Recovering Self

Just a girl doing my best to put things together when I don't have all the pieces

[alishaloveschocolate]

Cringe Worthy Moments

So lately I seem to always be mistaking people as talking to me when they're not. The past few days I've been pretty lucky- I'm pretty sure the few times I did the other person didn't hear me, but today my luck ran out. Everything started off as normal, Monday rush getting to a meeting at work. Seeing as I was late (I'm always late) I had to sit at the back. A colleague/friend of mine up at the front turned around and was smiling and like kept looking over her shoulder. Someone's head was partially blocking me from seeing her fully, but she kept smiling and as I moved a bit to the right to see her fully, she mouthed 'hi.' I was bit surprised, this friend is nice enough but I wouldn't have said she was as friendly as to do. But of course I wasn't about to ignore her, I smiled back and gave her a little wave. She then proceeded to use various hand signals and mouthing to say we should work together on the upcoming project being discussed. Even more surprised, I nodded and gave her the thumbs up, smiling. I do like her and it was nice to see that she was making some effort with me too. She kept smiling and gesturing like she hadn't realised I was keen and had said yes... And then it hit me in like one split second as these things often to. She was gesturing to the girl in front of me, who was of course much better friends with her. I have never felt so embarrassed. I quickly went to hide behind the girl (she was the head that was blocking me, of course it made sense she was the one my colleague had been gesturing to) and desperately hoped she hadn't caught me acting like a sad loser, but sadly there's a high chance she did. And it didn't end there. Later that day I walked up to a guy I worked with. He was standing away from me getting a cup of coffee, and as I approached he says, 'Hey, how are you?' 'Good thanks, how are you?' I replied, grabbing a cup. 'Yeah I'm fine.' 'How's work going?' I ask, turning to face him as I lean to get some hot water for my tea. He then gives me the strangest look and I realise to my mortification he's holding his phone to his ear. Seriously, kill me now. How do you even deal with situations like that? I just rolled my eyes, shrugged, laughed and maybe even snorted a little in an attempt to wave it off- pretty sure it just made it even weirder. You may think that was enough embarrassing slip ups for the day but no, my stupidity doesn't end there. My home joins with another apartment and I'm friends with the couple who live there. They have to walk through a small part of my place to get to there door, but from my living area/kitchen, I can't see them. So I get home from work and there was no one home. It was quite late, around 6:30, and I was surprised that my flat mate wasn't there as she usually gets home before me on a Monday. Anyway, I sit down on the couch to relax a bit and wait for her to get home, thinking she must have gone out. Presently I think I hear her voice outside, but no one comes in our door. Then I hear the joint door opening and voices, and I swear I could hear my flat mates voice. I knew there was the husband was home upstairs, so I figured it was the wife and my flat mate coming home. 'Hello?' The wife yells out. Thinking she's talking to me, I reply. 'Hey!' 'Hey!' Is the answer I get. 'Is it Kelly with you?' I call out, wondering why I can't hear her voice still. Then I hear the door shut and the sound of her heading upstairs with her friend- not my flat mate. I'm hoping she didn't hear me but the place isn't that big and it's quite unlikely. Figures that I would think she was calling out hello to me, not her husband! After that stuff up I felt like not opening my mouth to speak for the rest of the day in case of did another stupid thing. Seriously, it was the worse. There's just something mortifying about thinking someone was talking to you and then they're not. It comes across like you're so desperate to talk to someone and then you have to face utter rejection... I feel like it is one of the worse forms of humiliation possible. When will I ever live this down?!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Sometimes you just need to have a moment, cry and let it all out before you can keep going, and that is totally fine 💙

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #8

I cannot stress enough the importance of positivity. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm too positive, that I always look for the good in situations and people even when there's none to be found. But the thing is, I can't help it. It's just what I do. And if I don't do it, it really brings me down. It's so important to always have hope that things will get better. It's important to see the best in people even when they're being far less then that. It's important to keep in mind that negative things are temporary and will change. Thinking like this helps me not to give up, on people, on life, on everything. I have to admit, recently even despite the most positive thinking things have been so hard that it's almost impossible to cope. That's when I really need to focus on the fact that everything is temporary. Nothing stays the same forever. Sadly, this applies to good things, but it also applies to bad things. So no matter how awful things get, please remember that every minute, hour, day you endure through it, you are closer to it being better. Life can change overnight. That happened to me. Things went from great to awful literally overnight. I've never felt so much stress and anxiety before, and for an anxious person that's saying a lot. But I know things could change just as quickly for the better. So as I said in the beginning, I cannot say enough how important positive thinking is. It will get you through anything. Always look for good and things that will build you. Being that way will help you to get through, it will help you not give up on people, it will help you endure with hope. Stay positive. ‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #7

