flare

perplexed, always nostalgic

[alittleflare]

I think I lost my confidence.

I started drawing at a very young age. I especially loved drawing animals and I would copy whatever I saw. I wish I still had those drawings from back then. I think I got that from my father, who used to sketch cute animals for me when I was little. My brother was good at it too, so of course I grew up mimicking him.

That’s how it was I just thought everyone drew. Kids do it, right? Some are just born with talent. And like any parents, mine thought I had it. I was good not a genius, but good enough. But I never took it seriously I just drew because I loved it, and that was enough.

I remember opening my science textbook in second grade picking an animal and drawing it. But as I grew older, I drifted away from drawing. It became harder to jump back in for many reasons. Puberty, new interests, social media distractions. But when I think about it deeply, the real reason I lost confidence goes back to fourth grade.

As I mentioned, I always drew from reference I never really drew from imagination. And when I did it always felt... meh. But I never thought twice about it until one day in fourth grade, they held this little challenge. We had to draw something from our imagination, and the best ones would be ranked. I don’t remember if there was a prize.

Of course, I was confident. Everyone around me expected I’d do well. Then came the moment of truth: a blank sheet of paper. And 8/9 year old me couldn’t imagine a single thing. I was in shock!! If I could copy so well, why couldn’t I create something from scratch? Why couldn’t I see details when I closed my eyes? Was I even a good artist? am I ... a fraud?

All these thoughts flooded my head. I was miserable. I ended up drawing a seashore, I think with the sun in the top right corner. It looked like something a toddler would draw. I was crushed. “Fraud, fraud, fraud” was all I could think. That was the moment I officially lost my confidence. Of course, I didn’t know that then I just felt sad. But after that, I never approached drawing the same way.

I drew on and off as I grew up, eventually stopping completely. There were years when I yearned for that feeling drawing carelessly and ending up with something beautiful and colored. But deep down, I was afraid. Ashamed. I felt like I had lied to everyone who believed in me.

It’s crazy because in recent years, I started watching drawing videos. Tips on imagination, perspective, using references. People creating amazing things and it broke my heart. I wish someone had told little me that I wasn’t a fraud. That I was just good at copying, and that I could learn the rest. I wish someone had guided me through those concepts.

You might wonder why I didn’t look it up. But I was deeply insecure. Afraid. I regretted it especially when I saw how much my classmate had improved. I admired how he kept going while I got distracted and lost interest. But in reality, I had lost my confidence. I couldn’t even convince myself to start again. I thought “What’s the use? I’m too old now. It’s a waste.”

But now, at 27 years old I’m ready. Ready to start from zero. Ready to begin my drawing journey again. Yes, a small part of me wishes I’d known better maybe I’d be a pro by now (well, maybe lol). But it’s okay. I’ve grown and I know better now.

If there’s anything I’d say to my younger self, it’s this: You weren’t a fraud The art world is vast Even though I’m just now coming back to it, I didn’t waste time. And I’ll always draw animals just like I used to. I think I drew a fox in second grade and really loved it so I promise to draw one again xD

I’ll learn from zero, I’ll improve. And when I draw my first piece from imagination, I won’t be ashamed. I’ll frame it. Because when I first started drawing, I didn’t do it to prove anything. I did it because I loved it and I still love it.

Little me I will slowly regain the confidence we lost. And please again: You were never a fraud.

[alittleflare]

trying things out again

I've thought about starting fresh with a new account, like I usually do. But this one feels different. I've had it since my last years of high school, and it stayed with me through the years I spent trying, failing and learning until I eventually paused my self-studies due to many reasons.

Now I'm 27, and I’d say I’ve gone through some solid character development. I like who I’ve become.

There are still things I’m dissatisfied with, but I’m far more appreciative of where I am today. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. About everything, really. And while I always kind of knew this, it’s finally clear to me: whatever I’m doing, I think I’m doing well. If I don’t like something or someone, I’ll leave it behind. If it’s something necessary for my livelihood, I’ll endure it until I get through it.

It’s okay to live a life that only makes sense to me. Success and fulfillment look different for everyone. Most of us only know one version, but that doesn’t mean I have to follow that known version.

I only get one life. I want to live it in peace.

