Jokes

Certain jokes aren't exactly PC Back ground is the seal of approval

[all-the-jokes]

[OFF TOPIC]

Hey everyone! Long time no post.

Recently finished an app that randomly generates writing prompts called Nellie: Writing Prompt Bot on google play! They can definitley be funny so it's worth checking out. Follow us on twitter @BotNellie, on r/NelliePrompts kn reddit or @nellie-writing-prompts here on tumblr!

[all-the-jokes]

I always wonder if the person who came up with "One hit wonder" ever came up with any other phrases

[all-the-jokes]

I'm learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I've got the ins and outs

[all-the-jokes]

I was going to make a Gay joke...butt fuck it!

[all-the-jokes]

I, for one, like Roman Numerals

[all-the-jokes]

I ordered a giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night...

The bill was huge

[all-the-jokes]

I stole my wife's wheelchair after we had a fight.

Guess who came crawling back

[all-the-jokes]

The invisible man married the invisible woman and had a family.. The children were nothing to look at...

Credit: screechingzombiestarlight for sending that one in

[all-the-jokes]

My friend refused to believe he was gay and dyslexic

He was in daniel

[all-the-jokes]

I saw a sitcom about plane drivers

Well, I saw the pilot

[all-the-jokes]

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb. None, vegans can’t change anything

[veganhumor]

How many carnists does it take to change a light bulb. None, carnists like living in the dark.

[veganpoledancer]

We don’t need to change the light bulb anyway. Cavemen didn’t have light bulbs.

[opinionatedvegan]

But light bulbs feel pain too so really you’re just as bad tho

[punkassvegan]

I would change the lightbulb if all you damn annoying lightbulb changers weren’t so pushy and aggressive 😤

[spudwitch]

I could change my lightbulb but it won’t make a difference cos you can’t get rid of ALL the darkness

[acti-veg]

I had this friend who changed a lightbulb once and almost died

[theleafyqueen]

Changing a lightbulb is too damn expensive.

[friendlyneighborhooddba-deactiv]

These new light bulbs would lead to tungsten deficiency.

[deep-green-existentialist]

Tigers don’t change lightbulbs, why would you expect me to?

[oat-leaf]

Not everyone can change a lightbulb, so I certainly won’t

[vegan-briar-rose]

The only time a thread from @all-the-jokes has actually been funny

[all-the-jokes]

Why is every gender equality officer female?

Its cheaper that way

[all-the-jokes]

A horse is sitting at home watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

[all-the-jokes]

I told my wife she'd drawn her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

[all-the-jokes]

Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it's probably shit

[all-the-jokes]

Correct punctuation

It's the difference between a sentence being well-written and a sentence being, well, written.

[all-the-jokes]

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got twelve months