Ally Means

is a writer, a musician and incredibly hard to Google, go ahead, give it a go.

[allymeans]

Little steps when you’re a #writer. But then you get that #copyright, and now you know what you made it truly yours, all yours. This #taleofmischief is moving forward. You should get on the ride, it might be quite adventurous! https://www.instagram.com/p/BrvSM5slez9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1d9l6s6fk9r9c

[allymeans]

Traffic sucks! Get to @dozenstreetatx and check out some @jennyparrottatx instead, because she’s back! #jennyparrott #dozenstreet #east12th https://www.instagram.com/p/BqyLROglxU-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=sfkhiwuj2rb2

[allymeans]

It’s all about the little things you tell yourself when you write. And it turns out, I think I did clean it up #aTaleIfMischief https://www.instagram.com/p/BqnBoJXFRe1/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=171hwzv5unaxl

[allymeans]

Hi, I am Monday, the most hated day of the week. Le sigh...

For some odd reason I am the most hated day of the week. It’s not my fault you all have to go to work on me; you could change your schedule, you know. I know I’ll never be as cool as Friday or Saturday, or even Wednesday. 

Friday is date night and the day many people get their paychecks, how can you beat getting money!? Saturday used to be a lot cooler in the 80’s and 90’s it had morning cartoons and that guy on PBS with the paint; I was never around to watch his show, I think his name was Bob. Even still Saturday is like our little bratty sister that gets everything she wants, fun at the lake, movies, weekend getaways, we all kind of hate Saturday. 

Wednesday is the middle child and from what I’ve heard most middle children are totally neglected and made fun of, but not Wednesday. Wednesday has a character named after it and it even has a cool nick name “Hump Day.” I mean how can I compete with that, “HUmp Day?” Some people are actually making a point to go out and get laid on Wednesday, and the drink specials, the week is not over yet and you all still have to work on Thursday! I’ll be lucky in some cities if on me there’s even a drink special till 7pm and even then nobody wants to hang out with me, they’re all tired from leaving work.

Fine, fine kick Monday when I’m down. 

Sunday is so pretentious with its religious worshipers. You know Sunday, you arrogant prick, you got it wrong it is Saturday that is supposed to be the day of rest. If some asshole hadn’t messed that up back in whatever century everyone would hate Sunday instead of me.

I did some research on the Internet to see if more crime happened on me, first of all my finding were inconclusive, but I suspect that more crime happens on Friday, the day you all love so much; that’s probably just because there are more of you out and about on Friday and I’m just jealous, everyone loves Friday. TGIF, who can compete, again I say “who???”

You say, “but Monday, what about Tuesday and Thursday do you have issues with them?”  Well, not really except that Tuesday is a spoiled brat and rubs TuesGays in my face, I love gay people too! So what it’s the day when the LGBTQ community loves to party and get drink specials galore and don’t forget the tits and ass on the cheap there is always someone calling it TaTa Tuesday meaning dancing girls, discount drinks and free entry to the titty bars.  Plus, I’ve heard tales that there are some places that have big ass beer on Tuesday.

What about me? I wouldn’t mind a little T&A, LGBTQ love and some drink specials. If you give me a chance you’ll find I’m actually the most open minded day of the week.

As far as Thursday, we’re kind of in the same, yet reversed, boat.  Everyone hates me because I’m the first day of the week and everyone hates Thursday because it takes so long and everyone is always like, “is it Friday yet?” Thursday and I both feel pretty neglected as days of the week. We often write letters to each other because we’re so far apart. Thursday told me once it had to hold Wednesday’s hair back as it vomited in the street, it was like 11:59pm and Wednesday couldn’t hold it together for 60 seconds. Pathetic right, I would never be such a lush. 

All I want is to be loved. I apologize for the morning assholes that are all chipper in your face and that everyone is such a dick. If I had my way, those of you that are not morning or Monday people I would let you all sleep in till noon and then go to work, or not at all. I would make sure that my happy hour went until 10pm and that there were free cabs to take you all home. I would give you all rainbow-kitten-unicorns to hug and rain to help you sleep at night. Would that I could, but I’m just a day of the week and you all hate me. I get it, but maybe next we could all be a little nicer to each other, maybe then I won’t suck as much.

Love Monday,

written by Ally Means on behalf of Monday.