[daily-spooky]

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[tiddiebaby-deactivated20210816]

kpop fandom dead at 3:27 AM in a miami hotel bathroom floor

[okayysophia]

yeah this needed to be said cause ive seen those comment sections and yall are disgusting to say the least…

[creepish]

going to do something fun and crazy tonight. *lights a small candle* 

[pathologising]

actually you will not enjoy hearing this but you literally have to abandon your self deprecating humor. besides the fact that it can drive people away you literally are only hurting yourself by constantly making jokes that further cement the idea in your head that you are not good enough. I do not care that you think its a good coping mechanism it is absolutely not and you need to start challenging negative thoughts instead of feeding into them.

[languagebraindump]

When to use こと

高専を出て4年、寝ても覚めても金のことだけを考えている

高専　こうせん　technical college​

出る　でる it has tons of meaning! Here it means “to leave” But you can hear it phrases such as:

電話に出るときは … When you pick up the phone…

旅に出る to go on a trip

月がでる the rise of the moon (moonrise)

やる気がでる be motivated

These are called collocations. Instead of learning all the meanings of 出る, learn each collocation in context.

年　ねん years

高専を出て4年 Four years out of technical college

寝ても 　寝る　ねる　to sleep [here in its ～ても form “even if/when”]

覚めても 　覚める　さめる   to wake up [here in its ～ても form “even if/when”]

If vs When

If is used when you’re not certain about something  Even if I live = you’re not sure about your survival

When is used when you’re sure about something  Even when I survive = you’re sure you will survive

It’s a very subtle difference, important in English, not so much in Japanese.

金のことだけを 　(お)金　（お）かね   money  

こと

Verb + こと = noun; example: 考えること thinking/ things to think about

いadj/なadj + こと = being [adj]; exmple: 安いこと being cheap (prices are low); 元気なこと being energetic; in good spirits

Negative verb + こと = not to do [verb]; example: 食べないことnot to eat (this one is often used in instructions; rules; etc.[equivalent of must not; should not in English])

Noun + のこと = Regarding the [noun]/ about the [noun]; it also sound more indirect and slighty softer than noun alone. [Nanami says ‘about money’]

Time related noun + のこと = what happened at that (specific) time. So, if you partied yesterday, this のこと will point to that party not the whole day. Yesterday alone (昨日は) would suggest the whole day.

Extra:

私を覚えている？ VS 私のことを覚えている？

Both mean “Do you remember me?” but the second one implies “me” in a broader sense ( my appearance; personality; the time we spent together, etc.). The first one is rarely used.

だけ only [always put it after the word/phrase that is “only”]

考えている 　考える　かんがえる  to think

[alittleflare]

Thank you so much for this wonderful post !! I see こと a lot but I always forget or confuse its usage.. this was super helpful 💕

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[neko-gifs]

/ᐠ｡‸｡ᐟ\

[humans-of-seoul]

“[2/3] 미국에서 편입도 해서 다른 학교를 다녔지만 어딜가나 제 주변엔 아프리카 친구가 많았어요. 아프리카 최신 음악을 다 섭렵할 정도였죠. 그만큼 아프리카를 많이 알아갔는데 미디어에선 항상 재해, 가난, 질병 같은 이미지만 나왔고, 제가 친구들에게서 들은 발전하는 아프리카의 이미지와 너무 달랐어요. 그래서 제 눈으로 아프리카를 보겠다고 대학교 다니던 중에 UN에 신청을 해서 NGO 활동의 일환으로 케냐에 파견을 갔어요. 가기 전에 주변 사람들에서 여러 주의 사항을 들었죠. 물갈이, 말라리아 걱정도 했고, 혹시 비행기가 추락하면 어떡하지, 내 짐이 다 도난당하면 어떡하지 하고 비행기 타기 전부터 엄청 긴장했어요. 전기가 나가면 큰일날까봐 손전등 까지 싸갔으니까요. 그렇게 아프리카에 대한 편견을 대학교 다니면서 없앴다고 믿었는데, 제 마음 속 어딘가엔 남아있던 거였어요. 케냐의 공항에 도착했을 땐 혼자였고, 이민 가방, 캐리어, 백팩 등 산더미 같은 짐을 홀로 끌고 갔어요. 제가 그렇게 가는데 뒤에 누군가가 절 조용히 따라오더라고요. 두려움이 몰려왔죠. 신경을 곤두 세우고 모든 짐을 부여잡고 택시를 잡으려고 했는데, 그 분이 제 물건에 손을 대시는 거예요. 드디어 내 짐이 털리는 구나 싶어서 ‘뭐하는 거냐!’ 하고 쏘아 말했죠. 근데 알고보니 그분이 공항 직원이었어요. 택시도 잡아주시고 짐도 실어주셨죠. 전 머쓱했고 짐 속에서 뭐라도 꺼내서 드려야할 정도로 죄송했어요. 그런데 그분은 저한테 딱 한마디 하시고 사라지시더라고요.” “뭐라고요?” “하쿠나 마타타.”

