Shouts and Whispers

Here lies the secret online alter ego of a girl. The unexpressed emotions put into words, poetry and images. I'm just trying to have a good story to tell.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

They say you only fall inlove three times in this lifetime - the puppy love, the hard love and the love that lasts.

But I had only fallen for you.

You were my puppy and first love.

You were the first person to make me feel love and being loved in return. It was the love that brought butterflies in my stomach. The kilig of confessing love to one another. The constant waiting for replies and talking to each other the whole day. The excitement of every firsts we shared. And falling deeper and deper in love as you get to know the person. The type of love you see in movies where you "try to change a guy" and "maybe i'm different". The love that makes you feel that this is it. This is the one I'm spending the rest of my life with.

But it ended.

And then I fell in love with you for the second time - The hard love.

The love that I thought will conquer all. A love I thought will be worth fighting for because I fell harder for you and when I thought this is already the maximum love I'll ever have for you, i can still love you more. And that's what make this painful. We matured and I thought we were doing things better this time but I was wrong.

It was the love that I wish will be able to teach me lesson because its too painful. It's the live im still recovering from.

They say we only fall inlove three times - you were my first two.

Now, I'm on my journey to find the third love - a love that lasts.

Will it still be you?

[alteregoofthatgirl]

You know what's hurting me now?

It's not that we suddenly stopped talking and that I miss you so much.

It's not that you did not choose me and you did not fight for us.

It's not that I wasted 4 years of my life for nothing.

It's the fact that after almost 5 years, I'm finally giving up. I am letting go of the future I have envisioned where in you and I will be growing old together. I am letting go of that percent chance we might have had. No matter how small it was, there was still a chance and now i'm letting it go. I am trying to accept the fact I will no longer be yours and you will never be mine. One day, we will just cross paths and you will have somebody else that is not me and she will get to see the version of you that I will never be able to. All we have is just the memories we shared and we will no longer create new ones.

What hurts is that I know that letting you go now means we are slipping away from each other and we really are closing the doors for the fireworks and butterflies we felt when we were together.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Today I removed our love bracelet after wearing this for 4 months. I did not think i would be crying doing so.

Removing this means I'm no longer a part of you and you're no longer a part of me. That we don't have a promise to keep anymore. That I'm finally giving up on you, on us.

I know its the right decision but this is too painful. And I'm gonna feel this pain for a long time.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Meals always tastes better with you.

Belated Happy Birthday to my person. ❤️

I missed your touch and kisses.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Happy Birthday, Lover! ❤️

[alteregoofthatgirl]

I don't trust myself not to fall again. I'm not even sure I stopped.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

How are you still breaking my heart?

How come all you do is bring me pain?

How can you shatter even the tiniest beam of hope I have left?

How do you still have this grip in my heart?

How can you be fine while I'm still pretending that I am too?

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Sana dumating din ako sa point na kahit gano ako nasaktan, I'm still thankful for everything that we shared. Thankful for all the things you have taught me and all the memories only you and I know. Na you were there whenever I have stories to tell and how you tell me yours too. And how you understand me even on the days I'm being petty.

Sana dumating sa point na maging genuinely masaya ako for you. Ung walong halong pain na iba ung pinili mo. Or walang halong selos thinking abput you two. And di ko na iisipin if namimiss mo ba ako or if your are regretting na di ako ung pinili mo. Na masaya lang ako for you kase alam kong masaya ka.

Sana dumating sa point na kapag nakita kita, ngingiti ako.. ngingitian kita kase its like I met a long lost friend. Na masaya akong makita ka and makakapagkwentuhan tayo ng normal na magkaibigan. Walang awkward moment bc we are reminded of our tragic love story but look at the past like a happy story andwe get to tell each other our inside jokes and laugh about some of the stories we shared.

Sana dumating tayo sa ganong point..

[alteregoofthatgirl]

And what do you do when the one who means the most to you is the one who didn't show?

You should've been here and I would've been so happy

The Moment I Knew // Taylor Swift

I remember how bad we are with bdays. How for 2 years, we weren't able to celebrate each other's bdays and the reason is you. Always you.

How we planned on celebrating your bday the day after bc you'll celebrate your actual bday with your family so ofc, I am willing to celebrate it a day late. And I planned how I will make that day special - cooking your favorite pasta, buying a cake for us to share, decorating my room so it will look nice. I was so excited to treat you nicely, and it was my first to be that excited planning for someone else's bday. And I wanna show you how special you are to me that it took me days to finalize my plans bc I have never done it for anyone else. But at the last minute you ditched me bc you'll again celebrate with your family, or so you say. And I was crushed that we have to settle with a 5-minute car date and that the only thing I could give you was a small cake compared to the things I have originally planned.