[allymeans]

The Turtle

(R, language, some sexual violence)

 A while back I was watching the news, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX (I was at the gym soo many screens), they were all talking about Mitch McConnell, aka the Turtle. I am not going to talk about his political action plan, which was he is moving to confirm a probable rapist to the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh. The thing I noticed is that the tortoise IS winning the race, just like the fable said, and as it turns out is not a fable. 

I’d wager that when McConnell was a child he used to get teased all the time about looking like a turtle. He most likely took Aesop’s fable that slow and steady wins the race to heart. However else he may have been shaped in his life to love money, and hate people so much set him on his path to become the horrible human being and American he is today. I cannot imagine that all the donors he has can control him so much that he would let this nation be destroyed. 

But I’m not writing about that, I’m writing to tell you that they are winning. 

The Tortoise is Winning.

Slow and steadily the nation has been lied to and disillusioned from the process of voting. I was talking with a friend in their 40’s, and they work with a ton of millennials. You know, the so-called saviors of this nation, because they are the biggest voting block next to Baby Boomers. My friend and I are Generation X, the long forgotten, stoner, sex crazed kids. You remember us now? 

My friend tells me the people they work with are in their 20’s and some are younger and they could give two shits about politics. My friend asked me, what could have caused this, why are they like this, I don’t understand them they said. 

At first thought, due to the alcohol present, neither did I. My initial response to their questions was education. They have not been taught how to care about anything, other than keeping their heads down and play along with life. Then my friend tells me, they said they were a generation awarded for losing, they were the kids that got all the trophies for participation. 

In the late 90s, early 2000s children were given awards so that their feelings would not get hurt for not getting the big trophy. 

I don’t know about you, but when I was a kid the only person on Field Day who got a trophy was 1st place, everyone else got a ribbon, even second place. The trophy was no more than 6 inches in size, and the ribbon for second place was blue, and third was red, everyone else got a white participation ribbon, if that. Those ribbons were about 2 inches wide, and 4 inches long. That was enough for us when we were in elementary school. 

If memory serves some parent complained that their child felt excluded, because their child is a loser, and that parent did not know how to tell their kid to sack up, try harder, or be better at something other than athletics. So instead, they cried to the school board, probably in Texas, where I’ve lived my whole life. 

Why Texas you ask, how did I come to that conclusion you ask? Because it seems we control everything educational for the nation. Have you seen our history books? You probably have in Alabama, Tennessee, Kansas, Arkansas, who knows how many states buy our textbooks. A friendly reminder, Slaves were not employees no matter how much our textbook authors try to get Merriam-Webster to change the definition. 

Basically, we have these young adults running around thinking they are special for no reason, and we know educational standards have changed because there are hardly any civics classes, there is teaching to pass all these dang tests that Bush the Second implemented on a federal level, tests that Obama could not rid our nation of, that these students just study to pass. So why should they care about politics, they  have not been taught to. This is where we bring it back to the tortoise, McConnell.

For decades, the republicans have been installing themselves on the local level, on state legislatures, on benches, and on school boards. They knew that this country would evolve to become more progressive (side note, so did a 12 year old me, but republicans fucked that up). They knew that they would need to do something to depress voter turnout, either by cheating legally, or some other means. When I say “cheating legally,” it means they elect themselves to the highest offices in the land, while everyone else could care less, then gerrymander districts every decade, or they re-write the laws using words like, tort reform, which once was a good thing, from my understanding, but with all things that originally had a good purpose Republicans, the party that houses the KKK, turns it on its ear and fucked it with a barbed wire condom.

And that folks is the Turtle Winning.

[allymeans]

Black is Beautiful?

(PG13, language)

Here’s the thing about being a writer it’s the research. First let me preface, sadly as a black woman I don’t know how to describe my black beauty, or the beauty of my characters as well as I do a white person. It’s just not in our lexicon of knowledge to think of black is beautiful, which is why there are so many people saying we are beautiful, because we have been told in literature, and in our lives that we are ugly for centuries. It’s not likely to fade anytime soon either, since racism has gotten a fifth wind.

In my research to find words that describe black skin, I first came across the usual boring words like tawny, which is more a yellowish color, the standard ebony, and of course the N-word, because that’s a skin color for black folks. Thanks Urban Dictionary, I guess they thought, if we didn’t do it someone else would. Merriam-Webster didn’t, just saying.

