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“Each Dead American Paid For A Distinct Wing of My Vacation Home,” & Other Tributes From 16 NRA Funded Senators

“I turned these gun violence victims into heroes by allowing them to save the lives of better, whiter children. Their parents now have the opportunity of saving enough to afford a proctor who can change their child’s college admission exam answers.” -Bill Cassidy (R-LA)

“We named our family dog after one of the gun victims, but then our son accidentally shot the dog. We told him, “guns don’t kill dogs, his wimpy girly hands do.” Now our eight-year-old lifts weights and plans to run for office as an unbeatable psychopath.” -Roy Blunt (R-MO)

“For every true tear I cry, I personally donate ten cents to families destroyed by guns. I have an accountant that calculates it all. So far each family owes me $110.” - Mike Braun (R-IN)

“It’s something gay people already do, shoot each other at nightclubs? That’s how they have sexual relations, right? I’d like to pass a law where the straight normal babies are named after each of the dead gays. That way it evens out, right?” -Mitt Romney (R-Utah)

“What black people? In Buffalo? You must have your facts mixed in with your feelings because I don’t think we allow black people to age past 55 years old in this country. It’s just not tradition. Medically, socially, systemically. I guess we could but it would be awkward.” -Rob Portman (R-OH)

“Every time a bullet kills someone that isn’t me, my own friend or family member, I assert my leadership as a gun puppet. With money and power, you can do anything, so I chose to let guns kill people with mine. If idiots worked harder, they’d enjoy letting people die without consequences, too. Like that delightfully popular documentary, Squid Game.” -Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

“One door! I donate the solution to mass shootings-one door. A man with a gun could never get inside a building if schools had only one entrance, because it’s physically impossible to break a window. We have one door in our home to keep my kids safe from guns we own inside our house, or a fire.” -Ted Cruz (R-Texas)

“I know climate change is bullshit because I own the goddamn sun. My heart goes out to every poor bastard blaming the sun, when really they just got in the way of the great American bullet. Well, not every bastard, I do need time to ‘target African-Americans with almost surgical precision.’” -Thom Tillis (R-N.C.)

I’d just like to do my job and make sure someone shoots the children we force women to have.” -Marco Rubio (R-Fla.)

“I’ve recently learned that a synagogue is where Jews congregate to pray before they die. I thought that was called a concentration camp. Jews should learn to pray from their individual media control stations. I pray alone by the ocean, so in honor of the dead I’ve renamed my collection of yachts “The Pittsburgh 12.” -Todd C. Young (R-Indiana)

“I’ve renamed the east end of my Martha’s Vineyard Island home, The Buffalo Wing. But my dinner guests just laughed like we were being served at a dive bar. My bravery in the face of that kind of humiliation is something I honor even more.” - Richard Burr (R-N.C)

“As a survivor of domestic violence, I know that guns are responsible for the murder of 70 women every month, making it 5 times more likely an abuser will kill his partner, and that ⅔ of child deaths involving domestic violence were caused by guns. But I don’t read that information because I don’t care, and I don’t care because I’m very rich.” -Joni Ernst (R-Iowa)

“We can’t deny the obvious, a gun looks like a penis. So I’ve dedicated a portion of my penis to all the affected neighborhoods that, because of me, will not be protected from watchlist terrorists purchasing guns. Good luck out there!” -Cory Gardner (R-CO)

“I believe the Covid vaccine gives people AIDS and excess carbon dioxide ‘helps the trees grow.’ Is it a shock I voted against background checks and blamed mass shootings on ‘wokeness’? However, my very alive children wouldn’t have the ability to take their privilege for granted, had it not been for the deaths of other children I care nothing about.” - Ron Johnson (R-WI)

“Gun violence is a necessary evil, just like slavery.” -Tom Cotton (R-Ark.)

“Every day our personal chef rings a bell when lunch is served. Each feast is named in honor whoever was killed by guns that day. We’ve never had an unnamed meal. It’s delicious and reminds me of my greatest family value and bible verse, ‘my money and comfort above human life.’” -Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Happy Forced Mother’s Day!

