Past-emotionally abused culture is someone treating you nicely or smiling at you and you immediately have to barricade your emotions so you don’t get too attached to them or confuse it with romantic love.
It’s people genuinely showing romantic interest in you but you don’t notice or find any truth in it because genuine, pure liking of a person isn’t something that exists in your world because someone gave love a bad name.
It’s flirting with people confidently but not getting attached. Liking it when you don’t want them but they want you because it helps you regain power over feelings, for you to have some control. And then feeling incredibly guilty because power lust is what drove the person who hurt you, and goddammit they were right, telling you it was all your fault, you’re just as bad. It’s your fault.
It’s wanting touch but shriveling up at any gesture of it because your past relationships withheld any affection with you unless they were grooming you or trying to make you forget the things they did.
It’s struggling to put a label on any relationship you have because you forget what friends act like, talk like, feel like. What separates platonic from romantic? Typical arguments from abuse?
It’s knowing it’s easier and safer not to get too close to anyone but knowing that only makes you feel more starved for connection.
It’s jumping too fast into ‘best friendship’ because how long do these things take? Who decides?
It’s your skin burning and crawling because of touch starvation but not adequately having the skills nor resources to get what you need: connection. It’s straddling the line between self-preservation and withholding connection in fear or internalized anger or distrust in yourself.
It’s flinching at sudden movements and loud, angry voices because you know that could have been you, black-eyed and beaten. It’s being undermined because no physical scars could prove the hurt.
And of course, trying to get past the complete humiliation of being used and manipulated and strung along to finally tell someone, they question it. They don’t get it. They tell you it’s not abuse. Friends you thought had your back support your abuser and once again, friendship is not so simple and honest. You never get rid of that; knowing someone you trusted won’t trust you in your darkest moment, your most vulnerable moment.
It’s trying to talk things out but you have trouble justifying to yourself what the person did because you can’t remember. You can’t fucking remember a thing because it was so traumatic. Maybe they weren’t bad. Maybe it’s your fault.
You don’t get to choose what to forget. I can’t ever forget the way he said to me that he enjoyed hurting me, how it made him proud, but I forgot the face of my grandmother and the sound of her laugh because my brain checked out for a solid year.
It’s being too passive but being too aggressive. Wanting someone else to make decisions because you can’t for yourself and not letting anyone do anything for you because then they can use it to guilt you. Not being able to be angry and then being angry as goddamn hell because how could this happen to you.
It’s so much more than miscommunication and heartache. It leaves long-lasting PTSD like effects like physical abuse does. We need to make people aware of this.
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
izzy806
titsay
baratheonpilled
kianamaiart