Anyway, I’m mostly writing this because I’m procrastinating and I have no ideas for my stories at the moment, but this, searching for better terms to describe folks like me, was very eye opening and reminded me again how far we have not come since the Civil War ended. I mean shit, black people still can’t vote half the time, cause the klan inside the government is “legally” stealing our votes. When I say legally I mean they have slowly and steadily fucked all our states and made it practically impossible for anyone but their red votes count.  

I know right, all of that out of how to better describe black skin tone. It’s all connected, if you choose to look. Now let me try and get back to these stories.  

[allymeans]

Did you know there’s a contest to write a whole book in November, okay well 50,000 words? Since I’ve already finished my tale of mischief maybe I can make this challenge work. https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpzr83-lRM8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1n3j3drbc7k58

[allymeans]

Random Tip This Day

Folks it’s that time of year and if you live in Texas, especially after the monsoon we’ve had, the little vampires we call mosquitoes are drinking our blood and passing diseases. So today I will share my tip when I walk my little guy Charlie.

You’ll need: An oversized button up shirt Bug repellent spray (I prefer Off Skintastic cause it smells nice)

My oversized white button down blouse was a gift from my mom and an XL, I’m a medium. Her thinking was that I could use the shirt as a beach or pool coverup and I do, this is a multi-use garment. What I did next was I took my blouse and sprayed it with Off Skintastic, not enough to soak it though but it was damp in some parts, this dried later.

I’ll admit I thought this wouldn’t work but guess what I walked the doggie and not a single mosquito bite. I used the shirt again as a summer kind of jacket and the next day no mosquito bites. Three months later the hottest month of the year August and still not a single bug bite. I wore it at Blues on the Green and not a single bug bite, while I watched others welts growing by the second. I may not have washed the blouse regularly last year, no washer and dryer in the house, but if you’re a clean freak then wash and reapply the bug spray and all is golden on a mosquito filled day with no bites.

Good luck y'all, don’t get eaten! Ally ❤️’s you.

****warning, test your clothes because they could be ruined with the spray. My top is a white cotton fabric. I didn’t test I sprayed the top without regard and wore it proudly.

I'm sure there are natural alternative for mosquitoes repellent, but I'm no expert. Here's an article from Raw Story posted today about mosquitoes, it's interesting, long and helpful. http://www.rawstory.com/2015/06/why-mosquitoes-bite-some-people-and-not-others-and-the-surprising-non-toxic-way-to-avoid-bites/

[allymeans]

Don't Lose Forward

So the other day I wrote something about Gallup Poll stating that we as a nation are moving to the left. I also mused if they ask those polled if they vote, which I’m sure they don’t just look at the results from 2014. Anyways, in my musings I said “the younger generation tends to be more forward thinking.”

And then I thought when do you lose that forward thinking and become a crazy uncle Bill or Rush? I know it’s life that makes this happen. However, my life strengthened my liberal progressive resolve.

Now let me tell you how.

I happen to be a Black American Woman. By far voted the least cared about, least liked, least likely to get a job, more likely to be a single mother (I’m not yet, but I’m kind of planning on being one), least likely to win an Oscar, least, less a lot of things. Thankfully, I have a white girl sounding name. You should see the shock in the interviewer’s faces when I go to job interviews, they kind of look like I’ve played a cruel trick on them and then I have to write them a thank you email. I don’t think so. So all these negatives and negative things that have happened to me in my life and have shaped me to being a liberal and very progressive. I noticed when I was 12, the year 1992, the Republican Party really hated black people, up until that point I was a brainwashed little republican thanks to my educators. I started listening to what these republican politicians were saying and man did they really hate black folks in the 80’s, the 90’s, the 2000’s, the 60’s, the 70’s okay the only republican who didn’t hate black folks was Lincoln.

Anyways, I can understand how people lose their progressiveness over time, by struggling with money, work, school and hardening them, they are too tired to see a better way through, they’ve got a screaming baby and a deadline, they don’t have time to help with your problem. Use your own damn bootstraps and I don’t care if they’re sawed off, you’re not getting my tax dollars to feed those babies you decided or were forced to have. Keep your knees closed you slut. Sorry, I channeled a nasty Rush Limbaugh, apologies. But that’s the devolution to republican, conservative and regressive policies and politicians and that’s how you get there stress.

