emma.

•all posts written by me•

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

i feel like you destroyed me. i feel like i was barely holding on, even though my entire life i’ve felt as though i’m inches from slipping away. but with you i felt better, i felt okay. and don’t mistake that for needing you, i’ve done it before and i’ll do it again. yes it hurts and i’m in pain, but i won’t go back to you. i know i deserve better. but you left me with this deep crack that i feel myself falling into. like the heels of my feet are balancing on the edge and your hand just let go of holding me. and now i’m alone and watching you walk away while i remember every single thing you ever told me.

i can’t stop thinking about every single promise you made that turned into a lie when you gave up. when you left me. when you decided one day it was all too hard and walked away. i wonder what went through your head that morning you decided you never wanted to see my face again. did you ever feel the pain? did you ever feel the loss? or did i not even matter enough to have a part in your soul? because mine feels ripped apart.

i dream about you. i wake up every morning and have to remind myself that it’s over. it’s done. i remind myself that nine months of you are gone and they’re never coming back.

how do i explain to myself that? how do i fucking erase the buried memories of you and i? everywhere i go i see you. i see you on the football field we watched the cricket on. i see you in the shower when we steamed up the bathroom. i remember your body laying next to mine on countless nights while i lay here cold and alone and craving the feel of your skin under my fingertips.

i have to remind myself not to wait for you. that you decided you’re never coming back. i have to explain to myself that you decided i wasn’t worth it. i have to visualise the moment you told me you didn’t want me anymore. i replay our last phone call in my head every single day, wishing you didn’t say all those things you did, wishing my tears were of happiness and relief than the crushing realisation that my world had just been blown apart and i was somehow supposed to be okay with it. how are you okay with it?

i feel so much pain yet i know you’re just fine. i know i got the short end of the stick, and all we had was only for you, only for you to leave me in the dirt like you did. i never stopped loving you. i would have moved mountains for you.

i question every single thing you ever said to me. i think that’s what hurts most of all. i don’t know when the love faded and the lies began. i just know that some people have no problem with destroying you when they’re supposed to love you to your core.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

i just don’t think i ever lose love for people

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

#depop #grunge #emo #cheap #jewellery #australia #freeshipping #clothing #shopping #goth #earrings

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

i want to tell you how much i adore you. i crave you like water in a desert. you amaze me. i don’t think i’ll ever stop falling in love with every single sight of you. i wish i could put into words the pride and love i feel every time i see you do something. you treat me in the way i could only imagine. you speak to me like i’m the softest thing in the universe. the way you hold me confirms how much i mean to you. your kisses melt me away. id risk it all for you, i would do anything you asked. id runaway with you, id stay forever. i just want you by my side. i want your voice in my ears and your words in my head. i want to know about every single thing that broke you down. i want to know what you wonder about, what you wish for, why you keep going. tell me what kills you. tell me what makes you ache. cry into my arms while i keep you safe. i would spend every single moment of my life loving you. i want to walk in your footsteps, breathe your air and live the way you do. i want to meet every person you love, because i know there’s something in everyone you know that you admire. i know that even the people who’ve fucked you over, you still talk about them like they’re your mate. i’ve never seen a heart go out like yours, the speed at which you would drop everything to help someone you love. your outlook on this world inspires me, like you’ve spent waking nights building a world of thoughts and plans for this lifetime. so many things i can imagine, you’ve done and you’ve got a story to tell about it. i wish i had that many memories, that many bonds, the experiences and things you’ve seen. it makes you who you are, and i can hear just how strongly things affected you when you speak. you talk about him without anger, without resentment. you talk about the ones you love with nothing but adoration. that’s how i talk about you, even when i copy your stupid catchphrases. you make me see the good in everyone, because you like to see it that way.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

i’m sorry i can’t explain it to you, i really wish i could. but my head is so fucking fuzzy i can’t even remember what i was doing a week ago.

i wish i could put into words to make you understand how sick i am of every tiny piece of life. i can’t put the words together to make you understand that day by day i’m fading out of this world and there nothing you nor anyone could ever do to make a difference.

how can i explain to the one i love that my existence on this earth is crumbling and it’s only a matter of time before i crash.

what do i say when i push everything in my life away but crave you so intensely i can’t function?

i can’t accurately tell you how much i need you because there’s no words for what i feel. i can’t express my love for you because i’m not sure it’s been described before.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

I know you love me, but I also know you’ll never love me the way I love you.

The way I crave you so much my body shakes and my heart won’t stop thumping in my chest.

