“Each Dead American Paid For A Distinct Wing of My Vacation Home,” & Other Tributes From 16 NRA Funded Senators
“I turned these gun violence victims into heroes by allowing them to save the lives of better, whiter children. Their parents now have the opportunity of saving enough to afford a proctor who can change their child’s college admission exam answers.” -Bill Cassidy (R-LA)
“We named our family dog after one of the gun victims, but then our son accidentally shot the dog. We told him, “guns don’t kill dogs, his wimpy girly hands do.” Now our eight-year-old lifts weights and plans to run for office as an unbeatable psychopath.” -Roy Blunt (R-MO)
“For every true tear I cry, I personally donate ten cents to families destroyed by guns. I have an accountant that calculates it all. So far each family owes me $110.” - Mike Braun (R-IN)
“It’s something gay people already do, shoot each other at nightclubs? That’s how they have sexual relations, right? I’d like to pass a law where the straight normal babies are named after each of the dead gays. That way it evens out, right?” -Mitt Romney (R-Utah)
“What black people? In Buffalo? You must have your facts mixed in with your feelings because I don’t think we allow black people to age past 55 years old in this country. It’s just not tradition. Medically, socially, systemically. I guess we could but it would be awkward.” -Rob Portman (R-OH)
“Every time a bullet kills someone that isn’t me, my own friend or family member, I assert my leadership as a gun puppet. With money and power, you can do anything, so I chose to let guns kill people with mine. If idiots worked harder, they’d enjoy letting people die without consequences, too. Like that delightfully popular documentary, Squid Game.” -Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
“One door! I donate the solution to mass shootings-one door. A man with a gun could never get inside a building if schools had only one entrance, because it’s physically impossible to break a window. We have one door in our home to keep my kids safe from guns we own inside our house, or a fire.” -Ted Cruz (R-Texas)
“I know climate change is bullshit because I own the goddamn sun. My heart goes out to every poor bastard blaming the sun, when really they just got in the way of the great American bullet. Well, not every bastard, I do need time to ‘target African-Americans with almost surgical precision.’” -Thom Tillis (R-N.C.)
I’d just like to do my job and make sure someone shoots the children we force women to have.” -Marco Rubio (R-Fla.)
“I’ve recently learned that a synagogue is where Jews congregate to pray before they die. I thought that was called a concentration camp. Jews should learn to pray from their individual media control stations. I pray alone by the ocean, so in honor of the dead I’ve renamed my collection of yachts “The Pittsburgh 12.” -Todd C. Young (R-Indiana)
“I’ve renamed the east end of my Martha’s Vineyard Island home, The Buffalo Wing. But my dinner guests just laughed like we were being served at a dive bar. My bravery in the face of that kind of humiliation is something I honor even more.” - Richard Burr (R-N.C)
“As a survivor of domestic violence, I know that guns are responsible for the murder of 70 women every month, making it 5 times more likely an abuser will kill his partner, and that ⅔ of child deaths involving domestic violence were caused by guns. But I don’t read that information because I don’t care, and I don’t care because I’m very rich.” -Joni Ernst (R-Iowa)
“We can’t deny the obvious, a gun looks like a penis. So I’ve dedicated a portion of my penis to all the affected neighborhoods that, because of me, will not be protected from watchlist terrorists purchasing guns. Good luck out there!” -Cory Gardner (R-CO)
“I believe the Covid vaccine gives people AIDS and excess carbon dioxide ‘helps the trees grow.’ Is it a shock I voted against background checks and blamed mass shootings on ‘wokeness’? However, my very alive children wouldn’t have the ability to take their privilege for granted, had it not been for the deaths of other children I care nothing about.” - Ron Johnson (R-WI)
“Gun violence is a necessary evil, just like slavery.” -Tom Cotton (R-Ark.)
“Every day our personal chef rings a bell when lunch is served. Each feast is named in honor whoever was killed by guns that day. We’ve never had an unnamed meal. It’s delicious and reminds me of my greatest family value and bible verse, ‘my money and comfort above human life.’” -Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)











