i talked to too many people yesterday, didn’t get a chance to write. which i did a lot of thinking, so that’s good too. i also started falling asleep at the gangway lmfao. but i think that just means i shouldn’t hit my pen after already taking an edible lmfao. its been so nice to have such a good routine with this schedule honestly, i feel like i am getting a lot of good, functional, time, where i am actually doing things that give me life.
i set up a contract on the bird over the summer! june 7th until august 16. so ill probably also go back to NYC for a while, because may is the busiest month for catering and it would be nice to get some shifts in there. especially during the spring, love the spring in new york. and if i go back for like two weeks i could actually have time to see people and all that. wow that would be SO FUN. and i won’t have to stress about any personal stuff, hopefully taylor will be there, and i could hopefully get a lot of reading done. although i say that all the time on the boat and it never actually happens lmfao.
i think adrienne and i will get to be roommates next week!!! it will be so so nice to hopefully be able to see her more often, and if miranda and i were roommates AND on the same shift? that would be i think overwhelming for me. and it might be kinda nice if sarah kinda pursues her, especially bc they have overlap with hooking up with grace. i know i probably need to have the conversation with miranda, because its not fair to her to not.
its funny also that miranda and i literally lived in the same neighborhood in NYC, where i thought i was going to like ‘self actualize and become the author i always dreamed of,’ and adrienne lives in san diego, next to LA, a place where i never thought i wanted to move bc it felt like the people there were so false and that it would be hard to make genuine connections. but that’s the problem i ended up having in NYC basically. in a different way i guess, those were all boring people, but still, it feels like the same sort of problem. i thought i would be able to connect with people in NYC better than in LA, and i haven’t lived in LA, but i do already have a lot a lot of friends out there, who could help me find those genuine connections. shit maybe i need to move out to LA and see what happens. bc also the tall ships run out of san diego tool, so i could do that for a min out there. and then i would have a place to live! and maybe i could get a scooter or something, MAYBE a motorcycle, but honestly probably not.
i feel the precipice of another big change on the horizon. spring to winter is such an invigorating time of year, its like all the seeds you didn’t know you planted are suddenly bursting out of the soil. i didn’t expect to be thinking about making a change so soon, i thought deck would have kept me occupied for longer. i mean, at least i know i can always fall back on it, ya know? also we have no idea what the future holds, i guess i just didn’t think i would be thinking about it this much. venture was a very present contract, it felt like i couldn’t be anywhere but there, couldn’t focus on anything or anyone else. i feel like i kind of got consumed in it. i wonder if i have a tendency to do that, i’m thinking i do. especially with people i really really care about. i can really just give up my whole self for someone i love. why is that i wonder? well fuck actually i know!
talking with the therapist i realized i still have a lot of actions/thought processes that point to having low self worth/esteem. and honestly that makes sense. i feel like sometimes i don’t have a strong sense of self, or maybe its a strong pride in myself. i just feel like i am willing to give up everything that makes me happy, for me, by myself - willing to give it up for connection. and i know connecting with people is the ultimate source of life for me but this seems more to come from how i think love inherently has to be about sacrifice, self sacrifice specifically. “your work in the new paradigm is to give up being selfless and altruistic all the time. focus on elevating your own soul, and watch it ripple effect without you needing to manage how.” i feel like that is exactly what i’m struggling with. and also i don’t have to be the one to carry everyone, i feel like that’s what i try to do but that’s not at all how it works. and meeting people at their level does not meet lowering yourself, sacrificing yourself.
maybe i need to remember that i am a person too, and connecting with myself is the same as connecting with other people. i usually go about it but connecting with other people helps me get back in touch with myself, but i could also work on trying to find my way back to myself by myself. it seems like i am trying to do that right now, and it feels like its working. it really doesn’t give me a lot of time for other people, but actually what tf am i saying? i have been hanging out with everyone i love here! the circle has gotten smaller, but honestly that is not a bad thing.
god i really do love my life though. i feel like the amount of love and care i have been giving myself this past week has really boosted my emotional well being and my sense of self. gosh i really need to remember this, need to hold on to this practice.