You’re stressed, feeling like you’ve been cheated, like someone else is getting yours, but if we would vote ourselves a better government we would all get ours when we needed it. I mean did you know there’s a country that gives it’s citizens money for being alive and living in their country, a basic standard of living and they can work or not work, like $2500/month for living, no questions asked. I wish for a government like that but I will settle, for now, for my country I’ve paid taxes to for decades not turning it’s back on me when I need help, just like I hope the people out there who need help right now are getting the assistance they need, my tax dollars paid for that. My tax dollars also pay for insane subsidies for corporations that keep inflating prices and I’d rather that money go to homeless teenagers. It’s $4000 dollars, you could house and feed a person on that for at least three months.

So basically what I’m trying to say is as you get older, maybe you get a business degree like I did, and you notice that corporations are the actual devil and they control everything through lobbying and buying our politicians. Don’t get flustered and give up and not vote, or just let life sweep you away and turn you into an angry old BillO.

Get involved, strengthen your resolve to be a better society not a stagnant one by Facebooking or emailing your representatives and congress people. Their staffers do read these things and they will call you back if you leave a phone number. Get involved by voting, protesting, by convincing a friend that they are on the backward side of history. Remember that pie eyed kid you used to be, remember the dream you had and figure out how to give that kid what they wanted. Paying attention to the world and media around you and voting are the easiest steps you can take to make that kid a happy adult.

*Note I did not say democratic, these democratic leaders I will support and vote for but they are pussies. They cave the second it gets hard to calm the crazed right and give us half of what we need and want.

[allymeans]

Shhh... don't tell them we're swinging Left.

Apparently a new Gallup poll says “Americans are leaning left.” Now I always say don’t tell people that because what’s going to happen is Texas is going to clench it’s butthole and freak out, much like many other red states are going to do as well. However, I see why the results are leaning so liberal, they’ve finally got the cellphones users involved in these polls. And everybody knows cellphone users are a younger generation and tend to be more forward thinking.

I wonder if they also asked those people if they vote.

Actually that’s a good question for these Gallup, and Pew people to ask every time they ask these great questions, “do you vote? Do you vote in non-presidential elections as well?” Because we all know if you don’t vote your liberal ideas can shut the hell up because conservatives vote.

They vote often and all the time so that your liberal ideas have no where to grow. We all know why, because they are scared, they think once gay marriage is totally legal it will make them gay or give that closeted spouse the strength to leave their horrible marriage. They think if women are allowed to have babies without men then they’ll never have a wife and family to control to make them feel big. They think once people in poverty have a baseline of living maybe provided to them by the government it’s going to make their “hard work” seem worthless, if everyone has that same base line of an additional $4000 a year returned to us from corporate subsidies then is that not fair to all of us as well; and we aren’t even counting the subsidies we pay Walmart and McDonald’s employees who sign up for government assistance, we’re paying their paychecks! Cause Walmart and McD’s don’t.

I mean we’re already giving money away hand over fist to entities that don’t need it. How about we give the money back to ourselves instead? I don’t understand the conservative mind on this, they cry socialism and I’m like but we are giving socialism to corporations and that’s okay with you?! They aren’t lowering their prices and keeping cost down; have you not noticed inflation. That’s was something I noticed when I was young, old people would say “costs always rise, inflation you know.” So I was like, okay so why are we giving money to the people who keep making costs rise? Simplistic yes, but I was ten.

Anyway, so the country is moving liberal…WOOHOOOO!!!!

But it doesn’t matter if you don’t vote. It won’t matter if you don’t pay attention to local politics and vote for the progressive candidates. It won’t matter if you don’t vote in off elections. Like the one most of you missed last November 2014 in Texas. We could’ve been done with this pathetic backward republican regime but nope the liberals in Texas stayed home.

What was your excuse for not voting for Wendy and Leticia? I did.

Anyway, you gotta vote people, otherwise we’re gonna be an angry liberal nation with no voice. And let me tell you being an angry liberal is exhausting.

Reference: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7453526?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000013

[allymeans]

I Didn't Say You Could Sit There...

I randomly went out with my girls on Monday to a new place called Drinks and the White Horse, I adore them all, except Monday, Monday can kiss my black ass.

The night starts off great, meet my friend at the Horse and ride over to Drinks. After we have our drinks we head to a table a cute boy follows us and then politely asks the whole table if he can sit with us, making a point to check with the two of us he’s going to sit by, a friend and me. My friend says, join us and I’m like wholly crap you’re a gentleman, please join us.

We had a good conversation with the kid, picked on him about texting while someone is talking to you and then gave him some dating advice. After about two drinks and a shot, which I missed out on we headed back to the Horse.