Better to have loved and lost then never loved at all. Personally I think that is all crap. Better to have never loved or been loved so you don't know how beautiful it is and how much better it makes everything. Better to not know instead of know and long for something you can't ever have again. Better to have unexplored territory then a huge gaping hole. I wish I could go back to when I was young and naive and believed in true love, enduring love. Because while its certainly possible for one person to have that for another, I now understand that it's extremely rare for two people to have that for each other. And the child in me is just wishing that wasn't true. I want to believe in true love, but when you grow up you don't believe in fantasy anymore. And the fact is that most times, true love is one sided. If you are in one of those rare and lucky relationships where both people have enduring love for each other, I am so happy for you. Grab that with both hands and never let it go, because it's something special and so precious that it should never be taken for granted. ❤️ ‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Cringe Worthy Moments

Today was a really busy day. I spent most of it in the city and after catching public transport back to the area I live in I stopped by my local butcher to get some meat. I was mostly on autopilot and pretty tired as I hadn’t slept the night before. Our local butcher is quite small but really nice. A father and son work there, and I’m sure they know I live in the area as I come there quite often for my meat. Anyway so I pulled up outside and headed inside. I started off for asking for some mince then had a quick look at the chicken because I needed some of that too. Meanwhile, my butcher is talking to me. I’d asked him to split the mince into two bags so that I could cook it into two separate batches. He goes, ‘You know that’s a really small amount right?’ I wasn’t really listening and just nodded and said yeah thanks, still looking that the chicken. Should I get thighs or breasts? Next minute I hear him going, ‘Is this for a baby? Or a lizard?’ I turned around and gave him a strange look. ‘No’ I replied. 'It’s just for me to cook.’ 'What are you cooking? I’m intrigued.’ He says. Seeing I hadn’t quite worked out my dinner menu yet I just smiled and told him I wasn’t sure yet. I like my butcher but I’m definitely not one for small talk. I asked him for three chicken breasts and started looking in my bag for my wallet when I noticed the bags of mince that were sitting on the counter. They looked… Small. Like really really small. Like there was less than a handful in each one. I thought I asked for two lots of 500g, and that definitely wasn’t 500g, even put together. I suddenly realised with extreme mortification that out of my tired stupid mouth had come two bags of 50g, not 500g. The child in me went into a panic and wanted to just pay for it and walk out and pretend that’s just what I wanted. And honestly, it would have 100% won out if it wasn’t for the fact that I had to go to work in five minutes- I didn’t have time to get mince somewhere else. My adult self pulled up her big girl pants and prepared to look like an idiot. 'Sorry, did I say 50g of mince?… I meant 500g.’ I said, as smoothly as possible. People do this all the time, right? He just looked at me and I could tell he was trying not to laugh as he said, 'Are you sure?’ 'Yes sorry,’ I managed to stumble through, 'that’s definitely not the right amount of mince.’ He was nice enough to start again and informed me that people do in fact come in to get tiny amounts of mince to feed their babies, lizards or even birds. In fact, he went out of the way to not make a big deal of it, which of course made it even worse. As he packaged it all up he just looked at me and asked, 'Are you going to tell anyone you did that?’ I laughed and replied, 'Yeah no.’ And then proceeded to post it on here for anyone to read. Honestly though, the worse part is knowing how embarrassing it’ll be to go back there. How will I ever live it down? It’s almost worth going somewhere else forever, but they have the best meat in the area… I think the only adult way of handling it is just to move half way across the country and forget it ever happened.

I'm not going to number this series as my cringe worthy embarrassing moments seem to be innumerable and there's going to an endless amount of this I'm sure.