“[2/3] Even though I transferred to a different school in the United States, wherever I went, I always had a lot of friends from Africa. It was to the extent that I was even listening to the most recent African music. I knew that much about Africa but in the media I’d always see news about disaster, poverty, and disease there. This image was so different from the image of Africa that I got from my friends which was continuously developing. Because of this, I decided that I wanted to go see Africa for myself and did so by registering while I was in school to go work at an NGO through the UN. This brought me to Kenya. Before going, I was of course told about a lot of things. Things like differences in water, concerns of malaria, what to do in the event of a plane crash, what to do if my luggage all got stolen – all of this had me very nervous up until I got on the plane. I was so anxious that I even brought a flashlight with me should the electricity go out. Based off my experiences at school, I knew this wasn’t how Africa was going to be and I thought I had gotten rid of those prejudices, but it felt as if they were still residing somewhere deep within me. I was alone when I landed at the airport in Kenya and had to manage all of my large pieces of luggage, suitcases, backpack etc on my own. I was moving along with all of my belongings and then I sensed that someone was walking quietly behind me. I became terrified. I was on high alert as I was about to grab everything and rush off to grab a taxi, but then that person placed their hand on my luggage. Thinking they were going to take it I yelled, “What are you doing?!” But then I realized they were an airport employee. They got me a taxi and even helped me load my luggage. I felt so embarrassed that I wondered whether or not I should give them something from my luggage as a thank you for their help. But before going away, the employee only said one thing to me.” “What did they say?” “‘Hakuna matata.’”

- HOS Remote Interview Series

[humans-of-seoul]

“[1/3] 고등학교 때 자신감이 없다고 해야하나. 항상 주눅이 들어있었어요. 너무 뻔한 이야기라서 안 하려고 했는데, 알콜 중독자인 아버지에 맞기도 했고, 부모님이 이혼하면서 ‘나는 불쌍해’라는 생각이 절 지배했고 항상 악에 받쳐 있었어요. 그러다가 미국에 있는 친척이 한번 미국에 오라고 한 거예요. 그게 삶을 바꿔볼 기회라고 생각했죠. 수능이 끝나고 동네에서 시급을 제일 많이 준다는 쭈꾸미 집에서 학교 수업 끝나고 문 닫을 때까지 계속 일을 해서 돈을 벌었어요. 점심시간만 되어도 빠득빠득 닦아야할 숟가락이 1000개였을 만큼 열심히 일했어요. 그렇게 간 미국은 제 상상하고 좀 달랐어요. 신기하게 어울리다보니 미국인보단 아프리카 친구들이 대다수였어요. 특히 케냐, 콩고, 우간다 같은 나라에서 온 친구가 많았고, 그 중에서도 저보다 10살 많은 Jolie라는 여자분하고 가장 가까웠었요. 그분은 아이도 있고 그랬는데 영어도 잘 못 하고 어리버리 하던 당시의 저를 보살펴 주셨죠. 집에 초대하고 김치도 주셨으니까요. 그렇게 아프리카 친구들을 만나면서 많은 편견을 고치기 시작했어요. 아직도 기억나요. 오리엔테이션에서 만난 아이보리 코스트 출신 친구한테 제가 어디에서 왔냐고 물으니, 그 친구가 참 차분하게 대답해주더라고요. ‘아프리카는 나라가 아니라 대륙이야’라고.”

“[1/3] I wasn’t, how shall I say, that confident in high school. I always felt so small. It’s so obvious, so I wasn’t going to even talk about it, but my alcoholic father used to hit me. And when my parents got divorced, my self-pity just started to dominate me and I was always extremely driven to make something out of my life. But then one of my relatives in the US told me to come visit them. I thought that it might be an opportunity for me to turn my life around. After I took the college entrance exam, I got a job at this spicy squid stir-fry place, which paid the highest wages in my neighborhood, and I would work there after class until they closed to make some money. I worked so hard—I used to have to clean 1,000 spoons just by lunch time. That’s how I saved up enough to go to America, but after I got there, it wasn’t what I had expected. The majority of the friends that I made were surprisingly from Africa, not America. I especially had a lot of friends from countries like Kenya, Congo, and Uganda, but, out of all of those friends, I was the closest with a lady named Jolie who was 10 years older than me. She even had a kid, but she took such good care of me at a time when I wasn’t that great at English and was struggling to get used to everything. She would invite me to her house and even give me kimchi. It was through meeting those friends from Africa that I was able to start overcoming a lot of the prejudices that I had. I still remember that when I asked a friend from Côte d’Ivoire who I met at our orientation where he was from, he replied so calmly that Africa is a continent, not a country.”

