Staying Sober: 3 Years In Recovery Three years ago, today, I was huddled in my bed, having a full blown panic attack. My family stood in my room, holding phones with more loved ones on the line, all trying to convince me to get up, and finally, go to rehab. I am Natalie, and I am an alcoholic. Thankfully, I am in recovery. But I know the look of shock and disgust that is most likely on your face right now. Addiction is a truly mis-understood disease. and yes, it’s a disease. It is hereditary, and involuntary. Maybe the choices made by addicts are self-centred and voluntary, but I assure you, the place these decisions come from are a very primitive part of the brain. Imagine trying to hold off lunch while you finish the big project you’re working on. Imagine dying of thirst while you work in the garden, in the blistering heat. Imagine trying to hold your breath just for a few more seconds while your brain screams at you for more oxygen. Now imagine doing any of those, all while feeling an excruciatingly crushing feeling of guilt, or having your family cry and plead with you not to breathe, eat, or drink. God, that last one is familiar. Many’s the time my family would beg me not to drink. I can’t count how many times my husband watched me with trepidation as I poured another. My in-laws would sit me down and grill me on why I drank, where did I think it came from? How come I couldn’t just have one drink? How could they help? And each time, I just couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to, oh how badly I wanted to. But I just couldn’t find the strength. Then eventually, it all fell apart. My husband and in-laws were fed up. My family started to ignore me. My mom would stand in my room and sob, helplessly. People were starting to suspect, and make fun of me. I was starting to wake up with serious injuries, with no memory of how they happened. Something had to give. So I went. I went to rehab. I checked myself into Bellwood Health Centre and stayed for 22 days. I attended classes on addiction, coping strategies, and building healthy lifestyles. I dragged myself through fitness, yoga and outdoor games. I sat around with new friends and laughed ourselves silly at Bellwood practices, and cried at what fuck-ups we were. I attended my first AA meetings, and even fell into chairing them myself. I wrote pages and pages of my daily revelations in my journal every night. And, much to my surprise, I LOVED IT. I loved every minute of my so-called incarceration. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all fun and games, nor was it like “28 Days” or “Girl Interrupted” or those other “quirky girl is locked up for a period of time, and comes into her own during said lockup.” movies. It was fucking hard! It felt like my world was upside down. Every fiber of my being yelled at me how strange this all was. But it was RIGHT! This was what I had wanted, deep down, for so long! This was who I meant to be! So I persevered. I get teased a lot in my aftercare group, which I still attend, about my perfect record. I’m the only one there, without a single relapse. It isn’t easy, however. It’s extremely difficult, something I have to battle on a daily basis. I had to re-program myself to enjoy things without alcohol. I had to teach myself to withstand stress and problems without giving in. I’ve now gotten used to being excluded from certain events or family functions because I don’t want to make myself, or others uncomfortable. Some days are definitely harder than others. But through it all, I reply back to my group: Why the hell would I want to drink again?!” And it’s completely true! Since becoming sober, I have my family back. My husband is more in love with me than ever. My in-laws are proud of me. I’ve earned back the respect of my peers. I contribute to my group and we help each other through tough times. Not only that, I have a good job, and skills I never had before. I now own a beautiful house. I blog, cook and bake (while not using a drop of alcohol) and it makes me whole. I actually take care of myself and look even better at 31, than I ever did at 21. Sure, life isn’t perfect, but goddamn, is it good. 💖Stay Strong💖