It was not crowded when we came in so we get our drinks, listen to a song and head for the bench table on the gravelly back porch. When suddenly my Bomb Tacos friend taps me on the shoulder to alert us to the fact that two guys have hot dog wieners sticking out of their flys, zippers, xyz dudes. The gag was funny for five minutes, and I mean literally five minutes and we returned to our girl conversation. However, the legal juvenile delinquents would not quit. They move closer to the table and stand right in my earshot, in my good ear and close enough to feel their body heat. I think I might vomit.

At first I try to ask them politely to please go away, they don’t, in fact they stand closer to me and one of the little weasels brings two more wieners with mustard on the top and sticks them a foot away from my face and says, “it’s okay they’re fresh.” The mustard didn’t look like mustard it looked like jizz. I wanted to throw up on his shoes and at this time it got real, wish I had.

One of our friends actually knew one little losers through the music scene, they’re talented blah, blah don’t care they’re being dicks. At no time did these annoying assholes and the one she was directly talking to attempt to introduce themselves to the table or me or apologize for their lame prank. The child with a tie-dye T-shirt one was still holding his jizz covered wieners next to my head, I say to him, “please go away, you’re grossing me out, the joke’s over and you’re pissing off my friends.”

He tried to plead “no, no we took them out of our pants, see (giggle), these are fresh,” knowing full well the hotdogs now look like cum covered cocks.

I say, “dude please go away you’re gonna make the throw up.”

He replies, “but it’s just mustard.”

I say, “I don’t care what the fuck it is, you’ve grossed us out, the joke is over, I don’t know you, now go away before we have you thrown out.”

I think his friend told him to step off, but according to a friend at my table the little weasel was trying to taunt me by holding those mustard covered wieners in hand and looking straight at me. I was ignoring him and doing quite well until the one friend who may or may not have told his friends to shove off just dropped his ass down, hard, right next to me.

Oh no he didn’t just sit in my bubble!!! And without permission from me!

I got hot and craned my neck in his direction, I suppose he could feel the daggers because he asks, “is this okay? Can I sit here?”

I say in a slightly snarky possibly full bitch with a smile voice, “actually, it’s not okay, because you didn’t ask me if you could sit next to me.”

My friend said, “oh I said he could sit.” I love her it’s fine, I’ll make it fine because I love her, but I really wanted to say, he’s not sitting by you, he’s sitting across from you and he didn’t ask me beforehand like a nice person would.

He apologies, and I tell him it’s fine but my friend knowing I might accidentally hit him over the head with my beer changes seats with him. A wise decision on her part cause I needed a minute.

Things are fine and fun for a while, one friend leaves because she’s got a presentation and the other had to work. And then there were three, but then two more friends show up and it’s okay. Around this time, midnight, people start eyeballing your table.

I get up to hit the loo and grab a beer and when I return this hipster dork has placed his food order number on the table, where I was sitting, almost in my seat area. After I moved it to the corner of the table, which I should’ve just knocked it off accidentally on purpose, hipsters asked if he could leave his number there. Oh he doesn’t ask me, he asks my hot blonde friend and my brunette friend. They said it’s fine, because it’s such a heavy thing to carry for a man a 3 ounce metal rod with a plastic number. But I knew what he was doing, he was planning to sit his ass down right next to me without permission to eat his fucking food, which was probably going to be a hotdog and a messy one at that.

I was fucking right, of course there’s no actual proof because none of this crossed my lips, but I knew it!

So two for two, I give him the bitch face as well and he’s like, “they said I could sit.”

This time I said it, “yeah but you’re not sitting next to them with a messy ass hotdog are you, you’re across from them. You should’ve asked me to sit.”

A friend adds, “we’ve had a night of hotdogs and you know…” implying he should move along. Thank the stars he does, because Murphy’s law hits me like a mutha, anything that will happen to me does and I was loud about it so the little rude food eater could hear me.

I said, “I’m sorry but if someone is eating messy food it’s going to land on me, or if I leave my seat for a second someone will take it and I’ll never get it back. Murphy’s law loves me.” Do you know I’ve actually been spit on at the White Horse before?! Spit on!!!

