I didn’t know. I thought I would. I thought I’d know for certain the day of babe’s birthday. I had been in early labor for 44 hours. I hadn’t lost hope, but I had doubts of how much of this I could handle. It was unbearable at times and the thought that active labor had ceased to begin became a war with my mind and body and heart and soul. And yet time kept passing, inching along, with false alarms, delirium, more pain, anticipation, trust coming and going. Sleeping in between contractions from sheer exhaustion. I wish I could remember if there was a catalyst that triggered active labor. Maybe it was the point I just said fuck it. And stopped waiting for it to come but instead let it arrive. Holy shit. Back to back. Sometimes two in a row with no time apart. The cramping across my low belly and into my pelvis is indescribable. The back pain. The pain in my rectum. Everything clenching together slowly like a coming wave, reaching its peak and then crashing only to pick back up again. All the different positions I tired. Shower felt great for a while. I mostly stood and leaned forward holding myself up with my hands on the bed. I couldn’t level my pelvis out for some reason so I always kept one heel lifted from the Earth. I eventually moved to the ball. Still leaning forward, this time my hands were on my thighs. I would moan deep. Trying to sync sound with sensation. Breath with sensation. Time kept passing. Morgan arrived and she came into the bedroom where I had spent almost all of labor, sat down quietly on the floor behind me. Spoke softly. She must have sensed what I had been feeling for days, no contact with the Earth. Just air swirling into my fiery belly and me floating around the ethers. She kept telling me to ground down to Earth, with her hands pressing my feet into the ground. Let all my muscles be heavy down into my pelvis, down my legs and out my feet. Let my breath draw down, down, down (my mantra from earlier). She lightly pressed her hand on my back during contractions and reminded me to let my wight drop. I eventually decided it was time to sit on the toilet. As soon as I peed, a gush of water spilled out. My water broke. I was so relieved. Morgan acknowledged my intuition to go at that time. It was on the toilet that my next contraction asked me to push. I thought it might be too early for that. I was scared I’d also be doing that for endless hours. Morgan tried getting the tub set up in time, but Hannah (asst. midwife) hadn’t shown up because she was at another birth so a different one eventually came…Elle. I enjoyed her presence. She was quiet and gentle. I moved to the bed, started pushing on hands and knees which felt really intense. Morgan asked me what was more important - pushing my baby out asap or rest? I chose rest and I eventually was propped up using the peanut pillow and I was lying on my back. Holding the backs of my knees for dear life. 3 of the strongest forces of pushing I honestly didn’t know I was capable of. Lots of grunting. Morgan suggested I start holding my breath in my diaphragm and push once, sip of breath but keep holding baby there, another push, breath, and one more push, contraction over. Blood would rush back into my head, I’d feel a rush of oxygen come back to my body that made me feel like I would pass out. I’ve never been so hot. Gav was next to me everywhere I went. Lied next to me on the bed the entire time holding a rag to my head. Whispering to me words of encouragement. He’s never been so proud, amazed. How strong and beautiful I am, how capable my body is. Morgan kept telling me each push, turn your baby, turn your baby, push your baby down, down, down, out your butt out your butt out your butt. Baby is so close to meeting you. I then, hysterically, in between contractions, heard a song I didn’t like and asked Elle to turn it. Gav laughed at this and will always remember that. Music is powerful and I was obviously riding some rhythm in my own body. I remember many songs and thinking what an awesome playlist I made. Haha. I was getting closer. I couldn't tell for certain how long because I’ve never experienced this before. I don’t remember contractions being painful anymore because I was using them push. It felt like pushing allowed me to be productive in my labor. Although it felt like my rectum was going to explode. It was the weirdest sensation because I obviously know how babies are born! I felt a push start to open my vagina and noticed right away the start of the ring of fire. Morgan said for me to feel babe’s head with my hand which i did, and me being the smart ass I am said, “I’ve seen pictures before and I’m not that close!” It might’ve only been 3 more sets of pushes after that when baby arrived. The ring of fire is so real. But I thought the contractions were worse. Babe surprised me when her head popped through, sunny side up, posterior, and then her body a second later. Holy shit! she was born to the song Nectar Drop by DJ Drez. One of my all time favorites. Her umbilical chord was super short and she couldn’t reach all the way up to my chest to feed. Not until the placenta came out which took nearly 30 more minutes. Not painful at all and felt kinda nice. We waited until the chord turned white; meaning there was no more blood flowing from me to baby, and she got all the nutrients and good hormones she could possibly get. Gav wanted me to cut the chord. He said he felt like I should be the one to part ways with this incredible organ I spent the last 40 weeks growing. I lost so so much blood. Just on the verge of hemorrhaging. And just on the cusp of needing pitocin. Thank god I didn’t. I also had a a hemorrhoid on my bum. But I didn’t tear. Babe was on my belly for a while and I stroked her back. Cried. Gavin and I in pure bliss. Love. It was so special. A snap back to reality. A piercing so quick and sharp. They moved my placenta to a it’s bowl and placed it near my side so babe could get her first latch. Success! They turned her over to check if she pood and to everyone’s surprise had the biggest pile of meconium they’d ever seen! With more snake like turds still coming out! They had to take a picture for show and tell. Babe was happy. Her big conehead….weighed 6.09lbs, 15 inch head, 19 inches long. Super long eyelashes like her dad. Born at 12:20 am Monday August 26, 2019. Same day as Gia’s birthday. This special little girl. Named Riviera Rose Spencer. Already felt love like I never had before. Insane. Gav was beyond my wildest dreams. And to think he used to not want kids. This is what he is made for. I’ve never seen anything so natural and sweet and patient and loving. It is extraordinary. and the way he still looks after me…spoon feeds me. We are lucky ladies. We are in love. And over-tired. But never, ever been in so much love. What a dream.
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