Alice in Brexitland

[aliceinbrexitland]

Drink Me I’m Sugar Free

As Alice sighed with despair she felt in her pocket a sudden weight and she put her hand inside and she found a little bottle in it, (`which certainly was not here before,' said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters. It was all very well to say `Drink me,' but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. `No, I'll look first,' she said, `and see whether it's marked “contains sugar" or not'; for she had read several nice little recent daily mail articles about children who had reached unpleasant and untimely ends, all because they would not remember the simple mantra’s Mr J. Hunt and his department of Hell had taught them: 

“Be rich or don’t get sick”, 

“Poverty is the hypochondriac’s disease of choice”,

and, most importantly and quite rightly: 

“Do we need doctors these days? Doctor google say you don’t.”

However, this bottle was NOT marked `contains sugar,' so Alice ventured to taste it, “ and anyway” said Alice “It’s far too prettily wrapped to possibly be bad for me” and finding it very nice, she very soon finished it off. :”Ooo” said Alice as she began to feel light headed and she laughed hysterically “Everything looks so strange!” she giggled and she staggered about the room knocking over two phone boxes! Alice shut her eyes as the world spun and when she opened them she found herself on a tube platform.

[aliceinbrexitland]

Drink Me

[aliceinbrexitland]

The Abandoned Phonebank

She was close behind it when she turned the corner, but the Average Voter was no longer to be seen: she found herself in a long, low hall, which was lit up by the glow from red phone boxes which filled the hall but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every phone box she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out of the hallway.

Suddenly she came upon a little coalition styled table, made of fractured glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny rusty key, and Alice's first thought was that it might belong to one of the locks on one of the phone boxes of the hall! Despite the locks being of various sizes the key fitted all. And so Alice went around the hall unlocking all the doors: 

“Perhaps the phones will work…” Said Alice picking up the phone only to discover that the phone was “liberally out of service”. “Hardly unexpected” she sighed before moving onto the next phone box “Hello” said a voice 

“Hello” Said Alice “I’m stuck, down the Votehole’ 

“Ah well, so long as you remember to vote, that is all that matters.” 

“But how can I vote when I’m stuck down here?”

“The party line is that everything, is fine” 

“Yes, but-“

“You’re a sensible girl aren’t you?”

“Yes” Said Alice but without conviction

“Well it’s all En Vogue you know, this administration, we want you to have what you need.” 

“Yes but-“

“The Jam, the shoes, everything En Vogue should be yours you know, well, if you vote the correct way that is” 

“Yes, that’s lovely but-“ 

“Anyway I must go, votes to gather, you know” 

“But I-“ 

The dial tone sounded blandly once the voice had hung up.

“How strange” said Alice “What a load of far gone jargon” 

[aliceinbrexitland]

The Canvas Phone Bank

[aliceinbrexitland]

Bottom of the Votehole

When suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of metro newspapers, and the fall was over. Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before her was another long passage, and the Average Voter was still in sight, hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Alice like the wind off the Thames at the entrance to London bridge Station, and was just in time to hear it say, as it turned a corner, `Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!'

[aliceinbrexitland]

Alice lands at the bottom of the Votehole upon a pile of Metros. Lost Ideals.

[aliceinbrexitland]

J.A.M.

Either the Votehole was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the hole, and noticed that they were covered in voting ballots but they were all empty. “Oh,” Said Alice “Of course the votehole would be filled with all the wasted votes.” As she continued to fall she notice that there were also cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs.

J.A.M She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labelled J.A.M. “but what type of Jam?” Thought Alice to herself and then as if in answer of her question another jar appeared labeled “Just about J.A.M” “Well, if it’s only just about Jam I shan’t have anything to do with it.” Said Alice wrinkling up her nose “For I’m only interested in real Jam, that’s the sort that deserves it’s bread and butter”. The jar of JAM was heavy and making Alice fall significantly faster so she quickly disposed of it.

`Well!' thought Alice to herself taking out her phone and pulling a pretend frightened face `after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of taking an extreme selfie now! How brave they'll all think me at home!” Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end! `I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?' she said aloud.

Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Alice soon began talking again. `Dinah'll miss me very much to-night, I should think!' (Dinah was the cat, who was becoming quite an instakitty these days.) `I hope they'll remember to post a photo of her lapping up her saucer of milk at tea-time. Dinah my dear! I wish you were down here with me! What an excellent selfie that would make!’ And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, in a dreamy sort of way, she felt that she was dozing off without the continual ping of updates on her phone, for down the vote hole there was no signal. She had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with Dinah, and saying to her very earnestly, `Now, Dinah, tell me the truth: did you ever take a selfie?'