It’s been ages, but we’re finally celebrating the first mandatory mother’s day since 1973! This year I want to provide gifts for all future American mothers, even the ones who can’t survive childbirth. It is only ethical that I first tell you what I really wanted to give, but couldn’t, because it wasn’t worth my time.

What I can’t give is the number of women or girls thoughtless enough to die from internal bleeding, insufficient healthcare, birth, or by having a body that is arrogantly unable to be in labor. I can’t add up the families who, after a hemorrhage from placental abruption, pick to save either the baby, or their wife’s, no doubt melodramatic, life. I’m too busy to count how many women will be forced to birth a baby without organs, or a fetus that’s been dead inside them for months, how many have to pop out kids with the stunning sparkling eyes of their rapist, or be tied to a physically or emotionally abusive spouse forever, regardless of how genuinely funny he is. It’s kind of boring to figure out how many condoms will break on teenagers with no access to birth control, or condoms that don’t even work to begin with. What’s a mere 2 or 15%? Can’t be more than ten billion people. I’m not in the mood to tally every 12-year-old girl in absolutely painless labor, with the angel baby of their father/uncle/cousin, who eventually make great little moms to kids named Dad II, or Uncle Jim Jr. I can’t speak to the men who secretly remove their condom, except that it’s a cool trick that feels good, and that it behooves you to be in a bedroom with some ambiance. I can’t estimate the families who’ll go hungry, in the researched and evidenced boost of poverty this ban brings. I’ve never even met a poor person. I heard they just survive on potatoes and the government’s money. That reminds me, I haven’t eaten in two hours, and I’m starving.

Just sit there while I explain, as a straight white starving Christian male, why that makes me the expert entitled to end female freedom, and share the gifts of what I can and will extend this Forced Mother’s Day. I can laugh as loud as the goddamn ocean at the suggestion of laws forcing men to get vasectomies, wear condoms, or practice abstinence, because… come on, seriously? Legislating men’s bodies is the equivalent of talking over me when I’m discussing Barstool Sports- you just don’t do it. I can to save the lives of what no scientist has ever called “the unborn,” but that only goes in one direction. I can rationalize incest, tell a far too provocative child to stop being such a drama queen about molestation. I can tell people to close their eyes and imagine what they would do if they or their spouse were pregnant, because everyone’s resources, education, religion, community, and experiences are all the same, all equal, so thirty seconds of daydreaming is surely enough to know what every woman in America should do. I can tell women who have been raped to ‘take one for the team’ because of my good morals, and then never think about them again. I can do it all by overturning Roe v Wade.

Now that’s real power! I love power. Some will whine and nag like a real wife, about how my power cannot be maintained without the control of reproduction, because if and when a woman has a baby, is the largest determinant in her economic status, education, health, and life expectancy. But that’s just an insanely large coincidence. It’s also chance, and not our responsibility, that banning abortion legally, is proven to not ban abortion in reality. We still need to do the “right thing.” What a happy accident that controlling women is the only ‘big government’ idea my party is more obsessed with than Facebook or racism.

Indeed, my party’s whole platform is defined by “small government.” After incessantly preaching rights to privacy, civil liberties, religious freedoms (not including Muslims and non-assimilated Jews), gun rights, mask mandates, and leaked Supreme Court drafts of awesome stuff, we want everyone to know that the exception is women's genitals. We stand for hard-working Americans not being financially responsible for a living (eye roll) baby’s health, their care, or time with their lazy dads, and frail moms who need to “feel better.” We uphold that the best education is exclusively for studs born into enough wealth to wear stylish leather shoes that cost more than is allocated to America’s healthcare. And when some shrill know-it-all researches that contraceptives, birth control, and mental health resources, are all things “proven” to lower abortion rates, we know it’s a lie that only helps frigid sluts. We demand the government stay out of our personal lives with hookers, and regulations on businesses where employees make enough money sleep in their cozy cars. I mean, my god, corporations are people. Just like unborn babies are people. Women are technically people too, but it’s different. It’s not sexist, women are sex-y, they’re decorative flower-like bodies that god put together like Legos, to keep men company when football isn’t on, and make them a sweet little lunch involving pickles when it is.

