rant below. need to vent. join me in my misery if you like. don’t read if you want to maintain a nice image of me and life in general.
I absolutely hate the permanently demanding nature of adult life. Like it just never stops? There is always some problem that needs fixing, a task to complete and of course, friends to meet and keep happy. And god forbid you ever make a mistake cause that will just completely fuck you over. Which people will then remind you off to no end. and yes i get why they are doing it they want me to understand why it was bad and why i need to watch out but also like?? I am just a 20 year old confused gay?? there are some things i don’t know?? things my parents maybe should have taught me but didn’t so there we fucking are?? i know that doesn’t excuse everything but especially coming from german society regarding things to do with being gay its just...like im just doing what I think is good with no fucking guidance provided what so ever? a good majority of my country just about “tolerates” my existence and while the rest are surely in support that doesn’t mean you don’t grow up fucked up in some way.
And of course the irony is that while my parents/upbringing neglected to teach me anything about safe sex, relationships or emotions they really hammered home the fucking anti drugs and mental health stuff. So every time i feel depressed or suicidal an alarm bell in my head goes off going “you better not turn into an addict because of this” or “you better not kill yourself” it doesn’t even give me arguments why not, it just goes “your parents taught you not to do that” like why have I been conditioned to feel guilty when I am already feeling terrible?? Why was I prepped with loads of anti suicide training instead of you know raised in a way that prevents me from being suicidal? Anyways Imma go eat my pizza and probably drink some shit wine. And hey if that qualifies me as an alcoholic then fuck it. Might as well have another problem to deal with and another wall to punch against till i finally drop dead.
