile was quickly replaced by raised eyebrows and an insistent head shake. Her? With Owen? In what world would that make any sense? A small disbelieving giggle left her mouth. “No. No, it’s not like that. I have Nate and he has Charlie.” She sighed and shrugged. “It feels dumb to admit out loud, it’s just… My parents have always talked about the importance in seeing the good in people and for the longest time I wholeheartedly believed them, until I got older and found out they had been keeping Finn from me as this big secret. When that happened I realized that maybe they weren’t as good as I thought they were and I lost a bit of that hope that everyone has good in them… I guess I just thought if I could help Owen and prove that he’s not this terrible person, then it would be the proof I needed to see that my parents were right. It almost felt like a challenge or mission to beat in a way, and it’s felt nice to at least try to help someone who needs it.” Amelia smiled sadly and looked ahead once again. “I don’t know how much I’ve succeeded in proving it anyway, but I’ve tried my best.”
With a little bit of control left in her body, she stopped her defence mechanisms crashing as that would have led to snapping at Amelia who had done nothing wrong at all. She nodded once with a tight smile, not a smile at all just a disguise of her pain over not knowing everything about Matt. “It was - it’s only one thing, so it’s really... you know, it’s fine. Do you know? You said you know what it’s like?” George and Millie were the only people still alive who would know her unable to speak a sentence correctly meant she was feeling awkward, anxious or uncomfortable.
Speaking with Amelia just made one more thing clear to her - she would have to speak to JJ again at some point. He had lied to her. He had lied several times throughout their relationship, but now he was lying about even more important stuff - her brother and his death. Even though she needed him to put some lies straight, the main thing was figuring out something else entirely. “I think he’s definitely lying about that. With Owen we both felt there wasn’t a strong enough motive, what would be JJ’s? Maybe... if he did have something to do with it then I’m missing something from the story - what is his motive?” There must be something linking Matt and JJ together and she didn’t want to say it was her, but what else could it be? She prayed for it not to be JJ or if it was for it to do with something, or someone, else entirely. She felt sick.
Alice returned Amelia’s laugh as she explained it wasn’t like that and made it sound like a ridiculous notion. It sounded believable, but you never knew how people really felt. Alice would say in confident tones that she and JJ would never happen again, but the truth was if the possibility presented itself then what would she actually do? She would never be sure, just like she could never be sure of what other people feel. Feelings were always difficult to determine and that’s why she stuck to her books.
“That must have been really hard with Finn and that would obviously change your viewpoint on things.” She stopped, just realising herself as she spoke to Amelia, but gave her a reassuring smile as if she had been thinking it for a while. “I think it might make us quite similar. Something happening to change your family forever and it might change how we feel about things, but...” She continued to smile, but she didn’t know how true this next point was. “I think there is good in everyone even if the bad outweighs the good, there’s still a bit of good in everyone.”
George could have sat there the rest of the day just smiling with Alice. He could see the sadness in her eyes, it hadn’t left since the day Matt died, but he could also sense that the smile was genuine and because of that, his was too. It felt significant - George was still the person capable of making his best friend smile even in her darkest days, and he would always be that for her. Then her hand rested on his and the guilt resurfaced. He wanted to live in that moment of smiling, or any moment similar to it that had happened months ago - before everything had become so complicated. Still, he laughed with a knowing nod. “Well… Yeah. But they don’t care, do you Madame Tea?” He held the mug up to his ear, giving a pleased nod as if listening to the cup speak. “She says ‘go for it, Georgie,’ and I’m not going to disobey the tea, Al. She also sends deep condolences to my tongue and subsequent burnt taste buds.”
George felt completely lost as Alice stood from the table, his mouth gaping open and eyes wide in despair. Still, he repeated the mantra in his head - this was the right thing to do, she needed to hear it from you. “I - I know I have Al. I can’t apologize for what Millie did, but I can apologize for keeping it from you. I -”
He froze as she spoke again. It was his job, and he’d failed miserably. He had been a shitty best friend and Alice really had no reason to ever forgive him. George’s eyes teared up when Alice turned to him again. The truth was, he would always choose Alice - it might take him months to get there, but she was always ever present in his decision-making, whether it was questioning if she would agree or disagree with something he’d done, wondering if a joke he’d made to someone else would have the same effect on her, seeing a meme or something ridiculous in a shop that reminded him of her - she was in his heart always. He didn’t reveal this though, he couldn’t, not now. Not when he’d just broken her trust completely. He just shook his head blankly, not failing to notice the tear streaking his cheek. “I know… I should have. I can’t take it back, Al, but I would do anything to be able to. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you sooner, I just - I don’t know.” He choked back tears and shook his head. “You’re my best friend, Al. It’s always been you and me, you know? Before Millie, before college. And I guess I just lost sight of that, and I should have told you the moment Millie told me. You’ve always been there for me and supported me and you needed the same from me and I royally messed that up. I’m so sorry.” He pulled his hand into his jacket sleeve and wiped at his eyes.
