All the Pretty Heathens @alltheprettyheathens - Tumblr Blog

i can't stop shaking.

fun times walking to the library to do some homework and suddenly my hands won't stop shaking and I have to stop and mentally try to pull myself together. I was almost crying and every thought I had was digging me into a deeper hole. Things like "no one loves you" and "you're alone because you're too uptight and you don't know how to have fun and that's why no one ever wants to be around you" and "you're ugly and not smart and indecisive and you're never going to amount to anything" and "everyone's just disappointed in you so you might as well quit" are going through your brain like drive-bys, a bullet to my brain and I can't stop them. I literally can feel myself sinking into hopelessness and another panic attack.

But panic attacks are the popular new "what's wrong with me this week" so I'd be just jumping on the bandwagon, a ply for attention. I don't want attention, but honesty would be nice. I can't even trust my best friend- the nagging feeling in my head after our last fight before christmas break and my panic attack then (which she didn't care anything about) has me unable to trust anyone. Which is stupid. But I can't. I know they aren't telling me the truth. I don't know if anyone really actually wants to be my friend, or if they're staying around because they're stuck with me.

But I'm going to stop talking now because the shaking has started again and it's hard to type.

I'm gonna go on a walk.

i need to go home.

I wanna just chill the fuck out. Not that I can at home because I have no time to chill the fuck out because there's too much to do but I'm so apathetic right now I just can't bring myself to care about grades or my roommate snapping at me and me snapping right back or getting anything done because I'm stuck in a rut.

rut s t u c k .

i wanted to murder your face for a moment

and then you played me metric and sting and seemed legitimately interested in my aches and pains. And when I left, you came to me. Small things are lovely.

still confused over here.

i might have kinda missed you this weekend. but i can't decide if i'm legit interested or just lonely. or something.

I can't decide if I like you or not.

just how much would it throw you for a loop if i curled up against you or wanted to hold your hand?

loyal badger

my sister calls me at 1:30 last night in hysterics.

her boyfriend of almost four years came to visit her from alaska.

He mentioned some other girl, but insisted when eva asked him about it that he didn't sleep with her.

She asked him three times. He denied it.

She made him swear on his mother's grave that he was telling the truth. He gave in.

She's so broken and it's physically killing me that I can't be there holding her right now.

You don't fuck with my family. I was in hysterics at her hysterics.

I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him so, so badly.

I just...I can't put into words this rage.

I don't know how to deal with this.

The Slow Fade

That's what they call it when, instead of being perfunctory and direct, you fade from a friendship in order to let it end. When they call, you let it go to voicemail. When they text, you let it sit a while before you respond in very basic language. When you make no move to be the contactor, rather than the contacted. Just...let it slip away.

Two best-friendships have ended for me this way. Probably more if I think about it. Several regular friendships have ended this way. One something-resembling-a-relationship. The whole out of sight, out of mind concept is a curse for me that I can't seem to break. Sloth and greed, one on each shoulder.

So the question becomes, what will happen when you leave me? Korea is a small eternity from here, and I can't be trusted. But it's not fair to you that I expect too much for you. If I could keep my vows, I would promise never let us fade into the nothingness.

awesome day.

today i went and shot shotguns

and went over 100 miles per hour in a bmw

and then ate kfc and played pokemon snap for a small eternity.

it was totally absolutely fantabulous.

and it totally made me horny as hell.

and the award goes to...

It wasn't the timing belt that snapped in my car, so count me lucky there. On all other fronts, count me fucked.

Finals week(s) is always hard for me. I don't get stressed until it all piles up on me at once and then it immediately overflows and I go insane. Literally. I get depressed, bipolar, I flip the fuck out. So yesterday I was going through my schedule and hey! that time's come around again. Only early, because they have me working 30 hours at work the week of finals. Which means I need to get EVERYTHING done two weeks in advance to be able to deal with all of it. There are three days of me working from 7:15-6:15...an all day shift with only a 30 minute break. And then BAM! let's start Spanish I in Maymester! Not even a couple days off. Guess who doesn't get to see her mum or dad until fucking July?