I don’t know what the hell was going on last night, I don’t know if the guys secretly wanted to sit next to me and didn’t know how to ask or if it was a black thing, like you’re a black chick I can sit down without asking you cause I’m a white guy and it’s my right or I don’t give a fuck what you want black girl, cause you’re black. I checked with your friends even though I’m actually going to be right next to you they said I could, hope you don’t mind. What you say has no relevance in anything thing, I asked your hot friends if I could sit, what you think doesn’t matter. Well I do mind, color or not and you should mind too, I love my friends but nobody speaks for me unless I tell them too. Not you, not my best friends not even my mother speaks for me. I speak for me and if you want to be near me, you better ask first. I do, it’s the polite thing to do. People have boundaries, I do and thankfully I have a filter with a high shit-o-meter because otherwise, someone might have gotten drenched.

Finally, I do have to say, it was so refreshing to tell to truth, speak what first popped in my head and pulling back the filter. I shocked the shit out of a friend, she’s never seen that side of me but when it comes to personal space and manners I go a little bitch monster. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

❤️Ally

Next up: Rude ass muthafucking people bumping into me!!! Like a gazelle or ballet dancer I never run into anybody, ever, I don’t even care if I’m fucking fall down drunk I still have grace and poise.

[allymeans]

Hi, I am Monday, the most hated day of the week. Le sigh...

For some odd reason I am the most hated day of the week. It’s not my fault you all have to go to work on me; you could change your schedule, you know. I know I’ll never be as cool as Friday or Saturday, or even Wednesday. 

Friday is date night and the day many people get their paychecks, how can you beat getting money!? Saturday used to be a lot cooler in the 80’s and 90’s it had morning cartoons and that guy on PBS with the paint; I was never around to watch his show, I think his name was Bob. Even still Saturday is like our little bratty sister that gets everything she wants, fun at the lake, movies, weekend getaways, we all kind of hate Saturday. 

Wednesday is the middle child and from what I’ve heard most middle children are totally neglected and made fun of, but not Wednesday. Wednesday has a character named after it and it even has a cool nick name “Hump Day.” I mean how can I compete with that, “HUmp Day?” Some people are actually making a point to go out and get laid on Wednesday, and the drink specials, the week is not over yet and you all still have to work on Thursday! I’ll be lucky in some cities if on me there’s even a drink special till 7pm and even then nobody wants to hang out with me, they’re all tired from leaving work.

Fine, fine kick Monday when I’m down. 

Sunday is so pretentious with its religious worshipers. You know Sunday, you arrogant prick, you got it wrong it is Saturday that is supposed to be the day of rest. If some asshole hadn’t messed that up back in whatever century everyone would hate Sunday instead of me.

I did some research on the Internet to see if more crime happened on me, first of all my finding were inconclusive, but I suspect that more crime happens on Friday, the day you all love so much; that’s probably just because there are more of you out and about on Friday and I’m just jealous, everyone loves Friday. TGIF, who can compete, again I say “who???”

You say, “but Monday, what about Tuesday and Thursday do you have issues with them?”  Well, not really except that Tuesday is a spoiled brat and rubs TuesGays in my face, I love gay people too! So what it’s the day when the LGBTQ community loves to party and get drink specials galore and don’t forget the tits and ass on the cheap there is always someone calling it TaTa Tuesday meaning dancing girls, discount drinks and free entry to the titty bars.  Plus, I’ve heard tales that there are some places that have big ass beer on Tuesday.

What about me? I wouldn’t mind a little T&A, LGBTQ love and some drink specials. If you give me a chance you’ll find I’m actually the most open minded day of the week.

As far as Thursday, we’re kind of in the same, yet reversed, boat.  Everyone hates me because I’m the first day of the week and everyone hates Thursday because it takes so long and everyone is always like, “is it Friday yet?” Thursday and I both feel pretty neglected as days of the week. We often write letters to each other because we’re so far apart. Thursday told me once it had to hold Wednesday’s hair back as it vomited in the street, it was like 11:59pm and Wednesday couldn’t hold it together for 60 seconds. Pathetic right, I would never be such a lush. 

All I want is to be loved. I apologize for the morning assholes that are all chipper in your face and that everyone is such a dick. If I had my way, those of you that are not morning or Monday people I would let you all sleep in till noon and then go to work, or not at all. I would make sure that my happy hour went until 10pm and that there were free cabs to take you all home. I would give you all rainbow-kitten-unicorns to hug and rain to help you sleep at night. Would that I could, but I’m just a day of the week and you all hate me. I get it, but maybe next we could all be a little nicer to each other, maybe then I won’t suck as much.