Alice played along with his one-man show, gasping with mock disbelief at the tea talking to him. “Georgie? You really have developed a fast friendship with Madame Tea.” She rolled her eyes, playfully - something she wasn’t really used to doing anymore. Being playful. It felt like something she would never experience again, but here she was being playful and for a moment it felt like she would become normal Alice again. One day.
The words George was saying should have made a difference in how she felt now, but it didn’t change anything. He didn’t know just what this all meant to her, to Matt. She continued to stare at him, shaking her head with gritted teeth and puckered lips as if something sour had hit her tongue - as if his revelation fell on her tongue instead of her ears. “You don’t know, but if you told me sooner...” She sniffed hard, trying to not let her tears stop her from saying the ultimate truth about this situation. “If you told me sooner, then maybe he would still be here. What if he’s dead, because of him and Millie.” She couldn’t and wouldn’t hear what he was saying about their friendship and how he was sorry, she just wasn’t ready for that. She shrugged on the sleeves of her jumper, so she could wipe at her eyes with them. They were silently wiping at their eyes with their sleeves, metres apart. She turned away from looking at him and spoke as carefully and controlled as she could, but every now and then, a single word would break from the choking of her tears. “I don’t want to talk to you right now,” It was the most sensible thing she could say right then, “But if you really mean what you said, then you tell Millie that I never want to talk to her or see her again and you make sure she doesn’t come here.” She turned to stare George right in the eye just to make sure that had sunk in for him. “Okay?”
Millie offered her best friend a reassuring smile, nodding. “You’re right, I think it is.” Her smile quickly turned to a frown, it hurt her heart watching Alice grapple with all of this and not knowing what to say to ease her sadness. She reached her hands out to lay over top of Alice’s, taking them in her grip and squeezing them. “Oh Ally, don’t say that… Don’t get me wrong, JJ has been an absolute idiot in all of this, and I hate him for it, but I also believe that everything that you had over the Summer was one thousand percent real. I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem fair to you for this to all boil down to sex.” She sighed and shook her head. “And even if it may be true and that is what happened, you shouldn’t feel stupid. The only moron in this situation is JJ, for letting someone as amazing and smart and caring as you slip through his grip.” She caught herself before she made an offhand comment about sex not being all that it’s made out to be, though it would have been a lie anyway. Matt had been Millie’s first and only, and it was everything she’d expected it to be and more, the thought was enough to make her lip quiver in sadness.
“Well six years really isn’t that much in the grand scheme of things, is it? Nick Jonas and Priyanka are ten years apart, Jay-Z and Beyonce? Twelve. Age is but a number my sweet, sweet, Alice.” It wasn’t about the age, though. Alice said this, Millie knew this. The faintest grimace plagued Millie’s face at the mention of Matt, it had been easy enough to turn her attention to Jack when she lost Matt, and until this point she had been able to manage her emotions about the situation when she needed to - namely around Alice. But now, as she sat in front of her best friend, the little sister of the guy she had loved and pined after since she was a child, she could only hide behind this new infatuation for his best friend for so long. She took a deep breath to cover these thoughts and sat up straighter, wanting to continue on about how it really wasn’t that odd for her to be interested in Jack, but stopping herself as she heard Alice’s tone change. She paused then, nodding solemnly at Alice’s point over the speech. She only paused on the thought of how she would react in a similar situation for a moment, hating the deep pit she felt in her stomach at the idea of ever losing Alice or George. “Yes. You’re right.” Millie shook her head and sighed, looking down at the satin pillow that laid across her lap and smoothing it with her hands. “I’m sorry, Ally.” The words left Millie’s mouth softly and quietly. Alice would never know the depth of this statement - how this apology wasn’t just about Jack, in fact, it wasn’t about him at all. If only it were that simple, if the only thing Millie had done to betray Alice was develop a crush on her older brother’s best friend. No. This was more than that. Alice couldn’t know that though, and Millie needed to keep it that way. She reached her hand out for Alice’s once more and squeezed it, remaining quiet.
It felt nice knowing she had someone who would stick up for her with the JJ situation no matter what, because there were always going to be strangers at school who would ask ‘did you really date JJ?’ and laugh if she suggested they were correct and the way JJ would look at her in public as if she was a stranger and the way Jane would look at her like she wasn’t a stranger, but an annoying little fly. It was easy for her to forget that her and JJ was something that really happened and was beautiful for her. “Thank you, Mills... I guess I just have to learn to separate the Summer and JJ. They aren’t the same, not really.” She nodded once to Millie to confirm she was okay and she squeezed her hands back. “And I’m glad I didn’t have, you know, sex with him. I don’t think I’m really ready for that.” She didn’t know the first thing about having sex really. JJ had put his hand under her shirt a lot and once he had put that hand lower and that whole experience caused her to try and masturbate for the first time. Once she had even touched his jeans when they lay together and she was shocked, yet slightly thrilled, by what she found.