How I requested to spend a day with you to celebrate my special day but you can't even give me that. That only half a day is all you can give and you have no idea how much I wanted to spend a whole day with you but I would've settled for that 4 hrs bc I just really wanna be with you. So we both planned what we were going to do. We were so excited. But you forgot about it.. you forgot the day we were going to do it while I was counting down the days leading to it. It broke my heart more than you could possibly know. But I just tried to understand you and your reason knowing that maybe on my actual bday, you'll make up for it. But all I got was a 10-minute drive home a day before my bday that happened only by chance that if I left the office a minute later or should I have not replied to you that fast it would not have happened.

You have always let me down. Even on the day I should've been on a priority, I was not and that day only comes once a year. And how you I am not on the list of who you want to celebrate your special day with.

And maybe.. that moment.. I should have known..

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Darling, I hope letting me go will be your biggest regret

[alteregoofthatgirl]

About once a month, I am missing you so much that I can't sleep. Remembering all our happy moments together and what I would do to go through all those again with you.

About once a month, I am thinking about you all day that I can't focus. How I want your arms wrapped around me while I smell your scent and smiling the biggest smile I could possibly do because I am so lucky to be that close to you.

About once a month, I'm tempted to make up an excuse so I could talk to you. Pretending to send something by mistake or asking you about work hoping that it could start something again between us.

About once a month, I'm curious how you are doing, who you are with, if you're stress from work, if you are eating on time, if you had a bad day, if uou get home safely. And I'm curious if you wonder about me too.

About once a month, I feel like I still love you as much as I do before.

But..

About once a month, I am reminded how much you have hurt me and why we are not talking anymore.

About once a month, I am thinking how you could easily let me go and turn your back on me. That when I said I wanted some space, what I really wanted was for you to hold me close and dont't let me go. But you did, you watched me walk away from you and you went the other direction.

About once a month, I am once again feeling all the pain you have given me - how I feel like such a nuissance whenever I ask you to spend some time with me and how you always have an excuse why you can't. That I was never your priority.

About once a month, I am hating myself about how I endure all those and tried to understand you even though you hurt me so deeply. And that I always have to reasoned with myself to forgive all those things because i don't wanna lose you.

About once a month, I am quietly crying on my bed because I can't let you go.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Whenever you hold her hands, do you miss the tingling sensation you felt when you held mine?

Whenever your lips touches hers, do you wish it was my lips your tasting?

Whenever you hug her, are you longing for my scent?

Whenever you tell her a story, do you expect her to react the way that I do?

Whenever you made a joke, do you imagine it was me who's laughing infront of you?

Whenever you're with her, do you wish it was me?

Because I wish it was me. I hope soon it can still probably be me.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

I could spend hours reading our previous conversations.

It's sad knowing how it'll end even if I don't want to.

Even if there are things I wish I can tell you now.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

It's the first weekend I'm alone since we stopped talking and it's driving me insane how much I wish you were here now holding me. And I am so sad it aches that I couldn't do anything about it and if there is, I shouldn't. You are like a drug to me. I'm so addicted by you and your presence and I can't say for sure that I'm doing better and that I have moved on even just a little bit but one moment with you can swirl my world around again. So I know I shouldn't and every bit of my energy is channeled to resisting my self from reaching out to you and telling you that I miss you. Because more than anything - the pain, the anger, the doubt, missing you is what I feel the most.

I miss having a best friend in you. I miss how you cheer me up when stress gets the best of me. I miss telling you how my day went and how yours was.i miss how you make me laugh. I miss holding your hand when in your car. I miss how you understand me.

I miss you.

[alteregoofthatgirl]

I'm learning to accept that not all my question will have answers. Atleast not now. Because I don't know what I want to hear and I dont know if the answers will help me accept our reality.

But these questions are still bothering me

[alteregoofthatgirl]

Weekend na. Maiisip nanaman kita and mamimiss ulit kita. And all these posts showing couples cuddling are no help. I remember what its like to be in your arms, your scent everytime I hug you tight, how you caress my hair, and our asaran that annoys and makes me laugh at the same time.

Oh the things I wish I can tell you :(

[alteregoofthatgirl]

When will I stop missing you?

I don't want to crave for your presence anymore.

I want to stop thinking of your name whenever I have a story to tell.

I hope the pain whenever I think of our memories together to go away.

Are you feeling this too?

The sadness knowing we will never be the same way again.

The ache everytime you remember me.

The pain of thinking how you let me go.

Is it selfish for me to ask for your heart to break as mine is now?

If what we had was real, i hope you are missing me as much as I miss you.

If you sincerely felt that way about me, I hope there are moments you are regretting your decision.

I know this is selfish, but damn it, I wish you do. I really do.