Love Monday,

written by Ally Means on behalf of Monday.

[allymeans]

Be Bold Man!!!

I was just informed by some colleagues, who happen to be Black American like myself, that White guys secretly love black women and vice versa , but they’re just too chicken-shit to do anything about it.  I personally love the white boys, I have since I was five years old; don’t ask me why, I have no answer.  I do have some theories on why they white guys aren’t so fly when it comes to the black ladies, as for the other way around, I don’t know, I’ve never been a white woman in love with black men so I got nothing.

First of all, I’m gonna say the cultural divide thing could be an issue.  “People will look at us,” he’ll say as his face turns red waiting for me to explode.  From a personal experience of my own, a guy I was seeing, who I didn’t know at the time but I was thoroughly in love with, “If you came to Thanksgiving dinner at my house us dating would be the topic of discussion.” 

I was a little surprised because I was like, “really, that’s what would be the problem and not my freak super-taster tongue and my disgust for your Mom’s cranberry sauce and why I don’t like turkey?”  He of course wanted to know what my family would say.  I told him mine wouldn’t be bothered, I have it on good authority that neither my mom or dad would care if I decided to be a lesbian tomorrow, in fact I’m pretty sure they already think I am, I’ve been single for so long they must be wondering.  Plus, I’m rather private about the dating details with my rentals.  So bottom line, my parents are forward thinking and don’t care if I marry a white dude or any other person for that matter.  But really, at our age 30’s and older should we give a shit what our parents think?

Anyway, back to the topic at hand…another reason I think white boys are terrified to ask me out is, they are worried I have a giant black boy friend waiting in the wings to jump out at them and kick their ass!!!  I’m just guessing.  Solution, use your freaking eyes.  I’m going to say that 80% of all my friends are of some light complexion ethnicity and I hang with these people like 100% of the time.  I like white folks, they are my friends, the family I made for myself so clearly no giant douche of a black boyfriend is going to jump out at you and kick your ass, so be bold, to borrow a phrase, “come talk to a sister.”  You never know, maybe you’ll make a new friend or find a life mate.

The last reason and this could be my personal problem is I look a little pissed off at times, that’s just my face.  I promise, I’m actually quite a nice person and easy to talk to once you peel a layer back.  That layer can be easily peeled with a shot of Jäger and a Lonestar. Just have a little class when dealing with the opposite sex in general or in any dating situation.  Ask a person to dance, tell them something you admired about their outfit or “wow your hair is so cool.  Can I touch it?” The answer to that will be no, never touch a black woman’s hair, ha-ha.  Anyway, sometimes that’s just a person’s face and maybe they seem a bit standoffish, but you never know be bold man ask!

*Let me clarify, I don’t dislike black guys or black folks I’m just into too different things that a lot of non-black folks like as well, for example, I love Nine Inch Nails, Depeche Mode, Richard Marx and Johann Sebastian Bach and the ballet.  There are like three hot black guys that like this shit too and they are all taken…so there you go.  But hey, if you’re cool, I’ll be your friend; if you smell good and look pretty I’ll go out with you too, I have been itching for a good game of bones lately. 

Ally ❤️’s You.

PS: I do love me some Ray, James, Four Tops, Temptations, Marvin and Tina, but they don’t have that kind of music in Austin bars.

[allymeans]

Snake in the Venue

I’ve recently learned a music friend is being ripped off by another musician in The ATX. We’ll call my friend Jackson and we’ll call the person ripping him off Larr, short for Larry because he’s such a douchebag he dropped the “y” for effect, neither of those names are real btw.

Now my friend Jackson posted on their wall about the theft of song and this is what was said, “there’s a kid around town using my song and not giving credit for it when they’re singing it, playing my music as if it’s his.” I say that’s dirty and wrong and I want to know who this person is because my friend is actually quiet classy and has still yet to mention the name of this person.

If this had happened to me, you can be sure that I would make it a point to run this person out of town, sure it would be bitchy and I might lose fans over it, but if this person makes considerable money off my music by recordings then I deserve my cut, since of course, I have copyrighted my songs and am getting royalties and whatnots. But that’s just me, I’m not sure what Jackson is going to do with the situation.

