I think I lost my confidence.
I started drawing at a very young age. I especially loved drawing animals and I would copy whatever I saw. I wish I still had those drawings from back then. I think I got that from my father, who used to sketch cute animals for me when I was little. My brother was good at it too, so of course I grew up mimicking him.
That’s how it was I just thought everyone drew. Kids do it, right? Some are just born with talent. And like any parents, mine thought I had it. I was good not a genius, but good enough. But I never took it seriously I just drew because I loved it, and that was enough.
I remember opening my science textbook in second grade picking an animal and drawing it. But as I grew older, I drifted away from drawing. It became harder to jump back in for many reasons. Puberty, new interests, social media distractions. But when I think about it deeply, the real reason I lost confidence goes back to fourth grade.
As I mentioned, I always drew from reference I never really drew from imagination. And when I did it always felt... meh. But I never thought twice about it until one day in fourth grade, they held this little challenge. We had to draw something from our imagination, and the best ones would be ranked. I don’t remember if there was a prize.
Of course, I was confident. Everyone around me expected I’d do well. Then came the moment of truth: a blank sheet of paper. And 8/9 year old me couldn’t imagine a single thing. I was in shock!! If I could copy so well, why couldn’t I create something from scratch? Why couldn’t I see details when I closed my eyes? Was I even a good artist? am I ... a fraud?
All these thoughts flooded my head. I was miserable. I ended up drawing a seashore, I think with the sun in the top right corner. It looked like something a toddler would draw. I was crushed. “Fraud, fraud, fraud” was all I could think. That was the moment I officially lost my confidence. Of course, I didn’t know that then I just felt sad. But after that, I never approached drawing the same way.
I drew on and off as I grew up, eventually stopping completely. There were years when I yearned for that feeling drawing carelessly and ending up with something beautiful and colored. But deep down, I was afraid. Ashamed. I felt like I had lied to everyone who believed in me.
It’s crazy because in recent years, I started watching drawing videos. Tips on imagination, perspective, using references. People creating amazing things and it broke my heart. I wish someone had told little me that I wasn’t a fraud. That I was just good at copying, and that I could learn the rest. I wish someone had guided me through those concepts.
You might wonder why I didn’t look it up. But I was deeply insecure. Afraid. I regretted it especially when I saw how much my classmate had improved. I admired how he kept going while I got distracted and lost interest. But in reality, I had lost my confidence. I couldn’t even convince myself to start again. I thought “What’s the use? I’m too old now. It’s a waste.”
But now, at 27 years old I’m ready. Ready to start from zero. Ready to begin my drawing journey again. Yes, a small part of me wishes I’d known better maybe I’d be a pro by now (well, maybe lol). But it’s okay. I’ve grown and I know better now.
If there’s anything I’d say to my younger self, it’s this: You weren’t a fraud The art world is vast Even though I’m just now coming back to it, I didn’t waste time. And I’ll always draw animals just like I used to. I think I drew a fox in second grade and really loved it so I promise to draw one again xD
I’ll learn from zero, I’ll improve. And when I draw my first piece from imagination, I won’t be ashamed. I’ll frame it. Because when I first started drawing, I didn’t do it to prove anything. I did it because I loved it and I still love it.
Little me I will slowly regain the confidence we lost. And please again: You were never a fraud.
