What is the point?

A very conflicted person

[toiich]

James Baldwin

[weltenwellen]

Danez Smith, Don't Call Us Dead

[allshadesofconflicted]

I spoke out today without thinking twice about it.

For context I am a graduate trainee at a bank an though the onboarding process has been pretty smooth for me, I was nervous about a couple of things. So here are my achievements in the one week I have been at the bank.

1. I approach the time stamp like an old timer. Previously I was worried it would hurt me.

2. I call out for a colleague across the banking hall without thinking about it. "Mary via please." Previously the thought of having to speak out to a colleague with all the customers there made me think twice.

I am learning to become or take all the space I need

[lacycrow]

love is slicing some apples for myself, drinking green tea in a pretty teacup i found a few days ago in a random thrift store, reading oscar wilde underlining every quote i love and adding it to my notion, brushing my hair for a few minutes longer than usual, taking a few deep breaths, hugging myself, writing kind letters to my future self, making ramen at 3 am and watching ghibli movies bundled up in blankets. journaling with pretty ink pens, scrolling on pinterest, organising my desk and best of all, peeling a pomegranate for myself.

[allshadesofconflicted]

Love is waking up in time to exercise daily, eating breakfast before heading out to work, making healthy meals for lunch and dinner, taking out time to study, writing to myself everytime I have something to say, realizing that every feeling is temporary and not letting others reactions get to me, scrolling on pinterest, organizing my notes, adding fruits and veggies to my meals and best of all taking hot cocoa in my flask to the office even though the extra load is a bit uncomfortable.

[anxeious]

[allshadesofconflicted]

Tomorrow's my birthday.

[clementineoil]

spent too long thinking I’m ugly … so much brain space… like when mitski said “your body doesn’t exist to be looked at. it exists to DO, go places, let you exist! imo I don’t wanna waste all my time preserving it for viewing”

[allshadesofconflicted]

What we do holds more weight than how we look in the long run.

[allshadesofconflicted]

2024 is ending and I can't ignore reviewing myself this past year. Did I grow? Did I hit my goals?

This is the first time in a while that I am ending the year thankful. I couldn't afford the trip home last year but this year I am able to and I can spend the holidays at home in Lagos with my mum. This December I visited 2 aunts I had not seen since I was a toddler. I met my cousins, now young adults like myself. This is big for me and its highlight of what I have to be thankful for.

I am ending the year with an invitation to join a bank's graduate trainee program January. That's a job and a good salary to start 2025 with. I am thankful for this opportunity.

I don't know if I'll like it. I don't know if it's what I want. I am scared I'll turn into someone this Joanna will not recognize if I take this job, but I am also reminding myself that it may not a bad thing. I am scared I won't be able to deliver what this new job will demand. I am scared I am setting myself up for a job i might hate.

But I am also reminding myself to be kind to myself. I am 25, with no s/o or kids, I can leave this job if I don't like it. I am smart and can learn, I can pick up what I need to. I am surrounded by people who are willing to help whenever I get stuck. If I figured my 20-24 years I'll be fine in my 25th year.

There is only one way to go and that's up.

[allshadesofconflicted]

I am turning 25 thankful and scared.

I am acknowledge my growth and progress and very aware of my flaws.

I am getting myself watercolors as a birthday gift.

[allshadesofconflicted]

2024 is ending and I can't ignore reviewing myself this past year. Did I grow? Did I hit my goals?

This is the first time in a while that I am ending the year thankful. I couldn't afford the trip home last year but this year I am able to and I can spend the holidays at home in Lagos with my mum. This December I visited 2 aunts I had not seen since I was a toddler. I met my cousins, now young adults like myself. This is big for me and its highlight of what I have to be thankful for.

I am ending the year with an invitation to join a bank's graduate trainee program January. That's a job and a good salary to start 2025 with. I am thankful for this opportunity.

I don't know if I'll like it. I don't know if it's what I want. I am scared I'll turn into someone this Joanna will not recognize if I take this job, but I am also reminding myself that it may not a bad thing. I am scared I won't be able to deliver what this new job will demand. I am scared I am setting myself up for a job i might hate.

But I am also reminding myself to be kind to myself. I am 25, with no s/o or kids, I can leave this job if I don't like it. I am smart and can learn, I can pick up what I need to. I am surrounded by people who are willing to help whenever I get stuck. If I figured my 20-24 years I'll be fine in my 25th year.

There is only one way to go and that's up.

[allshadesofconflicted]

Hello Birthday Blues

It's a week to my 25th birthday

Play me my curated moody playlist on Spotify

[clementineoil]

spent too long thinking I’m ugly … so much brain space… like when mitski said “your body doesn’t exist to be looked at. it exists to DO, go places, let you exist! imo I don’t wanna waste all my time preserving it for viewing”

[pocket-deer-belly]

(through gritted teeth) sometimes what's good for your mental health isn't another do nothing day or a little treat sometimes what's good for you is putting in some of the work. Not all of it at once but sometimes you have to finish that essay or at least take the next step or you have to clean your room or at least dust the shelves or you gotta do the laundry or at least put it all in the hamper and it's not fun and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks but you have to because i read a post on the internet that told me that's what being nice to yourself is sometimes

[allshadesofconflicted]

Aaaarghhhh

[resqectable]

“Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before you had your first heartbreak or before you got betrayed by a person you trusted?”

— Unknown

[allshadesofconflicted]

I miss the person I was before I graduated college.

But I also know I needed to leave that person behind.

[glowcowboy]

i don’t know. i’m barely a person. i just want to be kind and hold someone’s hand. eat an ice cream cone. stare at the lake. feel the sun on my skin. lay in the grass. run through a sprinkler. it’s so easy to forget life is supposed to feel like a deep breath and not a gasp

[letmesleeponu4sumtime]

I have a lot of creative energy, yet I sit mindlessly scrolling through lobotomizing Instagram reels and TikToks. I've thought countless times about what to do about my restlessness, but I stay stagnant. I want to make something personal and honest with all of my favorite things. I worry if what I make will be enough for me, I doubt myself a lot but my contentment is getting harder to come by and I think I just need to do it

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

The 21-Day-Effect

[allshadesofconflicted]

Rewatching Unknown is the perfect remedy to The On1y One

[absolutebl]

wait excuse me that was the last episode of the on1yone? i genuinely had no clue - i guess i assumed the show had one or two more weeks left of run time. i'm so upset argh

Yep. That was the last one.

[allshadesofconflicted]

I am pretty disappointed. Even the side couple did not make any progress either. I am beginning to regret picking this up.

[florbexter]

Yearning, noun

a feeling of intense longing for something

[allshadesofconflicted]

It has been a while since a show ended with me devastated and ruined. Thank you Taiwan

[septemberkisses]

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

[allshadesofconflicted]

Ah....