ALL THE SAME LIGHT BULBS

And other Perth food trends.

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Vacanza Pizzeria (Sydney)

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Lucky Chan’s

Lucky Chan’s is probably the most hyped restaurant ever to open in Perth.

We arrived early, to avoid any lines try and get what would have been an amazing view of the Perth skyline as the sun went down. Absurdly, we weren’t allowed up to the number 1 selling point of this restaurant, the rooftop, because they didn’t have anybody serving up there. Very strange.

The hype started building last year, by necessity, to get enough interest in the project to publicly fund the joint. Interesting concept? Sure. The concept also includes ramen noodles, bao and various other hip foods with a diverse range of Asian influences. This part is a lot less original, it’s pretty much plagiarised from literally the most hyped restaurant in the world (from the most hyped chef in the world) Mofofuku noodle bar.

Take a seat at the bar! I’m all for sitting at a bar, if it’s a great bar to sit at. At Momofuku, or even our own No Mafia, you get to sit meters away from the chefs and watch them work, that’s cool. Duende has a decent bar, and you are having tapas so it makes sense. The bar at Lucky Chan’s low, cramped and awkward… if we can’t sit upstairs at least give us a table.

We don’t really have a ramen culture here, definitely not the way they do in New York. I don’t know why really, maybe there is something we’re not getting? I’m afraid Lucky Chan’s won’t be the place to change that. The noodles are a great texture, but the broth served with them had no flavour at all. It’s as if the chef never tasted it before serving it to us, hopefully this will get better.

Of the three bao on offer, you need only order the chicken, which was pretty great. The tofu and lamb, as you’d expect really, don’t work at all. I guess they figured if they had a pork belly bao on the menu David Cheng really would sue.

It was never going to be possible to live up to the hype, but I was really hoping Lucky Chan’s would get a little closer. Maybe they will eventually? I’ll certainly be back, because there is one thing they definitely did get right. They are open late, and the food really is perfectly suited to it. More importantly, I’m sick of having to walk all the way to Lake street after Dominion closes.

And I really want to get up on that rooftop. With a beer and chicken bao. It’ll be great.

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Sauma

Fresh. Local. Seasonal. Inventive. 

These words are so overused that in 2015 there won’t be many who don’t roll their eyes at them. Except maybe, when they get applied to Indian food?

Because they do actually matter! And too many Indian restaurants follow the same old recipe to produce pretty much the same cheap, stodgy, dependable but predictable food. Leave organic to the hipsters.

Sauma proves it doesn’t have to be this way. The menu is genuinely exciting and interesting. Maybe it’s because a lot of this is South Indian food in a North Indian restaurant scene? We still ordered naan though (definitely North Indian) and it was amazing.

The waitress started off by giving us the “this food is designed to share” speech I have heard a million times. Yeah, we get it. Where do you think I live? Also, for the record, I don’t think I’ve ever been to an Indian restaurant without sharing everything.

Lamb ribs are worth ordering, if only so you can say “this heart attack tastes amazing”. The prawns for sure, get those. I think the best advice is to go with a big group so you can try more of the dishes.

Its a big open space in pretty much the best location in Perth. And the fit out is pretty well done, looks a little what Brika would like like if they hadn’t drawn on their walls. I really wish Brika hadn’t drawn on their walls.

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Bangkok On William

Thai, Vietnamese and Chinese restaurants on William street are well established as the places to go for decent food, low prices and truely horrible ambiance. The crappy, fading decor is almost celebrated, as a sign of value and authenticity.

There is a smug sense of superiority involved, from being able to tell the difference between one place run down because it is slowly going out of business and another that is run down because the food is so good nobody cares.

I just want to be able to sit somewhere more pleasant than a hospital corridor, bring along a bottle of Reisling and have some Thai food I know will be good. And now William street has such a place.

The roast duck in red curry sauce is exactly as good as you would expect that to be.

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Clarences - Cheap Eats

I dislike the term "gourmet burger" not just because it's pompous but also because, like all of the burger chains here, it misses the point.

A good burger shouldn't be about exotic bread or innovative combinations of relishes. It certainly shouldn't attempt to be low fat. Grill'd burgers have the consistency of a vulcanised tofu, how am I the only one who notices this?!?

None of the Perth burger chains get it right, despite how simple it is. Good meat and nothing else, ground up but not packed too tight, cooked to medium rare. The bun has to be soft enough to squish down in your grasp, and to soak up the juices. No turkish bread.

Thank god somebody at Clarences has been to New York, or maybe has just also heard of serious eats. I had intended to specifically ask for my burger medium rare, but forgot. No need, as it turned out, my burger came out still pink and juicy in the middle. Yes!

I am so excited about a good burger in Perth I haven't even mentioned the fact it was Pint & Parma night. Well, it was a monday, so the beer is 5 bucks a pint. The parma was pretty good, but like the beer pricing, kinda reminded me of 2005.

The burger actually doesn't cost any more than the chicken, so even on a monday it is the better choice. No, it doesn't come with anything else, but skip the chips because this burger is not a health food.