And I've been a really shitty friend lately. This seems to be the year of stupid mistakes: hitting Erb's car, then last night I was stupid and deleted all of Jessica's bookmarks from the laptop she doesn't really use anymore, thinking it would be helpful, not realizing it would sync to her desktop and delete them all there too. And I was so caught up in my guilt and worry and crying, I missed my other friend's capstone reading that I'd sincerely wanted to go to; that I'd promised her I'd go to. Apparently it brought people to tears, and I fucking missed it.

And I'm taking three guesses that the next person to get hurt will be my girlfriend-that-isn't-my-girlfriend, because as of right now, I just don't have any time for anyone. And she's leaving at the beginning of May. It makes me want to drown myself in the shower. She's trying really hard to be supportive and understanding and I'm flailing all over the place and falling to pieces and I just can't handle anything anymore. I'm sorry to her, to Jess, to Michelle, to everyone and their mothers.

Apparently this year is my year to win the shitty friendship award.

I miss my mum and dad. Thank god the cat will always love me (at five am on the only day of the week I get to legitimately sleep in).

Tired Days

Car broke today. Timing belt snapped. Won't even know if that's actually it until Monday, maybe Tuesday. I'm tired. I have a ton of shit to do and now I'm just dragging. Constant headache.

There is some pretty funny adult humor in Aladdin and the King of Thieves.

Sinking Friend-ships

People really piss me off sometimes. Sometimes they have no right to complain or passive-aggressively take their anger out on me. We weren't fucking in your room, we weren't making out in your room, we were holding hands. I asked you if you wanted us to leave you alone, and you said no.

I can respect that you're going through a rough time right now between being a senior and having a job and just generally an epic shit-ton to do. I respect that you're feeling lonely and third-wheelish when two of your close friends strike up a relationship of whatever-it-ends-up-being. But when you gave her your permission to make advances on me and I reciprocate, you've just signed away your bitch rights.

And now, if I didn't have to worry about somehow screwing up my friendship with her to develop this relationship, I have to worry about you feeling hurt, left out, whatever. I'm a cross between flattered and annoyed that you have/had a crush on me, because I love you and respect you as a friend and I want you to be happy too but I don't want to put my finally developing love life on hold for your whims.

But if you find that you can't deal with this, I'm more want to blame your issues on your own insecurities than to find fault with myself.

Love triangles really suck balls, especially when they're lesbian.

Curiosity? said the cat

And in the spring I shed my skin And it blows away with the changing wind The waters turn from blue to red As towards the sky I offer it.

There are so many things going on right now, and it really couldn't be better. With the exception of certain poisonous people, but I don't want to talk about that. When I finally graduate I'm going to drop everything and move to Missoula, Montana with my sister. The only thing I'm worried about is the cat because I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to part with him after my roommate and I part ways, but I do know and understand that I would leave him if it would be better for him in the long run.

But on to more fun and exciting things: I kissed a girl and I fucking love it. My friend, to be exact. And there are all kinds of questions and issues flying through my head but my ultimate goal is to enjoy this and embrace it, and what happens, happens. I am the kind of romantic who has a habit of throwing themselves in head first, and in a case like this, we don't really even know what we're doing other than that we both like each other and are...curious. As long as the friendship comes first we can enjoy each other's company...in more ways than one.

But I love taking her out and buying her baklava and watching her be all shy and cute. I love playing this adult, typically masculine roll that calls not necessarily for dominance, but for me to have control over myself and the situation, and confidence.