- HOS Remote Interview Series

[humans-of-seoul]

“[3/3] UN에서 케냐로 파견 나가서 살 때 친구의 초대를 받고 슬럼가에 방문한 적이 있었요. 극심한 빈부 격차를 보고 환멸감이 들었죠. 제가 살던 곳에서 겨우 30분 떨어진 집인데 인간적으로 주거 환경이 너무 안 좋아서 대한민국에서 상상도 할 수 없는 곳이었어요. ‘이게 가능한가’, ‘말이 안된다’ 하고 눈물이 나오더라고요. 한편으로는 그곳에서 케냐의 희망과 미래를 봤어요. 그곳에 사는 사람들은 좌절하지 않거든요. 제대로 하면 뭐든지 할 수 있고 재밌게 살아 갈 수 있다는 ‘하쿠나 마타타’의 사고방식을 갖고 있었어요. 그렇게 생각하고 있었는데, 그곳에서 만난 분이 제가 어디에서 왔냐고 물었고, 한국에서 왔다고 하니 너희 나라는 위험하니 케냐로 이민 오라고 하시는 거에요. 케냐가 어떻게 보일지 몰라도 안전하고 살기 좋은 나라라구요. 그 당시 북한정권이 핵을 쏜다고 위협을 했던 시기였거든요. 생각해보니 사고라는 건 참 상대적이었던 거예요. 우리는 우리의 기준에서 판단하고 그저 서로의 상황에 동정을 하고 있던 거였죠.”

“[3/3] While living in Kenya after being dispatched there by the UN, I received an invitation from a friend and visited them in a poorer neighborhood. When I saw the extreme gap between the rich and the poor, I felt absolutely disgusted. The place was only 30 minutes away from where I lived, but the living conditions were so terrible, a place you couldn’t even imagine in Korea. I cried, wondering ‘Is this even allowed?’ ‘I don’t know what to say.’ Yet on the other hand, I witnessed Kenya’s hopes and future because the people who live there do not despair. They had a ‘hakuna matata’ way of thinking; they believed that you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it, and that you can have fun while trying. That’s what I thought until one of the people I met there asked me where I was from. When I told them I was from Korea, they suggested I immigrate to Kenya, since Korea is dangerous. They said that no matter how Kenya may seem on the outside, it’s a safe and good country. It’s because at the time, North Korea was threatening to use nuclear bombs. That’s when I realized that the way we think is actually very much relative. Both of us made judgements based on our own standards, and pitied the other for their circumstances.”

- HOS Remote Interview Series

[ao3commentoftheday]

you don’t get good at doing something by not doing it

you get good at doing something by doing it badly and learning how to do it better

[capisback]

are you ever just studying a language and you write a sentence and you physically cringe at it because you know it’s horrible, you just don’t know enough about the language to correct it

[theclassicsreader]

is anyone else getting absolutely no work done at all

[wtfstudiesss-deactivated]

- ̗ ̀ study break ideas  ̖ ́-

if you have 5 minutes...

watch a TED talk

light a candle

paint your nails

put on a hair/face mask

splash your face with cold water

walk around your house

stretch

have a small snack

make a cup of tea/coffee

clear your desk

if you have 10-15 minutes...

watch a longer TED talk

watch a youtube video on studying/something educational

do some yoga

go for a quick run

have a shower

make a smoothie

power nap

workout

organise your desk

if you have 20-35 minutes...

watch a longer TED talk

watch one short episode of a tv programme

do a longer workout

go for a longer run

go for a walk

bake something

call a friend

if you have 40-60 minutes...

watch a documentary

watch one longer episode of a tv programme

go for an even longer walk/run

have a bath

have a one hour nap to help you remember things

[languagessi-deactivated20210423]

To all of you who studied, practiced, spoke, or immersed yourself to your target language today: keep up the good work, I’m proud of you!