Alice shook her head, a strange smirk on her face despite herself. “I don’t care if you date guys five, ten, fifteen years older than you, although I personally find it weird, but not until you’re older. You’re not even officially an adult yet.” She was content with Millie not expanding on what she thought about Jack and his speech at the memorial. The whole point of Alice coming here tonight was to escape her eternal sadness over Matt with a silly sort of sadness that was JJ. She didn’t want to talk about anything relating to Matt. She shrugged and gifted Millie with a sad smile. The sort she was used to wearing now so as not to make people feel uncomfortable with her grief. “You don’t have to be sorry,” She said, before sitting more upright with a sudden burst of energy. “Can we please just watch a sappy romantic comedy or something, and eat a lot of bad sweets?”
Amelia hesitated at Alice’s questioning over Owen’s possible motive - how could she tell Alice that her brother was apparently this terrible person with a serious drug problem? She couldn’t know, could she? Amelia had grown used to keeping secrets, it had become the basis of her relationship, did she really want that to become the basis of this friendship as well? So, she sighed with a shrug. “I know it sounds bad… He was explaining to me how often Matt bought drugs, I guess to explain why he even spoke to him in that spot on that night in the first place? But Owen knew it could be a motive, so he wouldn’t have said it if he actually had anything to hide, or I don’t think he would, anyway.” Amelia was surprised to hear that JJ hadn’t shared more with Alice, especially in contrast to Owen who had much less history with Amelia and decided to open up to her quite easily - not without her own secrets coming to light, though. She nodded. “I don’t know who else it could be but Owen, doesn’t JJ work for him?”
Amelia was nervous about how Alice might react to her involvement in tampering with evidence, she was half-prepared for Alice to turn and walk away, and for that to be the end of things. So, when Alice took Amelia’s hands in hers and reassured her, she gave a grateful smile and nodded. It felt nice to be able to discuss all of this information that had been weighing on her mind with Alice, and it felt even better to have her support in helping defend Owen. They continued walking and Amelia let out a small laugh and shrugged, thinking about Owen’s reaction to her help. “If he is, he has a funny way of showing it,” She looked over at Alice with a small smile. “Half the time I’m with him he just complains about me trying to help in the first place. I don’t think he needs my help anymore anyway, he has an alibi for that night with his girlfriend, so it should be sorted soon… But if I see him again I’ll try to bring it up to see if he says anything about JJ. I have no idea if it’ll work though, I think all he really cares about is getting his name cleared.” She glanced over at Alice nervously as they continued walking. “And Alice… I feel ridiculous for even asking this, but, you won’t tell anyone about me helping Owen, right? If it got back to Nate, he’d-” Amelia stopped herself from revealing the real answer to what he’d do and just shook her head before quietly adding. “I just don’t want it to hurt his feelings that I’ve hidden something like this from him.” She gave Alice a weak smile and absentmindedly tugged on the sleeve of her sweater, turning her attention back to the path in front of them.
A week ago Alice didn’t even know that Matt did drugs and now it turned out ‘just drugs’ was actually ‘a lot of drugs’. The perfect image she had painted of Matt in her head was smudged around the edges now, nothing to hang up in an art gallery, but still something she would hang up in her house with a sense of pride. She worried the further down this rabbit hole she went, the more things she would find out that would ruin that painting forever, but still, she kept crawling deeper down it. “I didn’t even know Matt did drugs before any of this... I just wish I knew that’s all, that he had told me about it.” She sighed heavily but shrugging off that feeling nevertheless. “That makes sense why Owen told you anyway. It sounds like he’s been pretty honest with you.” And why? JJ was unable to be straight with her and they had a whole relationship together. It made her even more certain that he had more to hide. “Yeah, he does. He could have gone to see Matt after Owen - doing something to Matt to cover for Owen? Did Owen even mention JJ in his story?”
Alice offered Amelia a smile as she continued to speak about Owen and her helping him. “Well, he should be.” She wondered if it would be over for Owen soon, sometimes even with an alibi, it didn’t mean you were in clear unless there was more than enough evidence with the alibi. Also, if Owen was going to be in the clear, then who would be the next target? When the favour was asked of Alice, the unanswered questions she had about Amelia and Owen had to come out. “I would never have a reason to speak to Nate and even if I did, I wouldn’t tell him a thing.” She smiled reassuringly before a small giggle left her. “I have to ask though... is there another reason why you’ve been helping Owen? Do you like him or something? I mean, you said it was a long story.”