It’s 2022, let us finally put an end to the manipulation, to the so-called “information” that the policies proven to lower abortion rates are the ones we love to ignore. We like it at best. Let’s reveal that this “data” was found by hysterical women who can’t comprehend hard or simple math. The real facts, not feelings, are my beliefs. And since I decide when life begins based on the facts (my personal beliefs), I should control everyone else’s humanity. Pregnant girls and women don’t know what’s best for them, only I know, without a doubt, because I’ve lived their lives. I’ve walked a mile in every woman’s shoes on planet earth and I have learned a thing or two. What women really want and need is appreciation of their only mission in life, a celebration of their highest purpose. It’s what they are famous for, what they do best, while somehow still never doing quite enough. It humbles me to reinstate this national holiday, Forced Mother’s Day, for the outstanding female bodies of the United States of America that we proudly own.

#prochoice abortionrights humanrights plannedparenthood mybodymychoice #prolife choselife #reproductive care #reproductive freedom #reproductiverights #reproductive justice #abortion is healthcare #abortion is a human right #abortionisessential #my body my choice #antiabortion #abortionismurder #abortionkills #prolifegeneration #feminist

My Child Marriage Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be

According to a study by Unchained at Last, nearly 300,000 minors were legally married in the US between 2000 and 2018. Some were as young as 10. The study also found that 60,000 marriages since 2000 occurred at an age difference that would be considered a sex crime. -The Independent

Hi, I’m Emma and I’ve been married since I was eleven. At first I thought something so grown-up might be fun, until I realized it’s not like eating candy whenever you want or watching TV on a school night. No matter what the laws are in most states, with a judge or parents' okay, kids can get married in 44 of our 50 USA states!

Let’s start right at the start. How did he propose? You’d think it was like rubbing your favorite stuffed animals together to make them kiss, but it wasn’t that romantical. He squeezed my cheek and said “if we get married, what I’ve done no longer counts as statutory rape. And because you’re pregnant, a fully grown man like me can marry a child of any age. Legally. In America.”

I didn’t know what to say. Single at eleven? What would the neighbors think?! I guess he took that as a yes. What was most important was having a dad for my kid, and what better person to raise a child than a guy who rapes them. It’s not like I was going to find what they call “father material” at my pumpkin patch field trip.

The next step was the ceremony itself. Think planning a wedding is hard? Try doing it on your piggy bank budget. Then try finding tablecloths that are fancy but you can ALSO color on, and seriously, that's a recipe for edible Play-Doh you don’t want to eat. On top of it all, his mom was taking over all the ideas for our reception themed after The Boss Baby franchise. It’s like, I already have two grandmas, I don't need a third.

I invited all of our state lawmakers and even the big Supreme Courts, but none of them showed up or sent a gift. You’d think the leaders of today that work so hard to keep child marriage possible and sneaky would want to take some celebratory shots with my little league team.

After the wedding comes the real work of marriage. The question I get asked most is,“how often do you and your husband do it?” I do it whenever he wants to, which is only sometimes, and whenever I don’t want to, which is all the time. Just don’t ask who does the dishes. It’s always me!

Some marriage advice. I never go to bed angry, just quietly sobbing. Boundaries are important, I don’t let him anywhere near my jewelry making kit or my science textbooks. The best tip is not to let kids ruin your sex life, but that only works if you're not the wife and the kid.

I didn’t understand matrimony at first. Like what the word meant, in the dictionary, because it was never on Mrs. Taylor’s vocabulary list. But America and the government explained to me that it’s just a scary play date that lasts forever, where men don’t have to follow rules because, they’re just… plain cool. Matrimony is not all it’s cracked up to be. But nothing ever is, and maybe that’s the real lesson here. I do wish I wasn’t always the one cleaning those dirty dishes, though. Peanut butter and jelly is a real bitch to rinse off.