Both would have been better with hot sauce. I should have asked?

Don't think it makes a differences that it's Wagyu.

I really do hate Grill'd.

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St Michael

There are two types of amateur restaurant reviews you should immediately disregard.

The first is "bad service". It is well understood that the diner making this complaint has only bothered to post a review because they have been personally slighted. Read on, and in almost all cases the reviewer will reveal of themselves exactly what made them deserving of bad service.

The second is "portions too small".

Degustation menus in Perth have definitely peaked and fallen away, I think with good reason. Food that is laboured over like this is just better if you can say "oh god, now try this one",  and that can be really awkward if everybody at the table has their own tiny dish on a massive plate.

St Michael's has seen that, and in the shell of the restaurant that started it all in Perth, they get it. They still want to make something that can blow your mind, but why not 7 courses between you instead of each?

These guys don't take themselves as seriously as a Jacksons or Amusé. They put Vegemite in the whipped butter. Posh cauliflower cheese. A crumble out of caramalised corn flakes. It's funny, but its good. Really good.

The house made cured meats are a highlight. I have to learn how to make corned beef like that. 

The lamb shoulder tasted so intense it felt like they were cheating.

There are a lot of bitter flavours in these dishes, and I am a big fan of that. Radicchio and charred artichoke. Not for the young of palette.

You need to try this restaurant. And you can. It costs less than restaurants that are half as good.

Order the Lebanese wine.

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Brika

Brika does a few things right, and you need to know what they are because it also does a few things wrong.

First of all, pita bread. The pita is what brought me back to this place. On a previous visit I had ordered the Gyros lunch special (not pictured) which is and was basically a glorified kebab. It is really the quality of the warm, soft and delicious pita bread that distinguishes it from something you might get at 2am on James street. If you are not drunk yet, you can order that pita straight up for eating with the excellent hummus or other meze.

Secondly, cheese. The fried cheese is most definitely worth the risk of making a fool of yourself trying to pronounce it. I will never fail to order this. The "Village" salad (you know it as Greek salad, but they can't very well call it that at a Greek restaurant now can they?) comes with a very delicious and generous amount of Feta.

Some of the other dishes have been of variable quality. I think it is pretty hard to stuff up slow cooked lamb but they somehow found a way. Maybe we were unlucky.

And then there is the wine. The waitress proudly told me that the traditional Greek way to serve wine was in little tumbler glasses. Well, I am sorry but the French got that one right. Not that it matters, because all of the Greek wine served at Brika is undrinkably awful. Ok we haven't tried it all, but we have had several attempts at what came most highly recommended. France 2, Greece 0.

Order beer (Hop Hog on tap) or get a cocktail. And if you get a cocktail don't let them take your glass away, ironically they serve them in stemless wine glasses.

On a nice sunny day, Brika really is a great place to sit outside, drink beer and eat fried cheese, and things could be a lot worse than that!

You could, for example, be living in a country so indebted and irresponsible that your neighbours are forced to bail you out or face their own financial oblivion. France 2, Greece 1.

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The Meatball Bar Leederville

Pick one humble thing, and do it really well. It has become a mantra in the trendy food world. It seems so simple, anybody looking to cash in on a trend could do it.

It’s not. Slow cook a pork belly or cover a pizza in king prawns and it is easy to impress, but it takes real talent to blow somebody away with a pizza Margherita.

The meatball trend probably started in New York, as these things tend to, in NYC style “Italian” neighbourhood restaurants and sandwich carts. Australians were introduced to the idea by Melbourne’s Meatball & Wine Bar and it seemed trendy here even before it really was one.

The sliders with meatballs we had in Melbourne were the kind of mouthful that compel you to stop, look your friends in the eye, and share in a ridiculous facial expression.

The meatballs from the Meatball Bar in Leederville are the kind you might have gratefully thanked your mother for after dinner on a Tuesday, before running off to play more nintendo.

And frankly, even that would be ok! With a bottle of red (BYO only at the moment) and some friends it would still make for a good night…  if they weren’t so ridiculously expensive. You could go to Duende and get amazing balls with salted cod or jamon serano and it wouldn’t cost you any more.

I did really enjoy the red “Napoli” sauce on the classic beef balls, though the balls themselves (the whole point of the place) were bland.

Don’t order the prawn balls.

The menu system here is like filling out a multiple choice exam, and I just don’t see how that is a good thing.

Still better than going to Grill’d.

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Mary Street Bakery

I don’t think there is any street in Perth better to live on than Mary street. It’s a stunning archway of trees with Hyde park at one end, Beaufort Street at the other, views of the city skyline and, of course, Mary street bakery.

If you own a restaurant empire in Perth, and you want to serve decent bread, the thing to do is build yourself your very own bakery. Nic Trimboli did it with Bread in Common and the Cantina dudes have done it with this place. The bread is better at the former, but as I said, the location is better at the latter.

Ducking in to pick up a sourdough and a coffee can be pretty painful at the wrong time of day, no shortage of trendy locals with that idea too. You are better off staying for breakfast.

