I Didn't Say You Could Sit There...
I randomly went out with my girls on Monday to a new place called Drinks and the White Horse, I adore them all, except Monday, Monday can kiss my black ass.
The night starts off great, meet my friend at the Horse and ride over to Drinks. After we have our drinks we head to a table a cute boy follows us and then politely asks the whole table if he can sit with us, making a point to check with the two of us heâs going to sit by, a friend and me. My friend says, join us and Iâm like wholly crap youâre a gentleman, please join us.
We had a good conversation with the kid, picked on him about texting while someone is talking to you and then gave him some dating advice. After about two drinks and a shot, which I missed out on we headed back to the Horse.
It was not crowded when we came in so we get our drinks, listen to a song and head for the bench table on the gravelly back porch. When suddenly my Bomb Tacos friend taps me on the shoulder to alert us to the fact that two guys have hot dog wieners sticking out of their flys, zippers, xyz dudes. The gag was funny for five minutes, and I mean literally five minutes and we returned to our girl conversation. However, the legal juvenile delinquents would not quit. They move closer to the table and stand right in my earshot, in my good ear and close enough to feel their body heat. I think I might vomit.
At first I try to ask them politely to please go away, they donât, in fact they stand closer to me and one of the little weasels brings two more wieners with mustard on the top and sticks them a foot away from my face and says, âitâs okay theyâre fresh.â The mustard didnât look like mustard it looked like jizz. I wanted to throw up on his shoes and at this time it got real, wish I had.
One of our friends actually knew one little losers through the music scene, theyâre talented blah, blah donât care theyâre being dicks. At no time did these annoying assholes and the one she was directly talking to attempt to introduce themselves to the table or me or apologize for their lame prank. The child with a tie-dye T-shirt one was still holding his jizz covered wieners next to my head, I say to him, âplease go away, youâre grossing me out, the jokeâs over and youâre pissing off my friends.â
He tried to plead âno, no we took them out of our pants, see (giggle), these are fresh,â knowing full well the hotdogs now look like cum covered cocks.
I say, âdude please go away youâre gonna make the throw up.â
He replies, âbut itâs just mustard.â
I say, âI donât care what the fuck it is, youâve grossed us out, the joke is over, I donât know you, now go away before we have you thrown out.â
I think his friend told him to step off, but according to a friend at my table the little weasel was trying to taunt me by holding those mustard covered wieners in hand and looking straight at me. I was ignoring him and doing quite well until the one friend who may or may not have told his friends to shove off just dropped his ass down, hard, right next to me.
Oh no he didnât just sit in my bubble!!! And without permission from me!
I got hot and craned my neck in his direction, I suppose he could feel the daggers because he asks, âis this okay? Can I sit here?â
I say in a slightly snarky possibly full bitch with a smile voice, âactually, itâs not okay, because you didnât ask me if you could sit next to me.â
My friend said, âoh I said he could sit.â
I love her itâs fine, Iâll make it fine because I love her, but I really wanted to say, heâs not sitting by you, heâs sitting across from you and he didnât ask me beforehand like a nice person would.
He apologies, and I tell him itâs fine but my friend knowing I might accidentally hit him over the head with my beer changes seats with him. A wise decision on her part cause I needed a minute.
Things are fine and fun for a while, one friend leaves because sheâs got a presentation and the other had to work. And then there were three, but then two more friends show up and itâs okay. Around this time, midnight, people start eyeballing your table.
I get up to hit the loo and grab a beer and when I return this hipster dork has placed his food order number on the table, where I was sitting, almost in my seat area. After I moved it to the corner of the table, which I shouldâve just knocked it off accidentally on purpose, hipsters asked if he could leave his number there. Oh he doesnât ask me, he asks my hot blonde friend and my brunette friend. They said itâs fine, because itâs such a heavy thing to carry for a man a 3 ounce metal rod with a plastic number. But I knew what he was doing, he was planning to sit his ass down right next to me without permission to eat his fucking food, which was probably going to be a hotdog and a messy one at that.
I was fucking right, of course thereâs no actual proof because none of this crossed my lips, but I knew it!
So two for two, I give him the bitch face as well and heâs like, âthey said I could sit.â
This time I said it, âyeah but youâre not sitting next to them with a messy ass hotdog are you, youâre across from them. You shouldâve asked me to sit.â
A friend adds, âweâve had a night of hotdogs and you knowâŚâ implying he should move along. Thank the stars he does, because Murphyâs law hits me like a mutha, anything that will happen to me does and I was loud about it so the little rude food eater could hear me.
I said, âIâm sorry but if someone is eating messy food itâs going to land on me, or if I leave my seat for a second someone will take it and Iâll never get it back. Murphyâs law loves me.â Do you know Iâve actually been spit on at the White Horse before?! Spit on!!!
I donât know what the hell was going on last night, I donât know if the guys secretly wanted to sit next to me and didnât know how to ask or if it was a black thing, like youâre a black chick I can sit down without asking you cause Iâm a white guy and itâs my right or I donât give a fuck what you want black girl, cause youâre black. I checked with your friends even though Iâm actually going to be right next to you they said I could, hope you donât mind. What you say has no relevance in anything thing, I asked your hot friends if I could sit, what you think doesnât matter.
Well I do mind, color or not and you should mind too, I love my friends but nobody speaks for me unless I tell them too. Not you, not my best friends not even my mother speaks for me. I speak for me and if you want to be near me, you better ask first. I do, itâs the polite thing to do. People have boundaries, I do and thankfully I have a filter with a high shit-o-meter because otherwise, someone might have gotten drenched.
Finally, I do have to say, it was so refreshing to tell to truth, speak what first popped in my head and pulling back the filter. I shocked the shit out of a friend, sheâs never seen that side of me but when it comes to personal space and manners I go a little bitch monster.
And Iâm perfectly okay with that.
Next up: Rude ass muthafucking people bumping into me!!! Like a gazelle or ballet dancer I never run into anybody, ever, I donât even care if Iâm fucking fall down drunk I still have grace and poise.