Stranger In A Strange Land

American wannabe expat temporarily living in Britain, ranting about everyday culture shocks.

[bob-belcher]

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

[aliendisposition]

An abundance of white cheddar

There’s about as much cheese in the cheese section at supermarkets here as there is at home. However, 75% of it is white cheddar. You’ve got two shelves of blocks of white cheddar and the rest is chunkily shredded white cheddar. Then there’s a small section of what appears to be the more ~exotic~ cheeses... such as parmesan and mozzarella and feta. Yeeeaah.

[aliendisposition]

I’m still struggling and failing to see the danger in the small amount of snow on the ground and I just feel like a complete asshole laughing at this country.

[aliendisposition]

Britain is the new Florida. I actually laughed out loud at “up to 40cm of snow expected.” Okay??? Put some damn salt/grit down and literally no problem at all. Jesus Christ. But no, the roads were considered considered too dangerous the minute it started snowing. (We have a few cm at most of melting snow turning to ice now.) I have driven my Smart car in a blizzard out of necessity. Very slowly and carefully and the roads were continuously ploughed and salted but a BLIZZARD. This is a FLURRY. Get a grip, Brits.

[aliendisposition]

Coasters galore

British people really love coasters. There’s a dozen in any space where you might have guests. They probably have them on their nightstands. You CANNOT set food or drink down directly into furniture. I’m not sure why. They think it will inevitably spill and stain everything without the tiny barrier.

I have coasters at home. Two of them. They’re special coasters. Their only function is to keep cold drinks cold for longer. I can’t recall ever spilling a drink on furniture but I’m certain I could wipe it up fast enough and if it’s wine or something, use stain remover. I knocked a soda on the floor (wood, carpet is horrible) once but just wiped it up with a damp rag.

I just imagine all of Great Britain in a bad infomercial for coasters where without them, their entire house floods with beverages and their ancient wallpaper peels from being soaked.

[aliendisposition]

Sundays are the worst

At home, I often do my shopping on Sundays so I can rest on Saturday after a long week. Difficult to do that here due to Sunday trading hours. Most shops have very limited hours by law every Sunday. Need groceries? Better get them around lunch because that’s literally the only time you can or enjoy starving. Actually archaic.

[aliendisposition]

Every fucking Sunday without fail... Decided on burgers tonight because that’s what we have and neither of us are up to cooking. Since the majority of shops shut many hours ago even though it’s barely dinnertime, I went to the corner shop across from me. It’s a shady little news agent basically so of course they don’t sell much of worth.

We’re eating burgers on sandwich thins. (Imagine half a slice of an end piece of bread but thin like paper. Yeah that’s a sandwich thin.)

Fuck archaic religious laws right in the booty, I’m hungry.

[aliendisposition]

Zootopia/Zootropolis jumbo pop scene

Am I mad or did the UK version edit the scene in the beginning with the ice cream parlour to include less of a racial prejudice analogy than the original version? It still draws one because everything about it - even the setting - is set up to make the message clear but the scene seemed different to the dozen or two times I’ve watched it as Zootopia.

It’s so important to the film’s plot and message so I’ll be really disappointed if I remember correctly.

Anyone know if it is and why they would cut it down?

[aliendisposition]

How is x different from 😘?

Everyone sends the letter x all the time in everything. “Thanks xx” “np xxxxxx” “goodnight x”

They’re supposed to mean kisses but ew? I mean sure it’s fine if you send it to me but don’t expect me to virtually kiss you with a random letter via text.

[aliendisposition]

Vroom vroom

Driving here terrifies me and I’m only a passenger. I frequently annoy my partner by involuntarily clutching the door while he’s driving what I’m told is cautiously. But it’s so fast! Some small winding narrow roads that would be 25mph at home are 70mph here.

In addition to the speed is I guess reaction time? When my partner drives in the US, he slows down way too far in advance. Here, I feel like no one is going to stop in time. And the lack of space means squeezing all vehicle types in places they have no business being.

Terrifying.

[aliendisposition]

In trying to figure out why I’m completely unable to access imgur, I have learned that it is perfectly legal in the UK for an ISP to block websites. Consider me shook.

There’s very few sites blocked in the US. Those that are blocked clearly violate a law. (Such as child pornography or gambling in a state where it’s illegal.) I don’t believe - correct me if I’m wrong - an ISP has the power to decide that. At least, I’ve never experienced it and it was my understanding that it’s considered North Korea style censorship.

I tried to pirate a small download for a game a couple years ago. I couldn’t figure out how to make it work so I never played it. But that week, I received a stern warning from Verizon that they’d shut off my internet if I was found to be pirating. I was able to access an illegal site with ease. I just wasn’t allowed to use it.

Now I’m not sure still why I can’t access imgur. I don’t want to make any more accusations against Vodafone than I’m already thinking for other reasons we’re having them pull a call log for... but I can’t help but wonder. Not that it matters if it’s a fluke or easily unblocked. Censorship is censorship and I can’t believe it’s legal.

[aliendisposition]

Work ethic

I never thought of my work ethic as extreme. I’m fairly lazy. But there’s a very different culture here when it comes to work. It’s overly laid back from my perspective. I’ll be a great employee and angry at all of my coworkers. Although on these wages, I’m not sure I blame them.

[aliendisposition]

Can someone tell me why most indoor doorframes in British homes have windows above them?

Like... what?

What are they for? Peeping giants?

[aliendisposition]

Sundays are the worst

At home, I often do my shopping on Sundays so I can rest on Saturday after a long week. Difficult to do that here due to Sunday trading hours. Most shops have very limited hours by law every Sunday. Need groceries? Better get them around lunch because that’s literally the only time you can or enjoy starving. Actually archaic.

[aliendisposition]

Film times

I don’t understand why the times given for the films at cinemas aren’t the time the film starts? It’s the time the trailers start. Huh?

[aliendisposition]

Heathen

I don’t like chips that much. I like chip butties but chips from a chippy are just gross and thick fries aren’t worth eating. Sorry. I said it.

[aliendisposition]

After this happening three times, I’ve learned my lesson: do not buy or have anything shipped to you in the UK from outside the UK. This includes literally everything. You will need to pay custom fees yourself even if it’s from a major company. Apparently this isn’t always the case but I’m not trying a fourth time and paying yet another £15-17 in fees. I know my travel card doesn’t work with Royal Mail despite being Travelex (a British international company) and ONLY being loaded with GBP. But my Bank of America debit card does. I can’t have a UK issued payment card because I haven’t been a resident for 12 months or more. I’m not even a resident. I’m considered a tourist. My billing address is my actual home in the US - my mom’s house. It’s where I lived before and will return after my 6 months here. For all financial purposes, it’s my only valid address. Fortunately, Royal Mail doesn’t seem to realize Bank of America is, well... American. My billing address is obviously not my physical address, causing absolute havoc every time I make an online purchase now for reasons I still don’t understand. So despite not following the clearly stated rules, Royal Mail has been accepting my most American card. (And causing a subsequent conversion fee on top of the customs charge.)

[aliendisposition]

Am I horrible?

Probably, yes. This blog is to rant my feelings anonymously at strangers instead of friends and family who are sick of hearing it.

But am I horrible for needing to rant? Am I disrespectful? Should I bottle it up for the sake of others?