Jackson’s friends and fans; however, may be a bit brain damaged. Jackson has several posts from people who keep saying, “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” Uh no it’s not! I say imitation is the easiest way to lose your shit. I’ve had friends get really screwed by imitation and it’s like, “oh well who knows who Jackson is I’m all about Larr, he wrote that song.” People are dumb you know, sorry to say but we all take the easiest path of resistance and try to be convinced otherwise once our minds are made up. And who even came up with that saying, oh yeah someone who ripped somebody else off.

For example, I was walking in Lakeline Mall in northwest Austin and I’m fresh off a NIN concert; my favorite band, Trent Reznor is a tiny little man with the most beautiful eyes and the musical genius of Johann Sebastian Bach, sorry, anyway I’m walking in the mall and I hear these cute little girls talking about Johnny Cash.

They say, “you know Johnny Cash wrote that song Hurt and Nine Inch Nails just covered it.”

I tapped the one on the right on the shoulder and said, “ladies, I’m sorry to butt in, but I just wanted to let you know that’s not true, NIN did write that song and Cash is covering it.”

"Shut up grandma!" The taller one on the left replied.

I’m pretty sure my chocolate colored skin showed hints of strawberry as I was very angry and about to snap a child in half, I was 26, nowhere near a grandma, but definitely a decade older than them. This is one of the few times my quick wit actually kicked in. I remembered I was wearing my NIN T-shirt and replied tapping the symbol of my beloved band, “that’s right (tap-tap) grandma, but if you two cupiedolls wanna run around telling all your friends Cash wrote that song and look like idiots then have at it. You weren’t even born when that song came out but I was in high school. Cash covered it so suck on that.” I walk in between them, passing them right at the Express, which I had intended on going in.

So I guess what I’m trying to get at is my friend Jackson should NOT let Larr slide. People are easily confused and in a town like Austin where there are so many bands, credit needs to be given when it’s due. This Larr kid needs to say who’s song they’re playing every single time and my friend needs to step up and tell the kid’s name, or at least tell me, I have a big mouth when someone getting screwed over and still I protect their identity. Basically don’t be so zen about the music if you’re trying to make this your career you’ve got to fight for it. If people cannot distinguish between who wrote what song on a national, no wait, world wide scale then how will any local artist get their due when all is settled and done.

Besides as musicians in Austin, it shouldn’t be us versus each other it should be us versus the venues. You know y’all don’t get paid and you’re the ones bringing in people and keeping them there at these vacant bars. But that’s a story for a different day.

Ally ❤️'s You.

***Wanna help, send me a private message on which Austin venues pay shit, I already know of about five, also tell me the venues that do pay. I’ll need to know, did the venue charge a cover, did you receive any of that cover, did they give you drink tickets and how many, how much did they charge you to play, and anything else you can think of? Also, I’ll need to know how many people you drew to the show? Did the venue pay you a percentage of the bar? Finally, what would y’all prefer as musicians? How do you want to survive in Austin, Texas as a working musician?

*Names have been changed. Don’t even ask me who this really happened to…cause I’ll never tell and if you know me, you know this to be true.

[allymeans]

Blackheart Monday's

A surprise gathering of people were at Blackheart this Monday, July 7, 2014 the weekday after the Nation’s birthday which is so weird for Austin. Usually everyone in town is dead because of over indulgence and debauchery from the weekend festivities. Mmmm, debauchery, ugh my hangover still hurts.

I went because I was raised by a music friend, Bryce Clifford. In the past I have threatened to not go out last minute but it really comes down to how much I like you, I know I’m horrible, horribly honest. After two weeks of BC being on the road I sure did miss my “Country Star,” a song he wrote and was featured on the CWTV’s “Hart of Dixie,” and I believe the “Mentalist.” Shh, don’t tell BC but I still haven’t seen either episode, besides the song is so much better live but only because I enjoy dancing in a bar instead of sitting on my ass, which I can't even dance right now because I slipped and fell at Blackheart in the rain where there was no “caution wet” sign on their slippery patio in mid May.  If I was an ass, I would sue.

Holy Child played also played last night and the soul coming off this band makes you think this kid is the reincarnation of James Brown, but it’s not possible because he died on Christmas in ‘06 and this kid is definitely not 8 years old.

Speaking of James Brown I can’t wait for that movie to come out. I was hoping to see it for my b-day, but it won’t be showing at my favorite Alamo Draft House the Ritz and I'm not sure I want to suffer through down south at Slaughter, because the Lakeline one can kiss my bum.

Back to work…Ally ❤️'s You

[allymeans]

Well get to work and start writing!