As someone who normally has no confidence or feeling of self worth, doing little things for her like paying for her ticket to the ballet or going to an art opening together (things we both love) thrills me. But as it is I have no idea what we are. It's not that pressing of a matter though, I don't think :)

Language barriers

I was at work today and I had two guys come in looking at books and stuff. The one guy was totally gay and definitely not from the south: his diction was too clear. We greeted him, and he made some comment about being this deep in the south and how it was so foreign to him! I asked where he was from, and he said the Chicago area. He made some comment about not being able to understand the majority of southern accents--my manager especially. I laugh and make some comment on how it's hard to get used to, and he turns to me and says something to the effect of "but not you!". He identifies that I must not be from around here; I don't sound southern. He asks me a question and I answer, and he says he pegs my accent from the Northeastern area- to which I affirm, I was born in Boston and spent the majority of my life before moving to the south in Maryland, Maine, Massachusetts, and Vermont (as well as California, but that obviously wasn't part of the northeastern states!).

All in all, it made me so happy to know that someone not southern would catch that I'm not southern. That I don't have a southern accent despite having been here for 10+ years now.

I wholeheartedly disapprove of the south. They're backstabbing liars and cheats. At least us northerners are nice to your face or bitchy to your face, but we don't play as many games :D

Sins: Parents

So, my wreck made my insurance go out the roof. The only way to get around it would be to get rid of my car: it's the nicest one of my family's cars, the newest, and before a couple weeks ago, the nicest. Needless to say I shouldn't be the one driving it. So dad said we could switch cars, which means that I would be taking back the little Ford Focus I drove all through high school. It's a perfectly good car, taken very good care of, even if it is a about 11 years old. The thing there is that Aki desperately needs four new tires and new breaks, about a $450 investment. I have about half of that money saved for "emergencies", and the other half I would have from birthday money- I average about $300-400 per birthday, because it's easier to send someone a check inside a card than an entire package.

The trick now is trying to convince my parents to let me spend this money. It's not something they would do. But, in all consideration, it is my fault that this happened, I should be the one taking responsibility. And fuck me if I'm not going to, even if that means going behind their backs to get it done.

Sins: Wrath

I HATE STUPID PEOPLE.

WHINERS.

PEOPLE WHO SAY, I'M GONNA DO THE DISHES BECAUSE YOU COOKED DINNER BUT ONLY DO HALF OF THEM.

PEOPLE WHO CAN'T JUST COME OUT AND SAY I DON'T LIKE/WANT/BLAH BLAH BLAH SOMETHING OR ANOTHER BUT INSTEAD HAVE TO BEAT AROUND THE BUSH SO IF YOU DISAGREE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE SHUTTING THEM DOWN AND DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THEIR OPINION BUT IN THE END YOU REALLY END UP NOT GIVING TWO SHITS ABOUT THEIR OPINION. NOT EVEN ONE, BECAUSE THEY WHINE ABOUT IT SO FUCKING MUCH.

UGH.

honesty boxes.

it drives me up the wall when people post honesty boxes, or those "my top three characteristics in three words" things or blah de blah blah and only expect lovey dovey you're-so-perfect shit back. They get offended if you include their two best traits then for the third one put one of their flaws.

To me, to act like that defeats the purpose of an "honesty box". And to ask for only nice shit shows how fucking insecure and petty you really are. And selfish.

LOVEMELOVEMELOVEME.

What are we, in high school again?

So, to prove a point, to all the people not reading this...give me my most significant three characteristics/traits in three words, and do not fear being mean. BE HONEST. I enjoy backhanded compliments.

For example, I think I'm pretty genuine. I can be genuinely nice, and I can be genuinely a bitch. But don't mistake it, I'm fucking genuine all the way around. No games coming from this gal :D

#honesty boxes

>.<*

I am all kinds of epically fucking pissed right now because I missed three days of bc pills, and while this usually wouldn't be a problem, because Jessica recently ended hers, the hormones got mine going. A week and a half early. Which makes me way to exceptionally moody. So when Jessica also forgets to call me and let me know that Hey! I'm out of class and am going to the antique store like I told you I was earlier when I invited you to go...I get far more pissed than I should and it's SO SO hard to let it go. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. And I can't talk or eat properly because I have a sore on the back of my tongue. And don't get in between me and my fucking food when I'm this fucking lonely on fucking VALENTINES DAY and ON MY PERIOD FOR NO DAMN REASON and THIS FUCKING PISSED. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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