TTYL, Emma

#child marriage #roe vs. wade

Women's News. Feminized.

Trump’s Grandchildren Hide In The Attic: A Secret Letter From Their Au Pair

Hello, my name is Poppy Allen and I’m the Au Pair to President Trump’s darling grandchildren. I’ve come from the English town East Sussex, London all the way to the great American White House, where I’m known as “Mary Poppins to the three little Jews.” It’s a complimentary moniker, and it suits me and my situation well. I, indeed, have an extraordinary position unlike any other nanny or caretaker. These are the first Jewish members of the first family in the history of the presidency, and I must keep them safe from the commander-in-chief. If you’ve seen him, you know he looks like a man who means business. Sure, bad business, but business nonetheless. If you’ve heard him speak, you know he is quite the bigoted antisemite, a firm upholder of white supremacy, and a great man.

Working for the Kushner’s means you must be up-to-date on all of things “Trump.” There is so much to admire! The time the President tweeted an image of Hillary Clinton’s face atop a pile of cash next to the Star of David and the phrase, “Most Corrupt Candidate Ever!” Or when he had released an ad featuring the faces of four high profile Jewish people using a voiceover, referring to them as “those who control the levers of power in Washington,” part of a “global power structure” that “robbed our working class,” and “stripped our country of its wealth.” A humorous one was in Ypsilanti, Michigan, when he praised Henry Ford- a notoriously famous antisemite who was an ardent advocate of eugenics- for his “good bloodlines." The commander does love to boast about his “German blood!” One of my favorites was when, in a room full of Jewish men and women in Hollywood, Florida, he openly taunted, “You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all...but you have to vote for me—you have no choice.” He then accused them of “dual loyalty.” And, of course, his most acclaimed defense of the Neo-Nazis in Charlottesville shouting “Jews will not replace us” while making the “Heil Hitler” salute by saying there are “very fine people on both sides.”

Fond memories aside, I feel a duty not just to the Kushner family, but to the powerful and brilliant mind of the man everyone in the family nicknames “Eichmann”. When the commander, in fact, does get some free time (god bless him, he’s always so busy golfing and lying to dying Americans) he visits his favorite daughter in her Kalorama home. He skips inside, miles ahead of his wife, and calls out his own pet name for Mrs. Kushner, “my only daughter”, and greets Mr. Kushner as “christ killer.” Oh dear, they’re all so close. During this time I help my three greedy Jews, the Kushner children, scurry up to their large estate’s secret attic (there are four total) and keep quiet while reading, signing to each other, and keeping their own diaries. While they’re hiding, the President will ask where they are, and when they shall be returning. Mrs. Kushner assures her father that the future lawyers are at their own special school designed for people like them who only care about themselves, but they still know their place. The commander sometimes follows up to ask if he can go visit them in school, to which Mr. Kushner replies with a distinguished, “you don’t want to get our Jew dirt all over your beautiful suit, do you?” The President agrees, but then searches for me just to make certain. My task at that moment is to be preparing mediocre meals and less comfortable beds for the youngsters upon their arrival home. The meals are one small rutabaga and a tablespoon of marmalade. The beds are early 1940s style bunk beds with no mattresses. For the first couple of years on the job, the commander was generally neutral to me. But afterwards, especially these past few months, it has been terrifying. He’ll look me up and down and ask me if I’m sure the kids are at Jew school. I nod silently, but I’ve never thought of myself as a favorable liar. It’s quite burdensome to walk this line, between remaining loyal to the parents of these adorable hook nosed children and being forthcoming with the President of the United States of America.

This is why I wish to part from my current employment and request that you send me to care for another family. I feel I would be of more valuable service not bearing such conflict in my heart and fear for my own life. One should not have to live in terror, after all, I’m not a Jew. Thank you for your consideration.

Best, Miss Poppy Allen

#VPdebate bidenharris2020

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