The simple, healthy(ish) option for breakfast is the slow eggs on toast. Check out the picture above, look how slow the eggs are! So slow. They have the consistency of a posh French sauce. A bit much on their own, best to order them with something on the side.

At the other end of the spectrum is the insanely decadent fried chicken on a pancake with peanuts and maple syrup. They put an egg on top, to try and convince you it’s breakfast. It’s madness is what it is, it tastes more than most people can handle early in the morning. Go on…

Also delicious and pictured above is the bacon and egg sandwich with HP sauce.

  If you spent your whole breakfast jealous because you didn’t order the pancake, don’t worry. Grab a salted caramel donut on your way out. Similarly spectacular.

Coffee here is served at the correct temperature. If you think it's too cold, I think you are too lame.

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Low Key Chow House

Leederville is an odd place, I think it was once pretty cool. It certainly remains very popular with people who were once pretty cool. But in the last few years Oxford has definitely lagged behind the likes of William and Beaufort as a street with cool places to eat.

At least there is Duende, and now Low Key Chow House.

The menu is a mixture of several different Asian food styles, and racist stereotypes. 

The concept reminds me of one of my favorite restaurants in Melbourne, “modern” Asian flavours in dishes best shared over a bottle of Riesling. The papaya salad here is second only to Chin Chin’s. Tastes a lot! Not for wimps.

The tom yum shooters are a cool little idea, intense and amazing but I did end up wishing I had more than a shot glass. And how the hell are you supposed to get the gunk out of the bottom?

Another highlight is the fact they are cooking stuff “over coal”. Great flavor from the char on those pork patties, totally makes them. I am going to get those again, and it will be even better now that I have worked out you are supposed to eat them in the lettuce cups.

Those Goyza look a lot better than they taste. They look amazing though, right?

I suppose the cheesy aspects of the decor are fine, although if the place was run by white dudes it would be pretty offensive. The fit out is otherwise pretty dull. Please! Can we could please stop it now with the cliche torn-away plaster to exposed bricks?

I am very keen to bring a big group of friends here, but when I do I will refer to it as “a new place in leederville”. Low Key Chow House is a dumb name.

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The Old Faithful

Right now BBQ is trending. BBQ is cool. 

But here’s the thing, Americans in deep south have been cooking this way for a long while, and they have had time to get good at it.

Doesn’t seem like these Old Faithful hipsters have that old knowledge, and this BBQ ain’t so faithful.

According to those who know, a good brisket needs to be sticky, tender, moist and sliced at around a 1/4 inch. Our brisket was served to us pulled to shreds, cold, tough and dry. So… yeah, they overcooked it to pieces.

If i can’t hold up on a 1/4 inch slide, it ain’t right. 

Such a shame! Eating here just isn’t what it could have been. A lot of it is down to the way this place is set up. It’s still new so it’s Perth-hype-busy, you will be waiting a long while before you can sit down… even at a shared table. And even after that long wait, you still don’t get table service. You have to line up and wait again, order your selection of smoked meats at the counter, then wait again for your food on a tray like a cafeteria.

It’s actually a lot like eating at Ikea.

But this place is still undeniably cool! It’s fantastic just as a bar, and if what you want is to have some drinks and eat a little as you do, brilliant. Probably the coolest interior design on any new Perth place.

They have a $14 shake. Do they put Bourbon in that shake? They sure do. And god damn that is a pretty fucking good milkshake.

All the waiting in was a lot easier with the second best Negroni i have had.

Get the burnt end beans. Good beans!

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Gurkhas Nepalese Restaurant

One of the absolute ugliest restaurants in Perth. Well, from the outside anyway.

But the horrible building and tacky sign only add to the feeling of stumbling on a local gem.

I was super excited to discover momos on the menu here, after not seeing any since travelling in northern India. I was also kinda disappointed. Maybe momos are only meant to be eaten with a certain thank-fuck-it’s-not-curry gratitude.

Don’t let that dissuade you. Get the goat! Always goat. Goat is great.

So is just about anything cooked in the tandoor, they must have a proper one back there. Nice naan.

Bring your own wine because their list is pretty poor.

Best serving dishes!

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Ace Negroni

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Meatballs and Wine Co (Melbourne)

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90 Secondi (Melbourne)

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My Porchetta

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Cantina 663

Overall, probably my favourite restaurant in Perth. Proper food, as tasty as it gets before things get properly pretentious.

So many restaurants in Perth now are about sharing food. Cynically, I think this is mostly about trying to save money on staff. It’s just too hard to pay enough good people to bring everybody their individual dish all at the same time. You’ll eat what we got, when we feel like making it!

But Cantina genuinely does the sharing thing so well, it feels like this is just the most natural way to eat out. The ultimate experience is a big group of friends and the chef’s family style selection. It’s long and generous to the point of absurdity, so don’t fill up on the excellent duck liver parfait. 

Try and get a seat in the proper restaurant, because sitting at a table out in the arcade is a little lame.

Gnocchi here is ridiculous.

Best bloody mary in town.