This is a dear diary post, and I hope this small corner of the internet is a safe place to talk… why am I posting it online and not just writing in a journal? Because pain unites us. Someone, may read this and have their own experience and it makes them feel a little less alone. I am also writing this to pass on words of wisdom I have heard this evening through self help podcasts, TikTok’s and books.
Recently (2024) my mother and I fell out. It started with something small and snowballed into something much bigger. I realised a few things and I simply stopped begging. Begging for her time, begging for her approval and begging for her affection. It dawned on me that I am an adult woman, who lives in home which I’ve furnished myself, with a dog that I care for and work a full time job + pay my own god damn bills. I don’t need her approval or affection because I have managed to create something she has never seen nor taken an interest in seeing. So I stopped replying and I let her be. One evening I was a little (a lot) drunk and I did, unfortunately message her. Apologising and saying that I wanted a relationship with her. Her response was (I’m not going to put all of it because, frankly I don’t need to but I will summarise) ‘when was the last time you put me first, not out of obligation or because you have to, but because you want to’ ‘I have removed your ‘obligation’ (this part I will quote) “birthdays, Xmas - all those mandatory days, forget them. One day you’ll do something because you want to — and let’s hope it’s not too late”
A few weeks later, she delivered me bad news about a family member, we briefly spoke. Around a week later I decided to arrange a day to meet up with her, however the previous conversation played over and over in my mind. ‘One day you’ll do something because you want to’ - and I realised I didn’t want to meet up with her. I didn’t want to see her. That was a painful realisation. Around early October I messaged regarding something else completely. Once that conversation ended (her asking me to donate to her charity walk). We didn’t speak again. Christmas Day, she blocked me on social media. There hasn’t been any communication about it between family members, I haven’t called, nor has she. It took a while for it to set in. Over Christmas, I did my best to block it out and not let it ruin the festive period. The period between Christmas and new year is when the feeling really set in however this time, it wasn’t rejection or desperation. It was grief mixed with overwhelming relief. No longer did I have to dread the paragraph messages, written to guilt trip and paint me as an awful child. No longer did I have to go running and do things I simply didn’t want to do because she had asked. No longer did I have to sit there and feel a way I will never be able to put into words. I felt guilty for feeling this way. I FEEL guilty for feeling this way. But no amount of guilt will cause me to grovel back, beg for her love and affection again. Beg for a relationship. Walking away from a parental relationship, it does cause grief. You are grieving what could have been, what others have so easily and what you don’t. But so far, I have been able to grieve and not have an impending doom feeling looming over me. I have been able to cry and talk about my feelings with loved ones and not worry about the impact of ‘what will happen if she finds out I’ve told someone’.
This is only the start of the journey. I’ve started to follow other people who are openly talking about no longer being in contact with their parent (with their own face, voice and via video). I am ready to start processing my relationship with my mother. Conversations that probably were not normal and deal with whatever emotions come with it. I know there are going to be hard moments. Such as turning 30 this year, or when I have achievements which I’d usually talk to her about. But I have a robust support system in place and I know this isn’t going to be something I regret.
This evening I watched a video, and the woman said “if a parent puts the responsibility of maintaining and establishing connection on your shoulders, that parent is not interested in connection with you at all. They are interested in the way you can preform and the things that you can provide. They’re interested in your labour”