[aliceinbrexitland]

Down The Vote Hole

[aliceinbrexitland]

The Average Voter

[aliceinbrexitland]

The Average Voter

So she was considering her own mind (as well as she could, for the warm tube journey  to get to the poling station had made her feel very sleepy and stupid) how long it would take to get to the front of the queue and therefore, how long she had left to decide on who to vote for, when suddenly she noticed the Average voter with all his normalities at the front of the queue. 

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the Average voter say to itself, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!” (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Average voter actually took a watch out of its waistcoat - pocket, and looked at it, and then hurried on towards the booth, Alice started for it had flashed across her mind that she had never before seen the actual Average Voter with either a waistcoat- pocket, or a watch to take out of it.

“If I knew what the Average Voter was voting for, that would be incredibly helpful” thought Alice “I could pop along and ask him or even glance at his ballot if I sneak into the booth after him.”

She stepped forward, squeezing past the other members of the queue who were waiting patiently in line whispering “excuse me” as she went. The suited queue let her squeeze past, mostly because they had never been queue jumped before and were taken quite by surprise. Alice was fortunate enough to get to the front just in time to see the Average Voter step into one of the private booths and behind a curtain, behind her a line of scowls and frowns stretched, not that she had noticed.

The usher dealt with the complaints from those Alice had queue jumped in front of, whipping out his complaints file and opening it in the hope to avoid a riot Alice stepping in after the Average Voter. However instead of finding the true answer to the question of the vote Alice found herself falling down the Votehole. Down went Alice after the Average Voter, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again. 

The Votehole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep Votehole.

[aliceinbrexitland]

Going to Vote, Bank in Line

[aliceinbrexitland]

Chapter 1. Going to Vote

Alice was beginning to get very tired of queuing at the poling station near to Bank tube, and of having nothing to do as she couldn’t get any signal: once of twice she had peeped at the Banklishman’s iPhone who stood beside her in the queue but it was all very dull, having no snapchat or angry birds in it, “and what is the use of a phone,” thought Alice with a scowl “without snapchat or angry birds? He only has his emails and the bbc app.”

“Excuse me” she asked the man beside her “May I ask who it is you are voting for and why?” “Vote for the conservatives” he said loudly “For they shall conserve your money” “But I haven’t any money” said Alice with a frown, “well except my pocket money but thats not very much.” “No money?” said the Banklishman “how can you not have any money? What a strange state to be in. Are you homeless as well?” “No.” Said Alice “I’ve just finished my A Levels and I don’t know what to vote for… I tried to read a book about it all but it was awfully dull and the news didn’t really make any sense, they assume you already know everything that has already happened and it is so very unpleasant to look at all those people, they are all so unhappy all the time. If you go on youtube they have videos of kittens. I also tried to watch PM question time but all they did was shout and shout and interrupt and belittle one another. And anyway I had my Second As to study for so I hadn't much time to do the research.” “Perhaps you shouldn’t vote at all?” “But it’s my right to vote. So one should, shouldn’t one? Do the right thing?” “Life is less about doing the right thing and more about just…getting on.” He smiled politely “Now I must email. I’m chained to it you know, the global markets, well, they never sleep.” “but it does keep on turning” thought Alice pensively, “perhaps if it were still flat then we wouldn’t have to keep bending over backwards to converse with L.A and Japan. But then, perhaps not” she sighed as the queue shuffled forward, just a little.

[aliceinbrexitland]

The Brexit of London

Adults In Wonderland

[aliceinbrexitland]

Brave New World

ALL In the grey filled afternoon Full leisurely we vote; For all our rights, with little thought, We barely do take note. While politicians make vain attempts Our love from us to coax.

Ah, Brexit Three! Such lies were told To all who live in despair Man with cigar and pint of bitter Face like a toad with not a care Yet what can the centre ground achieve Against such liars with their snares?

Anon, unexpected racism won, All the re-moaners mope. The dream-child moving through a land Of Western dream and hope, In bewildered chat with MPs- Noosed by their own rope.

Thus grows the tale of Brexitland. Thus quickly, one by one, These discords were played out - but it’s tale is not yet done, The past is not a place to find, In our apocalyptic times.

Alice! a childish story take, And with angry hand Lay it were Childhood’s hopes were twined In Memory’s drifting sands, Evils our future does become, Dystopia now, our current land…

[aliceinbrexitland]

Invitation to vote from The May Queen