Looking at you makes me feel every single emotion there is

Your touch sets my skin on fire

Having you in my arms sends my head into a spin that only you can get me into

I would drop every single thing in my life for you

It’s you and it’s only you

I love my family

I love my friends

But no one compares to you in a million years

Fuck the butterflies, I feel eutrophic on heroin when you kiss me

I love brutally and nothing will stop me from loving you like this my last day on earth

I want all of you. Every single secret, flaw and tear. I want it to be mine

I want to be the one you crave. I want you to cry for me. Yell for me. Ache me for me because I can’t stop aching and needing you

Everyone in the world can go to hell if it’s just you and me

Happiness is you and me and nothing else

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

It’s the little things that made me fall in love with you. The way you hold my face when you kiss me, your high-pitched laugh at the stupidest things. The little things that you do for me. Turning the volume down because I get nervous with loud noises. Covering my ears when im sleeping because you know my twitches get worse when im asleep. Your little nicknames for me that I roll my eyes at but secretly make me blush. Putting yourself on the side of the road closest to the cars so I’ll be safe. Being worried when I sleep in. How you always hug my mum when you see her. When you hold my hand or stroke my hair when I’m nervous. Getting up early on a Saturday morning and waiting on a train for nearly two hours just to see me.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

my goal

I’ll know I’ve finally gotten there when I go to bed late, curled up in your arms. Our own quiet home, in a place we’ve began to love. Our clothes and belongings mixed together, the smell of our scents intertwined in the air. Windows open, cool air breezing through our dim bedroom.

All I can hear is your soft breathing, my hand moving as your chest rises up and down. Your warmth and skin the only touch I could ever call home. I’ll lazily kiss your lips as you sleep and smile against your mouth.

We’ll dance in the kitchen while we make dinner to music we loved as children. We’ll sit on the bathroom floor and pass a bottle of whiskey between us as the sun rises. Let’s drive late at night to places we’ve never been and cry about the things we’ve had to let go of. Let me hold you while we sit on abandoned playgrounds and you tell me about the things that broke you.

I don’t want conversations about work or school. Tell me how you feel about me in the deepest way your heart can describe. Tell me what keeps you awake at night. Tell me what song means the most to you and the memories that replay in your head when you hear the chorus.

Let’s yell across the table at each other about all the things we can’t control, the things that eat you away. Punch a wall and tell me what ridiculous fear you have floating around in your head. I’ll throw a vase into the ground and scream for you to believe me when promise you my life.

Pick me up and set me down on the kitchen counter, kick the fruit bowl off and kiss me like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do. Rip my new dress in half and promise me you’ll buy me a new one as you leave marks over my body. Let that aggressive streak unleash as you tell me I’m all yours. Imagine them all having me as you make it known to the world that we belong together.

Hold my hand as we walk through the streets, watch them all look at me when my heart will only ever crave you. Let’s put on our most expensive attire and have drinks in the poshest restaurant we can find. Let’s make fun of the uptight waiters and the rich bastards dining with their five course meals.  Let them watch as we laugh a little too loudly and kiss a bit too passionately for a dinner date.

Let’s surprise each other at work with our memorized coffee orders, I’ll tell you how adorable you look in that uniform as you go red in front of your coworkers. Come home as the suns setting and the rains falling, walk into the smell of dinner and our child in puppy form racing at your heels.

Let’s live every single day like it’s our last. Let’s love like we’ve never felt pain. Let’s be you and me.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

I’m scared I’ll push you away. Well not me, my sadness. The numbness in my veins, the dull ache in my head. The sad, tired and helpless tears that seem never-ending. The need for you that you’ll find one day to be incredibly annoying and draining.

It’s not cute clingy love. You came into my life when I was in a very dark place, and you pulled me out of it. But I’m still one push away from falling back into that darkness. It’s terrifying to know I could be back there if I lost you.

I know you tell me I won’t lose you. But that’s what they all say. That’s what he said before he left me.

But you’re different. Maybe it won’t end like last time. But what if you can’t handle it? I can barely. I understand if you can’t. Why would you want to stick around me?

I try so hard for you. You are my motivation. You don’t know the pure joy I feel when you tell me you’re by my side. But I think there’ll always be that voice telling me one day I’ll be too much and you’ll walk away from me.

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

i found love where it wasn’t supposed to be

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

yeah i hate that i still think about you

because i know you couldn’t give a single shit about me

i don’t have any love in my heart for you

i only wish you’d come back so i could crush you like you did 

i hope it hurts you

i hope one night you’re lying in bed and it all comes flooding back

i hope you regret it with every feeling in your body

i hope you lie awake at 2am begging into the night sky that you didn’t fuck up what we had

i hope you see me with someone new and feel your heart ache

fuck you

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

[all-i-wanted-was-u]

this blog was dedicated to you for a long time. all of these words i wrote from my heart all about you. all about my love for you. but that’s long gone now. our love turned to hate. i wish i could tell you to your face that i hate you. i hate you for everything you did to me. for everything you didn’t do for me. fuck you. you never deserved me. 

thank god you let me go those months ago. i would have never met him if you hadn’t. luckily my love for him is as strong as my hate for you. 

i hope one day someone breaks you the way you broke me.