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #6

Oh, it’s just me, myself and I Solo ride until I die Cause I got me for life…

Not sure G-EAZY realised it when he was putting together that song but damn, he hit some profound truths right on the head. In most cases the fact of the matter is that you have to look out for yourself and care for yourself because when comes down to it, it’s unlikely anyone else will. You need to believe in yourself, love yourself, appreciate yourself and value yourself so that even when other people don’t, you can rise above it and be a better person for yourself. It took me a while to learn this. It’s in my nature to be a very giving person, that’s just who I am. If I love someone I will do anything and everything I can to make that person happy and put them first in every way possible. My family and friends are so so important to me. Even so, I’ve come to realise that if all you do is just give give give, pretty soon you’ve got nothing left for yourself. And no matter how much a person claims to love you, if you’re doing a lot of the giving in a relationship, it’s bound to turn out that you’re taken for granted and completely worn out. So, I worked out my problem. I hit rock bottom a little while ago and even when I did work out what I had been doing wrong, I didn’t know how to change. It just felt so wrong and weird to put what I wanted and my interests ahead of others. It’s just such a huge part of my nature not to do that. But I got burned pretty badly and the truth that you’re the only person who has your back for life really hit home. It’s still a major work in progress, I think I am slowly learning to value myself in the way that I should, in the way that only I always will. Little things are key and here are just a few things I’ve learnt these past few months: - If you want something badly, then treat yourself (in moderation, of course, we don’t want to bankrupt ourselves) When you look good, you feel good - Don’t question yourself. I don’t know if I’m the only one here but I know that I am ALWAYS seconding guessing myself and worrying about small things that I’ve done that no one else cares about. If it’s not a big deal, don’t stress about it. Easier said then done, I know, but the more you work on it the easier it will be. - Take care of yourself. It’s so easy to let ourselves fall into a rut, to think we aren’t all that, that we can never achieve our goals. No. You have all the power you need to get out of that rut and to start running again. No matter what your goals are, if you are determined you will get there. If you want something badly enough you can and will achieve it. - Love yourself. Only you can do it properly. I’m not talking about self pride or excessive self love. I’m talking about self respect, a healthy dose of self love. So many people are going to judge you, doubt you, put you down. Why should you be one of them too? If you’re having trouble with it, write down as many positive qualities of yourself as you can. Work to build more positive qualities. Work to fix things you don’t like in yourself, and work to make your strengths even stronger. And just please, love yourself, because you deserve to feel worth it. So yeah, seems like tonight was the night for deep truths 😂 I hope you enjoyed my little spill on my ongoing learning progress of self worth and self love.

‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #5

Do you even get a day when you’re just not feeling it? Or even a week like that? You’re not motivated to do anything even though you know a lot of those things are things you should do and things that will make you feel better. Tomorrow is my day off and man do I have a lot of work to do. Washing, cleaning, vacuuming, mopping… You name it. The worse thing is while I’m a person who loves cleanness- I’m honestly just happier when my space is clean- the last few weeks I just have not been motivated to do anything like that! And then I have an appointment in the city in the middle of the day so it’s not even like I can really get into it. Nevertheless- It will be done. It’s been put off for too long! Most things will never get done if you just wait till you feel like doing them. And I think I’m going to feel a whole lot clearer when my space and life is finally clean and neat again. So… Just do it! *cue Nike tick* 😜

Hah… Sorry this post is a little weird. I’ll have something more interesting to talk about tomorrow when it isn’t close to midnight and I’m feeling saner, I’m sure. ‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #4

My day has consisted of spoilt brats, music, Pokemon go and selling things. I’d say it’s high time for a rest. The thing is, everyone always says ‘sell your clothes instead of just chucking them out’. No one ever says it’s not that easy. I’ve really been focusing on downsizing my wardrobe lately- I picked a colour theme and basically started only keeping things/buying things that I absolutely loved. The result was a wardrobe that is slowly becoming the type of wardrobe you can pull anything out of it and will look good (it’s very exciting and I will be doing a series about it on my beauty blog soon)- and also a hell of a lot of bags of old clothes that I didn’t think spoke to my soul. Some of them were even really nice, almost new, good condition, cute things… But I just couldn’t get why I bought them, as they just didn’t do anything for me. Some things even made me feel gross. They had to go! So left with that many old clothes, one has to wonder if it is possible to make money from them. Here in Sydney I haven’t seen any places that will give you cash for your old clothes, and while I don’t mind donating some stuff, I didn’t want to donate all of my stuff because well… I felt like there was some money to be made here! And let’s face it, I should probably try to get back as much money as possible seeing that I wasted it buying these clothes in the first place. So I started listing clothes everywhere. Gumtree, Facebook, Carrousel, Ebay… You name it, I tried it. So far, I haven’t had much success. Especially with the good quality stuff, because people just seem to want to bargain you down to dirt cheap prices. I get that it’s great to find a bargain, but come on, when you’re selling something like a brand new $120 Kivari play suit for two thirds of the price you don’t feel like dropping it any more. Also another annoying thing is people just mess with you. They’ll message asking about something and then just not message ever again. Like did you die or something??? Why would you just not answer??? Seriously… All this said and done, I’m going to stick it out in the hopes that I can actually sell some stuff properly. I’ll keep you updated on how it goes, just in case any one else is interested in selling their old clothes. Sorry that tonight’s blog was a bit random, I’m very tired tonight… Pokemon hunting is exhausting 😜

‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #3

Subject of the day: Candles. Who loves candles? I had a friend say once that she thought candles were a crap present but honestly, candles make my world. Everything about them is amazing. I love buying them, smelling them, burning them and even making them! The person who first thought of them should be blessed, but I’m sure they’re long dead now. I recently found a candle from the brand Palm Beach in the scent Watermelon. And oh my goodness if it isn’t the most amazing scent I’ve ever smelt! My all time favourite scent is Vanilla- whether in candles, perfume, body wash, cleaning supplies, food, drinks.. Doesn’t matter. But I’m telling you, this watermelon candle came pretty dang close to the vanilla mark. It’s the first watermelon candle that I’ve smelt that actually smells like a watermelon. And it is incredible, as I’m sure you would imagine. Another candle which I absolutely LOVE is by a Blue Mountains founded brand called iKOU. They only have two stores, and luckily last summer I stumbled upon their store when staying in the blue mountains for a week retreat. I instantly fell in love with their orange, cardamom and vanilla candle… It was a scent that truly spoke to me. I mean, come on- spiced vanilla and orange??? What could possibly top that??? So my favourite thing to do at night is only use candlelight. I’ll usually light one of my three favourite scented candles that I just mentioned and then a ton of none scented candles for extra ambience. Little tip- those tall candelabra candles really are great for lighting up your room. Stick some in the openings of cute empty wine bottles and you’re good to go with chic energy conserving lighting! Another candle related thing I’ve been loving are different sized tea lights. Did you even know there was such a thing? Me neither until a few weeks ago. I was browsing the aisles of the Reject Shop (that place is honestly the best) and in their candle section I discovered a revolutionary product- 48hr burn time tea light candles! Basically, they’re about double the height of your usual tea light candles and they last about three times as long. For someone like me, who uses regular tea light candles like single use items, this was amazing! Now, instead of having to change all my tea lights every night, I can get at least three solid uses out of them. The Reject Shop also stocks jumbo tea lights- they look like tea light but they’re probably about twice the diameter. I haven’t tried these yet, but I’m planning on doing it soon. All avenues of candles must be explored!

‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #2

Sometimes you just have to live day by day and not worry about the future. What happens tomorrow is not a concern of today. When you burden yourself with troubles from the past, present and future you find you have so many troubles to deal with you can barely face life. Instead focus on what you are dealing with now and try not to worry about what may never happen in the first place. I think this is something we all need to work on. What has really helped me is focusing on the small things in life. Something simple like a clean and tidy personal space can be so refreshing. It can change your entire attitude and the way you are feeling. Designing your area to be catered to your individual space is important too- Fill your space with things that make you happy = You get happy when you’re in your space. Honestly, this makes a world of difference. Things that I love for making me feel good are candles, my favourite colours, large open windows and minimalistic/retro/boho style. And trust me, I didn’t think that type of a style was a thing either until I started focusing on things which make me happy and ditching all the things that didn’t immediately draw me to them. The result was a perfect mash of every element of those styles that I loved woven together by similar colours and my less rather then more motto. Redesigning your place to be filled with things that you enjoy, that make you happy and that are aesthetically pleasing to you makes more of a difference then you could ever imagine. Good vibes, everyday.

‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!

[alishaloveschocolate]

Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow #1

Sometimes, even when you know things are for the best, they hurt like hell. Sometimes you’ll never understand. Sometimes things leave you stripped bare, unable to go on. But life goes on no matter what happens in our lives. Emotional pain is the worse because it has no cure, no relief. Disappointed hopes and dreams scar you more then any physical might ever do. It’s so hard to hold on to hope sometimes, to see reasons to keep on going, to stay positive. Never forget you are amazing. No matter what challenges you face, you will rise above it. You can endure, not with the defeat of someone crumpled but with the strong hope of someone who can stand firm facing a strong wind because at the end of the storm there is sunshine. Sometimes people will break you. But if you trust your judgement and choose your friends wisely, even if they do momentarily hurt you, they will still be your friends in the long run, friends for life. Friends will never break you completely, because you will know you can always trust them to do good in the end. I would trust my close friends with my life. All of them, even the ones who hurt me at times, are amazing people and good choices in friends… Even when they don’t believe it. If you believe in something, it is worth fighting for. Don’t give up on yourself or anything else you believe it.

‘Have Your Say Upon Your Pillow’ is a pillow talk/rant/vent series about things in life, challenges, struggles and happiness. I usually write it before sleeping to get things of my chest, hence the title. I try to keep it positive, fairly short and fun. Enjoy!