This is my testimony. It's going to be a long one, so I'm cutting the post after this. I just knew that I had to start saying this stuff somewhere, for Him.
I am someone who was raised in church, but ended up sinning every single day- knowingly. God was my friend, Jesus was always on my side, I was taught that in church. But I had an addiction. At first it was an infrequent thing, but as a teenager I was struggling and failing to resist it daily. Every other hour. I would beg God to forgive me, and then I would sin again.
I knew how sad that must have made God, and I was aware of how badly Christ suffered on his way to and at the cross. Still, I failed to stay obedient to him. Still, God met with me at church. He talked with me through other people. They would tell me good things, that God has great plans for my life, that he loves me and is proud of me. But I sinned, even right after church. I didn't want to, but I was addicted.
I sought deliverance. I begged for it, and cried that God would reveal my issues to someone because I was too scared to do that myself. Prophets would prophecy that I would be completely set free from the sin "now". It didn't work. It did not happen right then. "Everything is made right" but it wasn't. What I heard of was people being delivered from even the memory of their sins, but that didn't happen. Not once over the many times people told me "you are free".
I didn't doubt Him. I knew He loved me, but I was hurting. Again, and again, and again. One day, much like the others, a guest came to my church. This time I actually told them what I was struggling with. Lustful sins. They made me tell them, and then, they made me tell someone else. A family member. That's when my life finally started moving down the right path.
Having someone to confess to changed everything. I wasn't so hateful to myself since that person didn't hate me for failing. They prayed for me. God used them, gave them the words that would change my life. Finally, I was improving. Instead of everyday, multiple times sinning, it became more infrequent... But sometimes I would regress. Hard. Back to where I started but worse because I knew where to find every evil thing ever digitalized. But still, I felt like I was getting better.
I learned, even as I sank back into sin. When I felt horrible about my failure, I still knew I could learn from this. I could do better. My confession person made me stop and ask why I felt tempted. What was i looking for? What need was I trying to fulfill? What did sinning make me feel, that I kept on for it? Everything I learned brought me closer to Him.
I've done what feels like the worst of this kind of sin. I have been a sinner for over a decade. Today, I choose to receive Him. His freedom, His love, His joy. I believe I am delivered, and I know that he's my best friend. Me and God are still walking together.
We talk more now.
I know more.
He loves me as he always had, my whole life, and before I was born.
I don't deserve it, but he's a generous giver. The friend that died so I wouldn't have to die. He came to Hell so I wouldn't have to live in it. What Christ did is more than enough. He didn't deserve a single second of the suffering, but He chose it for us all.
I can have a real relationship with God. Thank you, Jesus.
